The Phillies just announced a new giveaway for the first home series after the All Star break: the Michael Martinez Limited Function Utility Tool.
The MMLFUT is a Swiss Army Knife style tool, with a picture of the popular Phillies utility man on the casing. However, the device will contain no actual utility tools. The knife, scissors, screwdriver, bottle opener, etc. have been removed.
To obtain the tools, owners of the MMLFUT must send the Phillies $5 per week for the next year. After one year, the Phillies may send these owners some of the tools. But probably not.
Carson and I think this is a terrible promotion of a useless object and should be replaced by a better one. We sent an email to Phillies public relations director Scott Palmer specifically addressing this concern. Here was his response:
“Useless? Useless!?!?!? Then you, sir, know nothing about utility tools.
You know who does know a lot about utility tools? Charlie Manuel. He loves the Michael Martinez Limited Function Utility Tool. During Spring Training he put the LFUT in his left back pocket. It counterbalanced his wallet, allowed him to sit with his weight evenly distributed, and cured his sciatica. Would you rather have your team’s manager suffer from sciatica?
And even though the Michael Martinez LFUT has no appreciable tools, it does have value if you use it correctly. Just use your imagination. Let’s say you’re at a stone skipping contest and you forgot to bring stones. The surface of the LFUT is very smooth, practically frictionless. Combine that with a symmetrical, elliptic design and you have the fastest water-skipping object possible. Sure, you’ll be disqualified for not using a stone so there is no chance you’ll win. But damn that thing skips fast.
Let’s say you crash your car in some significant body of water and your doors and windows, for whatever reason, will not open. You can take the Michael Martinez LFUT and hit it against the window until it breaks. Crack-Boom! Life saved! And you know, a life saved is equal to a life created. Granted, any hard, otherwise useless object could have saved your life and the LFUT will never help you get laid, but it could save your life. You want to die? No, then you must like the Michael Martinez LFUT.
These are just two examples. I could think of more very easily. It would make a mediocre paper weight. You could use it as a bookmark in a phonebook. Everyone needs a phonebook bookmark, right? It would be an awesome space occupier in that drawer in your kitchen where you put random shit that you never use but you look in every time you need something useful.
You think the Delwyn Young Slightly More Useful Utility Tool would be better? Ridiculous. With the MMLFUT, the possibilities are limited! I mean, UNLIMITED!”