Venue: That Place with a Green Monster
Bad Guys: Boston Red Sox
Good Guys: Philadelphia Phillies
Game 1: John Lackey vs. Jamie Moyer
(6-3, 4.72/1.64) (6-5, 3.98/1.08)
Reason the BoSox Win: Grand Pappy has a 6-12 record in 24 games against the Red Sox over his career with a 6.57 ERA, which is his worst against any team. Of course some of those games were pitched back when Wade Boggs, Jim Rice, and Dwight Evans were were rocking red booties.
Reason the Phils Win: Lackey has a 3rd nipple that causes erratic behavior during June nights due to the moon's gravitation pull on the piercing (a bull's ring) he has in it. Don't believe me, ask Jeeves.
Game 2: Daisuke Matsuzaka vs. Joe Blanton
(5-2, 4.59/1.31) (1-4, 6.07/1.42)
Reason the BoSox Win: ***Japanese starters are 18-18 against the Phils lifetime, so really it's a toss-up. ***= Hideki Irabu, Kazuhisa Ishii, Hiroki Kuroda, Dice-K, Hideo Nomo, Tomo Ohka, and Masato Yoshii.
Reason the Phils Win: Blanton loves baked beans, and he's visiting a city renowned for them, so he'll scarf down a few bowls and that will add extra gas to his fastball, leading to a complete game shutout with 20 k's.
Game 3: Tim Wakefield vs. Cole Hamels
(2-4, 5.48/1.31) (5-5, 3.98/1.37)
Reason the BoSox Win: Squaring up a knuckleball is as difficult for Phillies bats as it is difficult for Golden Girls to stay alive...hold on Betty White! That and Hamels is an unlucky labia.
Reason the Phils Win: Cole Hamels suffers through a similar story to Brett Myers and his wife's time in Beantown some seasons ago. However, this time the tables are turned and Heidi knocks Cole out for a few days forcing Manuel to spot start David Herndon who in turn picks up the W.
*I actually like Hamels, but I've started this f'd up mocking of his manhood, so I might as well continue...