I'm sure many of you know who you are voting for today. But for those of you who are still on the fence, consider a dark-horse (green-monster?) candidate: the Phanatic.
Many don't even know that the Phanatic is running. So, for all of you undecided voters, here is the Phanatic's platform. If you like it, vote for it!!
Welfare reform - Food stamps will be replaced with Hatfield Dollar Dogs.
Foreign Policy - Relocate the Cardinals to Iran. Apparently, Cardinal fans are incapable of negative behavior. So, if some of these radical terrorist groups would become Cardinal fans, maybe they'll become as docile as a pet poodle. And maybe Ahmandinejad will start building baseball stadiums instead of nuclear plants... The Phanatic will also relocate the Mets to Paris, France. They all deserve that.
Economy - The Phanatic wants to lower income tax, raise capital gains tax and implement a salary cap for Major League Baseball.
Energy - Until his ATV runs on solar power, the Phanatic is "drill baby drill."
Environment - He's a full supporter of "F#@& the Whales, Save the Homers." Enough said.
Secretary of State - Dave Hollins, so other countries will think twice about messing with us.
Secretary of Education - Darren Daulton, to teach those kids what's really going on!
Minister of Defense - Reggie White (Honorary appointment)
Secretary of the Treasury - Lenny Dykstra