I have the solution to the Phillies woeful offense, thanks to Tim McCarver.
McCarver, professor emeritus at East Anglia University, theorized this past week that the reason home runs are increased in baseball is due to “climactic changes over the last fifty years” causing the “air to be thinner.”
I’m buying what he’s selling. Why do you think Matt Kemp hits so many homers in the smog-land that is LA? Sure, I may have been skeptical of man-made ‘global warming’ before, but now that Professor McCarver put it into terms I can understand (man bad, make air thin, ball go far…) I’m all aboard this crazy train. Which brings me to my key point: if we want the Phillies to hit home runs, we have to do our part. Specifically, we need to totally f#@k up the air above The Cit. We need to make south Philly’s air so ungodly polluted, and therefore ‘thin’ according to McCarver, that the ball will fly out of the park like Adam Eaton is pitching. Sure, it will help both offenses, but since we have Roy, Cliff, Cole and Vanimal, the benefit to our offense should be higher.
I have already developed a plan to make the Broad and Pattison area a complete environmental disaster before the Phillies return for their next homestand. It’s called “F#@k the Whales, Save the Homers.” Here’s how you can help. Review the map below. Every place there is a star/number an “FtW,StH” activity will be taking place. Just pick the one you are most interested in and join. Descriptions of the activities are as follow:
2) Coal mining – This is probably only for the real adventurous and the non-claustrophobic, because we are going underground. President Obama once said that he would bankrupt anybody that tried to open a coal mine (yeah business!) so coal must be very bad for the environment. So, let’s dig a coal mine under the Jetro lot (I'm sure there's coal there, why wouldn't there be?) and burn the stuff as soon as it hits the surface.
3) Car Exhaust-a-thon – This one is easy, just bring your car, park it in one of the lots north of Phillies Drive or in Lot ‘P’ and leave the thing running until it’s out of gas. Then set the car itself on fire. Sure, you’ll have to go buy a new car but you do want the Phils to hit homers, don’t you?
4) Tree Killing – By the looks of the map there are some trees just north of Packer Ave. They have to go. Also, FDR Park will have to be burned down. We can’t have those pesky trees converting any of our precious CO2 into oxygen.
5) Turf installation – Grass field? No freaking way. Plants are bad. And the new turf will be bright blue so there’s no confusion about our disdain for anything green.
These activities should significantly thin the air above the stadium. We might be talking Freddy Galvis for the triple crown...