It's back, baby! When it's playoff time, you have to go with what works. For the Phils, it's pitching. For me, it's TotT. So, without further adieu...
St. Louis - Joe Buck
Philly - Bill Scott
Advantage - Philly. Joe Buck is a pompous, self-absorbed windbag who makes playoff baseball almost unwatchable. If Jack Buck was still with us, he would mute the game. The late Bill Scott was the voice of Bullwinkle J. Moose, who I believe graduated with a degree in communications from Wossamotta U., which makes him possibly more qualified than Buck to do baseball play-by-play.
St. Louis - None
Philly - The Sixers
Advantage - Push. The Hawks left St. Louis for Atlanta in 1968. The Sixers have built their team around Andre Iguodala. Both are equally painful for their respective fans.
St. Louis - The home of Anheiser-Busch, the producer of Bud Light.
Philly - Philadelphia brewing company doesn't make light beer. Neither does Yards or Dock Street. In the 'burbs, Victory and Sly Fox don't make light beer.
Advantage - Push. I like light beer so I would like somebody in Philly to start brewing one. Also, Philadelphians aren't historically a skinny group, so a light beer might be beneficial for the city. St. Louis would win this category, but Bud Light gives me a headache and makes me nauseous. Fail all the way around.
St. Louis - John Goodman played "Dan" on Rosanne
Philly - Billy Cosby played "Heathcliff" on The Cosby Show
Advantage - Philly. This one was closer than you might think. Rosanne was funny and Goodman was in some pretty awesome movies - Revenge of the Nerds, Arachnophobia, O Brother Where Art Thou, Raising Arizona, Big Lebowski and my favorite, King Ralph. Cosby takes this category for two main reasons - I loved Lisa Bonet and I really love Jell-o pudding pops.
St. Louis - The DUI homeboys, Tony LaRussa and Rafael Furcal [mugshots below]
Philly - Nobody on the team has had a DUI
Advantage - Philly. I forgot about Furcal and his drinky-drinky -drivey-drivey until I was researching this. You can read the whole thing HERE, but I'll give you the highlights. Dude had two DUIs, his second while he was still on probation from the first after getting pulled over going 90 with a .127 BAC. He told the cop, "I play for the Braves. Can you give me a chance? I play for the Braves, please. I've got one [DUI] already." The cop still arrested him but the judge must have been tomahawk chopping from the bench because Furcal got a deal that allowed him to delay his jail sentence until after the playoffs. Sweet, sweet justice.
St. Louis - This May, St. Louis native and former terrible draft pick Larry Hughes stood at a local gas station and pumped free gas into 150 cars.
Philly - Shane Victorino won the Phillies Community Service Award in 2010 for such events as the "Flyin' Hwaaiian All-Stars," "All-star Celebrity Fashion Show," "Celebrity Dinner and Gold Classic" and the "Shane Victorino Foundation."
Advantage: St. Louis. Victorino obviously does some great things for the community, but Larry Hughes bought people gasoline. That stuff is like $7 a gallon.
Ugliest SOB on the Team:
St. Louis - Tony Larussa
Philly - Tyrone Hill
Advantage - St. Louis. Yeah, so Tyrone Hill is not, and never was, a Phillie. But damn, remember how ugly he was? LaRussa and his face condition wins by forfeit. [Funny note - LaRussa had this to say about heckling fans in Milwaukee, "When they start cursing your family ... The funniest one was a guy said, 'I hope you get shingles again.' That's just stupid."]
Despite a furious comeback by St. Louis, Philadelphia is not Atlanta and was able to hold on to the victory, 3-2-2. The numbers never lie, which means the Phillies take this series.