Wednesday, May 02, 2012

F#@k The Whales, Save The Homers

I have the solution to the Phillies woeful offense, thanks to Tim McCarver.

McCarver, professor emeritus at East Anglia University, theorized this past week that the reason home runs are increased in baseball is due to “climactic changes over the last fifty years” causing the “air to be thinner.”

I’m buying what he’s selling. Why do you think Matt Kemp hits so many homers in the smog-land that is LA? Sure, I may have been skeptical of man-made ‘global warming’ before, but now that Professor McCarver put it into terms I can understand (man bad, make air thin, ball go far…) I’m all aboard this crazy train. Which brings me to my key point: if we want the Phillies to hit home runs, we have to do our part. Specifically, we need to totally f#@k up the air above The Cit. We need to make south Philly’s air so ungodly polluted, and therefore ‘thin’ according to McCarver, that the ball will fly out of the park like Adam Eaton is pitching. Sure, it will help both offenses, but since we have Roy, Cliff, Cole and Vanimal, the benefit to our offense should be higher.

I have already developed a plan to make the Broad and Pattison area a complete environmental disaster before the Phillies return for their next homestand. It’s called “F#@k the Whales, Save the Homers.” Here’s how you can help. Review the map below. Every place there is a star/number an “FtW,StH” activity will be taking place. Just pick the one you are most interested in and join. Descriptions of the activities are as follow:

1) Book burning – This activity is my favorite because it accomplishes multiple goals. Not only will we fill the sky with smoke (that’s a lot of carbon monoxide…) but we get to burn books! Please bring any book you can to burn, but anything educational or Mets related is preferred.

2) Coal mining – This is probably only for the real adventurous and the non-claustrophobic, because we are going underground. President Obama once said that he would bankrupt anybody that tried to open a coal mine (yeah business!) so coal must be very bad for the environment. So, let’s dig a coal mine under the Jetro lot (I'm sure there's coal there, why wouldn't there be?) and burn the stuff as soon as it hits the surface.

3) Car Exhaust-a-thon – This one is easy, just bring your car, park it in one of the lots north of Phillies Drive or in Lot ‘P’ and leave the thing running until it’s out of gas. Then set the car itself on fire. Sure, you’ll have to go buy a new car but you do want the Phils to hit homers, don’t you?

4) Tree Killing – By the looks of the map there are some trees just north of Packer Ave. They have to go. Also, FDR Park will have to be burned down. We can’t have those pesky trees converting any of our precious CO2 into oxygen.

5) Turf installation – Grass field? No freaking way. Plants are bad. And the new turf will be bright blue so there’s no confusion about our disdain for anything green.

These activities should significantly thin the air above the stadium. We might be talking Freddy Galvis for the triple crown...

27 comments:

C.M.R. said...

...and then the hippies will all gather around to try to get everyone to stop. their stench alone should thin up the air even more!

i see nothing wrong with this plan.

Corey said...

all the hippies that don't like the phillies, that is.

Sam said...

The hippies can do their part by smoking cloves in the parking lot

GM-Carson said...

WSBGMs did Campaign Cheer in 2008 to save the Phillies season and not F**k the Whales, Save the Homers.

Genius!

Anonymous said...

you guys got me all beat, got some of my own gas to make the air thin will bring it on.

Corey said...

great! methane is verrrrry harmful

GM-Carson said...

Thome to DL, Erik Kratz called up.

Interesting move that he was brought up instead of Fontenot. Maybe Kratz gets some big hits and bumps Schneider out of the equation, then when the Phils release him they call up Fontento (who is batting over .400 in Triple A).

Ben said...

The injury bug is reeling its ugly head again hmm? Eh, as long as it doesn't take out another ace or Papelbon, it won't make much difference at this point.

Corey said...

what did thome do to the DL for? old age? rapidly declining skills?

GM-Carson said...

Losing Herndon and Thome for a couple weeks might be a good thing.

Andrew said...

I went to UEA... but I never had a class with Prof McCarver

GM-Carson said...

Andrew- consider yourself lucky.

GM-Carson said...

Halladay is 107-0 in his career when given a four-run lead. Hopefully that is pushed to 108-0 after tonight.

Wow.

Ben said...

Um... yeah.

Andrew said...

well Doc won't get the loss. I think the W should go in Ruiz's stat line if they close this out

GM-Carson said...

What the hell just happened to Doc? His stuff doesn't seem as good this season. This was his first bad start, but something seems up with him.

GM-Carson said...

Jose Contreras isn't good.

Andrew said...

Schwimer isn't good either

Andrew said...

And why wasn't Papelbon called in for a 5 out save?

GM-Carson said...

Manuel is a f'n idiot. He is so set in his ways. He doesn't believe in a closer going more than 1 inning. Retard!!! The Phillies can't afford for him to keep screwing up like this.

Andrew said...

Bats are coming alive so now the glaring weakness showing through is our bullpenn. Aside from Papelbon, and Bastardo and Qualls to a lesser extent, we've got nothing but crap.

Andrew said...

from Zo: "It's Michael Schwimer replacing Contreras in the eighth. Qualls and Papelbon have both pitched three times in last four days."

And why can't Paps pitch? Is his professional athlete 7 year veteran arm going to fall off for throwing a few pitches in a super close game against your #1 division rival? Bullshit.

GM-Carson said...

Papelbon has gone on record that he likes to pitch a lot and likes the challenge of getting more than 3 outs. Too bad Manuel is too stuck in his "rules for a closer".

This bullpen is actually pretty shaky. Scary.

Andrew said...

He's also proven himself to be effective in jams (a stark contrast to the closers Manuel has been used to in Philly...)

Aaron said...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.....
WHERE THE FUCK DO I START....
FIRST OF ALL I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY SAYS HALLADAY IS FUCKING HURT. WHEN GUYS VELOCITY SUDDENLY DROPS OF THE CHARTS THEY ALWAYS END UP BEING HURT.
THIS GAME WAS LOST HOWEVER BY CHARLIE FUCKING MANUAL. ONE OF THE WORST MANAGED GAMES IVE EVER SEEN. EVER RELIEVER FOR BOTH TWO TEAMS WERE USED IN THIS GAME WITH THE EXCEPTION OF ........THAT'S RIGHT THE PHILLIES TWO BEST RELIEVERS, QUALLS AND PAPELBON!!!!!!!!!!!!ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME CHARLIE!!!!!! YOU FUCKING RETARD. BRING IN SCHWIMMER TO PUT OUT CONTRERAS MESS IN THE 8TH????????? SCHWIMMER???!!!!!!!!!! AND YES LETTING SANCHEZ BAT IN THE TOP OF THE 10TH SO THAT HE COULD STICK AROUND TO TRY TO GET UGLA AND CHIPPER OUT??????? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????
ON A SIDE NOTE THAT STRIKE CALL ON ROLLINS IN THE 9TH WAS PROBABLY THE WORST CALL EVER IN THE HISTORY OF BASEBALL.
IN SUMMARY......FUCK FUCKATY FUCK FUCK FUCK.

GM-Carson said...

Nope, not the worst call. Bill Welke called Hairston out at first in the Dodgers/Rockies game yesterday, when 1st baseman Helton was litterally 2-3 feet from having his foot on the bag.

Andrew said...

Paps was paid ~$78k to sit on the bench last night. Just saying...