Typically, one player on a struggling team needs to go out and “jump on a grenade.” Literally. Find a babe that goes deuce, deuce and a half and jump on it. We always thought Pat Burrell would take one for the team but since Pat is gone (obviously because San Fran needed somebody to take a slumpbuster and Kung Fu Panda couldn’t find his junk…) we need to look in different direction.
What direction? Scientology.
Nick Swisher (at time of composition) is hitting .301-11-42 including a dinger off of Roy Halladay. Dude’s only hit above .260 ONCE in his career. So what’s happening? He’s hitting .301 because he’s hitting an L. Ron Hubbard disciple. Swisher’s fiancé is actress Joanna Garcia who follows that freaky-deaky science fiction religion. Nothing else has changed for Swisher so this connection to Scientology has to be the cause of his success.
So the Phils have basically two options: Jenna Elfman or Tom Cruise. These seem to be the Scientologists most likely to sleep with a baseball player.
Massive Roster Casualties
Amaro could look at the roster, find the players that are under-performing that they could afford to release, and cut or demote them. Or at least sit them on the bench. Dobbs? See ya. Gload? Take a hike. Baez? Adios. Kendrick? Here's your ticket to Lehigh Valley. Blanton? Take a seat in the bullpen for awhile. Ibanez and Werth? Meet Domonic Brown, he's going to get some of your at-bats.
It's time to give Scott Mathieson a shot in the bullpen. It's time to see if anybody in the entire system can pinch-hit at a better clip than .180. It's time to shake things up a bit.
Sometimes rhetoric is better than action, at least according to our fearless leader. As oil spills and spills and spills and the US can’t do anything but refuse help from other countries, the President gives a useless prime time speech. Well, maybe he should give one about the Phillies to turn things around. I think it would go something like this:
Let me be clear, the Phillies are playing less than optimal baseball. This may be the largest hitting slump since the Great Depression. There are those who say this is the fault of the Phillies. However, they are merely battling the legacy of the previous administration, err, umm, team that played here before them. Make no mistake, as I’ve said time and time again, they will come back from the brink. The “Phillies Stimulus Act of 2010,” a plan created by this administration to radically reform ticket sales at Citizens Bank, will help this recovery. All fans get free tickets, except those who can afford tickets, in which case your ticket price will go up. Opponents say you will lose your old tickets. That’s simply not true. You can keep your old tickets. This is an unprecedented move, one that will prevent this crisis from escalating. Again, let me be clear, the responsible parties, like Wilson Valdez, will be held accountable. Through courage, hope, faith, and other intangibles, the Phillies will restore the place as a leader among baseball. On the bright side, 10 pitching coach jobs have been saved or created since this slump began.Stadium Motivation
Sometimes the players need something in the stadium to lead them to victory.Anaheim had the Rally Monkey. Pittsburgh has the Terrible Towel. Mexicans do the wave. What can Phillies fans do?
1) White towels at every game. The organization should drop a few million dollars in the small, white, logo towel industry (I just bought stock!) and have rally towels available at every game, not just the playoffs. Every game matters, right? Even though it's a marathon and not a sprint, they still want to win the race, right? So buy some stinking towels.
2) Vuvuzelas. Philadelphia could be the American, baseball version of the South African football fans. Sounding like a giant, angry swarm of bees, Fightins phans could rain down that droning, annoying, cacophony in B-flat in an attempt to distract opposing pitchers. I bet Valdez hits into at least one less double-play per game if the pitchers had to listen to the vuvuzela. And look at how happy Ryan Howard was when Snoop played that vuvuzela, obviously mistaking it for a bong.