Friday, September 30, 2011

Tale of the Tape - St. Louis [2011 NLDS Edition]

It's back, baby! When it's playoff time, you have to go with what works. For the Phils, it's pitching. For me, it's TotT. So, without further adieu...

Famous Voices:
St. Louis - Joe Buck
Philly - Bill Scott
Advantage - Philly. Joe Buck is a pompous, self-absorbed windbag who makes playoff baseball almost unwatchable. If Jack Buck was still with us, he would mute the game. The late Bill Scott was the voice of Bullwinkle J. Moose, who I believe graduated with a degree in communications from Wossamotta U., which makes him possibly more qualified than Buck to do baseball play-by-play.

Professional Basketball:
St. Louis - None
Philly - The Sixers
Advantage - Push. The Hawks left St. Louis for Atlanta in 1968. The Sixers have built their team around Andre Iguodala. Both are equally painful for their respective fans.

Light Beer:
St. Louis - The home of Anheiser-Busch, the producer of Bud Light.
Philly - Philadelphia brewing company doesn't make light beer. Neither does Yards or Dock Street. In the 'burbs, Victory and Sly Fox don't make light beer.
Advantage - Push. I like light beer so I would like somebody in Philly to start brewing one. Also, Philadelphians aren't historically a skinny group, so a light beer might be beneficial for the city. St. Louis would win this category, but Bud Light gives me a headache and makes me nauseous. Fail all the way around.

TV Dad:
St. Louis - John Goodman played "Dan" on Rosanne
Philly - Billy Cosby played "Heathcliff" on The Cosby Show
Advantage - Philly. This one was closer than you might think. Rosanne was funny and Goodman was in some pretty awesome movies - Revenge of the Nerds, Arachnophobia, O Brother Where Art Thou, Raising Arizona, Big Lebowski and my favorite, King Ralph. Cosby takes this category for two main reasons - I loved Lisa Bonet and I really love Jell-o pudding pops.

Team Drunk:
St. Louis - The DUI homeboys, Tony LaRussa and Rafael Furcal [mugshots below]
Philly - Nobody on the team has had a DUI
Advantage - Philly. I forgot about Furcal and his drinky-drinky -drivey-drivey until I was researching this. You can read the whole thing HERE, but I'll give you the highlights. Dude had two DUIs, his second while he was still on probation from the first after getting pulled over going 90 with a .127 BAC. He told the cop, "I play for the Braves. Can you give me a chance? I play for the Braves, please. I've got one [DUI] already." The cop still arrested him but the judge must have been tomahawk chopping from the bench because Furcal got a deal that allowed him to delay his jail sentence until after the playoffs. Sweet, sweet justice.


Charitable Pros:
St. Louis - This May, St. Louis native and former terrible draft pick Larry Hughes stood at a local gas station and pumped free gas into 150 cars.
Philly - Shane Victorino won the Phillies Community Service Award in 2010 for such events as the "Flyin' Hwaaiian All-Stars," "All-star Celebrity Fashion Show," "Celebrity Dinner and Gold Classic" and the "Shane Victorino Foundation."
Advantage: St. Louis. Victorino obviously does some great things for the community, but Larry Hughes bought people gasoline. That stuff is like $7 a gallon.

Ugliest SOB on the Team:
St. Louis - Tony Larussa
Philly - Tyrone Hill
Advantage - St. Louis. Yeah, so Tyrone Hill is not, and never was, a Phillie. But damn, remember how ugly he was? LaRussa and his face condition wins by forfeit.  [Funny note - LaRussa had this to say about heckling fans in Milwaukee, "When they start cursing your family ... The funniest one was a guy said, 'I hope you get shingles again.' That's just stupid."]


Despite a furious comeback by St. Louis, Philadelphia is not Atlanta and was able to hold on to the victory, 3-2-2. The numbers never lie, which means the Phillies take this series.

18 comments:

GM-Carson said...

This is going to be a tough series. Cards took 6 of 9 from the Phils in the regular season. Carpenter is pitching great, Garcias shuts down the Phils, and Lohse is on a roll and gives the Phils fits.

Phils need to excecute some small ball to win. IE- moving runners over, taking extra bases when able, knocking guys in from 3rd with less than 2 outs.

Sam said...

Fortunately, Garcia and Carpenter are pitching games 3 and 4 (thus only once a piece).

Thanks, TLR!

GM-Carson said...

Who is Game 2 starter, Westbrook?

Preserve Jon said...

Light beer? Really? Light beer?

I am disgusted.


And yes, that is was I took away from this week's TOTT.

Corey said...

yes, light beer. if you can't find use for light beer in your world, i feel sad for you. in fact, i just bought a 30 pack of keystone light to drink at tomorrow's temple-toledo then phillies-cardinals tailgate. granted, i'm starting with a four loko (old school with caffeine) so why should i waste calories on some other beer when i can get drunk and stay looking sexy.

Preserve Jon said...

No bitter beer face for you. What did that set you back about $16.99? Owing to the magic it requires to brew light beer, it will take you about half of that pisswater to get ripped. If you take that $16.99 and invest it in a sixer of Newcastle and a sixer of Yuengling (will make your bowels sing my grandfather once told me) - or any other decently priced 6pack - and you can drink some quality beer, get the same effect and still have some change in your pocket to by 3 soft pretzels from the homeless guy in the parking lot.

Rant over.

GM-Carson said...

I don't drink light beer that much either Preserve Jon. I prefer my brew with a lot of taste, and yes, that usually means a lot of calories. I'll go cheap and drink light beer or Miller High Life if the event calls for it, but normally I'd rather sit and drink 3 or 4 microbrews while watching game.

Just my taste. To each their own.

Corey said...

that's a nice theory. it's wrong, of course. the ABV of Keystone Light is 4.2% (100 cal/can), compared to 4.4% for the mighty Y, which adds 40 more calories per beer. newcastle is slightly stronger at 4.7 and 150 calories. so, i may have to drink one, maybe two more "pisswaters" to reach equivalent BAC, but with my thirty of stones and two cans of four loko, me and my homey can get ripped then take the money we theoretically saved by not buying 4 six packs of bitter, similarly mass produced shit, and use it to catch a view at cheerleaders after the game.

also, every beer mentioned so far is shit. keystone, Y, newcastle. all garbage. if i wanted to not drink shit, i would buy some troegs or bells or stones or even sierra nevada. but if i'm drinking shit, give me the cheaper, less offensive kind that i can easily drink for 12 hours straight.

granted, i will have to urinate more, but since i don't have to sit down to do it, it's not really that big of a deal.

GM-Carson said...

If the purpose is to get lit and do so without spending too much money then Keystone Light is the way to go. Yuengling Premium Light is very tasty too, and only about $12 for a 24 pack, but can only be found regionally.

GM-Carson said...

Oh, Yuengling Lager is pretty bad too. Love Yuengling because of the history, and I like their other brews, but the lager is bleh.

Randy said...

Lite beer. I suppose pretty soon we'll be seeing you in the kitchen whippin up a batch of no-fat seven layer dip you discovered on the Ellen Degeneres Show to bring to the tailgate. Just don't wear an apron, please.

ripjgarcia said...

Anybody else think the Rays may be the most dangerous team in baseball right now?

GM-Carson said...

Rays are good, but they're the worst of the 8 playoff teams in my opinion...even with that 8-0 shutout in Game 1 over the Rangers.

SirAlden said...

M&M drinks Keystone Light and Loko.

GM-Carson said...

Michael Martinez is a tool.

ripjgarcia said...

Rays actually have solid pitching. Took a while for them to get around to doing so.. but rolling in it's pretty good.


Yankees-Tigers rain delay.. media motivated.

SirAlden said...

In Eagles Twitter News...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=NOelz0rrX9Q

lol

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