The "Tale of the Tape" series started last playoff season and culminated in a WFC. I've done every Phillies opponent this year but I couldn't let the opportunity pass to create a little positive mojo. So, it's time for TotT - Playoff Edition. C'mon, Colorado, come get your whoopin. Again.
Not Really Water
Colorado – Coors Light. It’s been proven, there actually is alcohol in Coors Light. It’s not much but it’s enough to classify Coors Lights as “Not Water.” Why is this drink not legal for minors?
Pennsylvania– Rita’s Water Ice. No one would confuse “wooder ice” with frozen H2O, but I think people in the Northeast consume this product more than actual water in the summer months.
Advantage – CO. It’s still beer and beer is better than water ice.
That’s A Capital?
Colorado – Rocky Ford, Colorado is the “Melon Capital of the World.” Is the grand marshal for the annual parade Pam Anderson? Dolly Parton?
Pennsylvania – Kennet Square, PA is the “Mushroom Capital of the World.” Apparently, this does NOT include psychedelic mushrooms, though.
Advantage – PA. It turns out these melons are the cantaloupe and honeydew varieties and not the motorboat and tubetop kind. Bummer.
Colorado – Tommyknocker, New Belgium, Fort Collins, Avery, Oskar Blues, etc.…
Pennsylvania – Yeungling, Straub’s, Stoudt’s, ABC, LBC, Weyerbacher, Dock St., Penn, Lion, Erie, etc.
Advantage – Push. Colorado has more microbreweries per capita than any other state. Pennsylvania has America’s oldest brewery. Quantity versus tradition…I’m calling a push.
Colorado – “Colored Red”
Pennsylvania – “Penn’s Woods”
Advantage – PA. Red, eh. Is that why your baseball team is purple, your football team is orange and your basketball team is blue? The hockey team has some maroon but that’s a little too little. Now, if the name would translate to “Painted Black,” I would have had to think twice. “Penn’s Woods” wins this battle of attrition.
Colorado – “Mike The Headless Chicken Day” [please follow the link, it’s good reading…] occurs annually in Fruita, Co. It celebrates the life of the chicken that got partially decapitated and then lived for another two years.
Philadelphia – Groundhog Day celebration. Have you ever driven to Punxsutawney? If you have, I bet you never drove back. Its moronic to think a groundhog can predict the weather, it’s pitiful that people would want to watch the forecast live, but it’s insane to drive to Punxsutawney to participate in the whole cluster-fraggle.
Advantage – CO. I can’t believe I’ve never heard of this chicken until recently. He’s my new hero. Sorry “Guy Who Filmed Erin Andrews Through The Peephole” but you’ve been replaced.
War, What Is It Good For?
Colorado – The United States Air Force Academy is in Colorado Springs, CO.
Pennsylvania – The United States Army War College is in Carlisle, PA.
Advantage – PA. The AFA will teach you how to fly a plane and drop bombs on our enemies. The War College will teach you how to dominate our enemies via multiple strategies involving air, ground and sea. And War College is a freaking awesome name for a place.
There you have it. The numbers never lie and these numbers (3-2-1) say the Phils will advance to the NLCS.