Friday 7:05 - Vance Worley v. Guillermo Moscoso
Saturday 7:05 - Cole Hamels v. Trevor Cahill
Sunday 1:35 - Roy Halladay v. Josh Outman
Balancing Elephants Batting:
Runs - 275 (26th)
BA - .237 (27th)
OBP - .306 (25th)
Slg - .343 (28th)
For a breakdown of their "offense," see the "Michael Martinez" section below.
Balancing Elephants Pitching:
ERA - 3.22 (3rd)
WHIP - 1.29 (9th)
BAA - .248 (8th)
Moscoso is a 27 year old righty who I know absolutely nothing about above and beyond his stats on baseball-reference.com. He's thrown 30 innings this year and has only 12 Ks so that looks promising for the Phils...
If only the Phils would have seen Trevor Cahill a few starts ago. The Oakland ace had a rough couple of weeks, giving up four or more runs in four straight starts at the beginning of this month. He rebounded in his last appearance against the Giants, going 8 innings and only giving up a single run.
Former Phillie farmhand Josh Outman goes in the third game. Outman and Adrian Cardenas* were traded to Oakland three years ago for Joe Blanton. Outman underwent Tommy John surgery in 2009 and didn't pitch at all last season. But here's all you need to know - the Phils will win the first two and then lay an egg against Outman in game three because they are allergic to sweeps.
[*Former shortstop Cardenas was moved to second base. Then he was moved to third base. Now he's a corner outfielder for AAA Sacramento. He's hitting for average (.321 this season, minor league career average of .302) but he's has only slightly above Michael Martniez power. He has eleven homer in the last two and a half seasons. His best bet now is to end up a Ross Gload type because nobody is playing a powerless corner infielder on a regular basis)
He's Their Michael Martinez:
The whole damn team. Seriously, Billy Beane, you really put together a real shitty team.
The Opening Day third baseman (Kevin Kouzmanoff) hit .221 and is now in AAA. The Opening Day first baseman (Daric Barton) is hitting .212 with zero homers and a .267 slugging percentage and might be in AAA soon. [Note: Could you imagine the epic rants on this website if our starting first baseman had a .268 slugging percentage?] The Opening Day second baseman (Mark Ellis) is on the DL but was hitting only .211 before getting injured.
Those guys are really struggling but if you look at the rest of the lineup, it doesn't get much better. Josh Willingham leads the team with 10 homers, but is hitting only .231. Hideki Matsui is at .221. David DeJesus is at .230. Coco Crisp and Cliff Pennington are hitting in the .250's and look like All-Stars compared to the rest of these clowns.
The team has Scott Sizemore and Jemile Weeks starting now and in their brief time, they've hit the ball fairly well. Still, this team shouldn't score more than 5 runs this series.
What We Are Drinking This Series:
Corey - Corralejo Reposado tequila - When it's "hitting season" (you know, warm outside) for the Phillies, it's "tequila season" for me. Corralejo Reposado is a very smooth, medium bodied tequila that is so tasty all it needs is an ice cube or two. If you're a traditionalist and prefer it neat, it goes down nice and easy. Just don't use it to make a margarita. Don't mask that delicious tequila flavor with a sugary, sour mix! However, if you add just a splash of triple sec and lime juice and top with club soda you've got a great, low calorie, tequila prominent margarita-like beverage.
Carson - Dogfish Head's Bitches Brew. I've been holding onto this rare release for a few months now, but I can't wait any longer. This beer was brewed in honor of the 40th anniversary of Miles Davis' album titled Bitches Brew. At 9% this stout should please the palate and senses.
Tale of the Tape:
During our “Tale of the Tape” series of 2010 I never got to do Oakland. So, here's an abbreviated version.
Who Plays Your GM?
Oakland – Brad Pitt plays GM Billy Beane in the upcoming flop movie “Moneyball.”
Philly – If they made a movie about the Phillies front office, I would give the role to great thespian Lou Diamond Phillips.
Advantage – Push. The greatness of “LaBamba” earns LDP a draw.
Oakland – Shawn Batie. Shawn was arrested in northern California under the influence of methamphetamine while wearing an Oakland Raiders jacket, a G-string and a hair scrunchie around his genitals. How embarrassing, a Raiders jacket!?!?
Philly – Matthew Clemens. He’s that puking guy.
Advantage – Oakland. There’s no excuse for vomiting on a child. But a hair scrunchie wrapped around your junk? Bravo!
Where Our Ladies Like To Brawl
Oakland – Outside of a Burger King.
Philly – Inside an H&M.
Advantage – Philly. Our fashionable combatants fight with with pieces of mannequins inside a Swedish clothier. I can see that happening. But that Oakland debacle is straight trash. Pregnant brawlers, octogenarian attackers, toking and coughing bystanders, a man on woman beat down, a flying high-chair. Stay classy, Oakland.