Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Tale Of The Tape - Colorado - Playoff Edition

The "Tale of the Tape" series started last playoff season and culminated in a WFC. I've done every Phillies opponent this year but I couldn't let the opportunity pass to create a little positive mojo. So, it's time for TotT - Playoff Edition. C'mon, Colorado, come get your whoopin. Again.

Not Really Water
Colorado – Coors Light. It’s been proven, there actually is alcohol in Coors Light. It’s not much but it’s enough to classify Coors Lights as “Not Water.” Why is this drink not legal for minors?
Pennsylvania– Rita’s Water Ice. No one would confuse “wooder ice” with frozen H2O, but I think people in the Northeast consume this product more than actual water in the summer months.
Advantage – CO. It’s still beer and beer is better than water ice.

That’s A Capital?
Colorado – Rocky Ford, Colorado is the “Melon Capital of the World.” Is the grand marshal for the annual parade Pam Anderson? Dolly Parton?
Pennsylvania – Kennet Square, PA is the “Mushroom Capital of the World.” Apparently, this does NOT include psychedelic mushrooms, though.
Advantage – PA. It turns out these melons are the cantaloupe and honeydew varieties and not the motorboat and tubetop kind. Bummer.

Colorado – Tommyknocker, New Belgium, Fort Collins, Avery, Oskar Blues, etc.…
Pennsylvania – Yeungling, Straub’s, Stoudt’s, ABC, LBC, Weyerbacher, Dock St., Penn, Lion, Erie, etc.
Advantage – Push. Colorado has more microbreweries per capita than any other state. Pennsylvania has America’s oldest brewery. Quantity versus tradition…I’m calling a push.

Translated Name
Colorado – “Colored Red”
Pennsylvania – “Penn’s Woods”
Advantage – PA. Red, eh. Is that why your baseball team is purple, your football team is orange and your basketball team is blue? The hockey team has some maroon but that’s a little too little. Now, if the name would translate to “Painted Black,” I would have had to think twice. “Penn’s Woods” wins this battle of attrition.

Ridiculously Stupid
Colorado – “Mike The Headless Chicken Day” [please follow the link, it’s good reading…] occurs annually in Fruita, Co. It celebrates the life of the chicken that got partially decapitated and then lived for another two years.
Philadelphia – Groundhog Day celebration. Have you ever driven to Punxsutawney? If you have, I bet you never drove back. Its moronic to think a groundhog can predict the weather, it’s pitiful that people would want to watch the forecast live, but it’s insane to drive to Punxsutawney to participate in the whole cluster-fraggle.
Advantage – CO. I can’t believe I’ve never heard of this chicken until recently. He’s my new hero. Sorry “Guy Who Filmed Erin Andrews Through The Peephole” but you’ve been replaced.

War, What Is It Good For?
Colorado – The United States Air Force Academy is in Colorado Springs, CO.
Pennsylvania – The United States Army War College is in Carlisle, PA.
Advantage – PA. The AFA will teach you how to fly a plane and drop bombs on our enemies. The War College will teach you how to dominate our enemies via multiple strategies involving air, ground and sea. And War College is a freaking awesome name for a place.

There you have it. The numbers never lie and these numbers (3-2-1) say the Phils will advance to the NLCS.



GM-Carson said...

I like the optimism heading into this series from around the blogsphere in the Phillies favor. I unfortunately see a banged up, poorly playing Phils team versus a hot Rockies team and a Phils lose.

Corey said...

Colorado is 6-5 in their last 11.
Phillies are 5-7 in their last 12.

Are the Rockies that "hot?"

Andrew said...

Phils in 4 with the loss being Sat night.

GM-Carson said...

Damn, shoulda checked my info. Guess my perspective is a bit off, because of the hype on Baseball Tonight surrounding the Rox and watching the poor play of the Phils (albeit in games that really didn't matter over the past 4).

GM-Carson said...

I just clicked on the link for the nearly headless chicken and read the story. I got a little choked up. That chicken kicked ass!

Preserve Jon said...

Anyone check out the forecast for Saturday night in Denver. This ought to make you laugh (or shiver)

GM-Carson said...

If you're stuck at work this afternoon...
A) how much work will you actually perform until the workday is through?
B) how will you be following the game?

Aaron said...

GO GET IT PHILLIES GO F'ING GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reverend Paul Revere said...

I think I'd flip the first two categories personally. I'd rather have me some water ice any day of the week over Coors Light. That shit is piss water at its worst. I'll just drop some vodka in my water ice, thank you very much.

And mushrooms are fungus that have no taste, unless bland is a taste. Melons are delicious in all forms.

GM-Carson said...

Don't undersell the tasteyness of mushrooms. They're one of my favorite pizza topping. Great of steak too.

Reverend Paul Revere said...

The Rev only eats mushrooms that make him see a trail of Vince Youngs scoring TDs against USC, which seemed to happen in slow motion (this may or may not have actually happened).

Bob D said...

The movie Groundhog Day is a classic and filmed in that little groundhog town.

And Philly scene of the ArmyNavy game

Corey said...

i hate melons, unless you wrap some prosciutto around it. shrooms, on the other hand, mmmmmmmm.

regretfully, i've never put vodka in water ice.

Reverend Paul Revere said...

I love melons. The fruit and the boobs.

GM-Carson said...

I love the sweater puppies version of melons, but the fruit kind sucks.

GM-Carson said...

Cole Hamels just got more respect points- "Being the defending world champs, I think it's kind of a little weird that we kind of get both games at 2 o' clock," Hamels said this morning at Citizens Bank Park. "I don't think it's fair. I definitely don't think it's fair for the fans because this is all about the home-field advantage or just baseball in general."

Dr. Steve said...

I think I am allergic to cantaloupe. Mushrooms kick so much ass and can go on and in everything, and water ice is better than shitty beer. In fact, I am pretty sure Colorado's microbrews can't match the ones we have around here.

I have no idea how the series will play out, but we fucking own Colorado as a state (or region) vs. state.

GM-Carson said...

I love me some Troegs (as evident by my blogger image), but I'm drinking the Mother Lode sampler of Tommy Knocker (from Idaho Springs, Colorado) and they've got some quality stuff.

GM-Carson said...

Cliff Lee is awesome! 6 shutout innings, a base hit, and a stolen base so far.

Go Phillies, go!

Anonymous said...

That ball hit by werth might have been the hardest hit non home run ball since pat the bat's in game 5.5. That ball was absolutely crushed

Jeremy said...

Dude you left out Rolling Rock, not cool.

GM-Carson said...

Isn't Rolling Rock brewed in New Jersey now?