Friday, July 10, 2009

Tale of the Tape - Pittsburgh

Pop Singers
Pitt - Christina Aguilera. She packs a lot into a 5'1" frame. She hit the scene asking everyone to "rub me the right way" and got only more whorish from there, with tattoos, piercings and trashier videos. Very nice.
Philly - Pink. She sings songs and used to be married to some X-Games motorcycle guy. And Tim Armstrong from Rancid co-wrote songs for one of her albums. After that, I would have to go to Wikipedia...
Advantage - Philly. Yeah, Aguilera is waaaaaaay hotter, but Pink has two things she doesn't 1)songs written by Tim Armstrong and 2)the ability to kick the ass of most people she meets. Seriously, look at her. She has at least one testicle somewhere.

Condiments
Pitt - H. J. Heinz Company is the nation's largest distributor of ketchup.
Philly - Benjamin Jackson produced the country's first mustard in 1768 and sold it to fellow Philadelphians in glass bottles.
Advantage - Philly. Ketchup is versatile, but I'm a mustard guy. And just look at all the wonderful varieties of mustard: yellow mustard, brown mustard, dijon mustard, jalapeno mustard, horseradish mustard, honey mustard...

First to Make the...
Pitt - Big Mac. A Pittsburgh area Mickey D's was the first to make the "two all beef patties..."
Philly - Butterscotch Krimpet.
Advantage - Push. Both products are great, but they lose points because they aren't the most desirable things on their respective menus. McDonald's sells double cheeseburgers for $1, which means you can go their after the bar and get completely stuffed and get change for a five spot. As for Tastykake, the "Kandy Kake" is where the money is. Chocolate, peanut butter and cake? Yes please.

Important Piece of Paper
Pitt - Mr. Yuk sticker was created in Pittsburgh in 1971.
Philly - The United States Constitution.
Advantage - Push. Obama says the Constitution represents the "fundamental flaw of this country that continues today." What an ass. I bet he wouldn't say that shit to Mr. Yuk, though. Mr. Yuk wouldn't just sit back and take it, he would kick Barack's ass. Yuk's toughness earns him a "push", although maybe he should take the category if the constitution is that flawed...

First One In America
Pitt - Baseball Stadium. Forbes Field, built in 1909, was the first one.
Philly - The Philadelphia Zoo was the first one in the states.
Advantage - Push. This category really should be a no-brainer. The stadiums are one of my favorite parts about the history of baseball in America. I've read books on stadiums, watched documentaries and scoured the internet for pictures, facts and storeis. However, zoo's are pretty cool too. In fact, just a few weeks ago I saw two giraffes knocking hooves at the San Diego Zoo. Also, a good friend of mine told me once when we were in college, "I love getting high and looking at the monkeys." So for those two exhibitionist giraffes and my friend, this category is a "push."

Awkward Guy on TV
Pitt - Mr. Rogers. If the "Land of Make Believe" and a mailman named "Mr. McFeely" weren't awkward enough, Fred Rogers himself was simply disturbing. He was a Presbyterian minister and vegetarian who did not drink alcohol or smoke, who sat around a little house changing his sweater, singing about neighbors, and playing with trains. Think he ever tried to hit on Lady Aberlin? I doubt it. He was too busy playing with Handy Man Negri's toolbox. Even as a little kid I remember thinking, "What is wrong with this guy?"
Philly - Chris Wheeler. Nothing used to scream awkwardness like a few innings of Wheeler and Harry. Now, with both Whitey and Harry calling games in Heaven, Wheels is left alone to spew cliche after cliche while T-Mac and Sarge chuckle like idiots, spurring Wheels on to new heights of broadcast idiocy one reached only by Tim McCarver and Joe Morgan. Personally, I don't know much about Wheels. He lives and Blue Ball and has a dog. It's unknown if he would ever hit on Lady Aberlin.
Advantage - Pittsburgh. It all comes down to the Hall of Fame. Fred Rogers is in the Television Hall of Fame and the Association of Educational Publishers Hall of Fame. Wheels, despite promotion via blog, has not cracked the MLB HoF.

There you have it. The numbers never lie. The Phils should take another series.

Corey

26 comments:

Jack said...

After Harry's death, I am pretty sure the Phils have one of the worse TV broadcast crews in all of baseball. Never thought I would miss Scott Graham (who actually has a decent gig on XM’s MLB channel).

Since I live in NY, I have recently resorted to listening to the Mets TV broadcast, while watching the Phils on mlb.com with Wheels, Sarge and the insufferable T-Mac on mute. Gary Cohen (play-by-play guy for the Mets) kicks T-Mac’s ass, and the well-tanned Ron Darling is a serviceable color guy (no pun intended). Mercifully the third wheel Keith Hernandez is usually on vacation, or maybe just long smoke breaks. In light of the Mets recent suckiness, this strategy provides additional Schadenfreude benefits.

The Mets radio broadcast is pretty good too, especially since WFAN off-loaded T-Mac back to Philly.

Dr. Steve said...

Scott Graham is great.

Phillies broadcast is not as bad as you make it sound. Though the better talent IS on the radio, and much more entertaining listening.

Jack said...

The Phils radio team is solid.

As for the TV crew, they may not be the worst - there are certainly other bad broadcast teams out there - the Yankees and D'back TV crews come immediately to mind (Mark Grace is God-awful).

Wheels and Sarge stink, but at least they are not there for the entire game. T-Mac really has no redeeming qualities as a broadcaster - he does not have a distinctive voice, he is dull and programmed, he offers no good anecdotes (I am not saying he needs to be Vin Scully, but still...) and he has no sense of when less words are more (unlike, say, Harry Kalas). His biggest flaw, however, is that he is not a baseball guy - he just doesn't know the game very well.

GM-Carson said...

Thoughts:
1. T-Mac never shuts up, and he's constantly making retarded segways. Sarge is beginning to get Joe Morgan syndrome, whereas he never did anything wrong in his playing days. Wheels is Wheels, which isn't a good thing.

2. Pedro Martinez hasn't been good for years, so why the hell would he be magically good now?

3. I'm a McChicken fan. Love the Dollar Menu!

4. I love me some honey mustard for french fry dipping.

5. Mr. Yuk is the coolest sticker of all-time.

6. Jamie Moyer was horrible last night, but still ended up with the win...sometimes it just ain't fair.

GM-Carson said...

From Yahoo- RHP Chan Ho Park has found a niche in the Phillies' bullpen. Park tossed three hitless innings Thursday night against the Reds and has a 3.16 ERA and 29 strikeouts in 25 1/3 innings over 18 relief appearances. Park opened the season in the Phillies' rotation but struggled with a 7.29 ERA in seven starts before being moved to the bullpen in mid-May.

GM-Carson said...

I declared it a "new season" before last Friday's game against the Mets, because the Phils were in a tie for 1st with the Marlins and the Mets and Braves were within 2 games. Since then, they've gone 6-1 and built themselves a little breathing room. 2 games up on Florida, 5 on Atlanta, and 5.5 on the Mets.

Preserve Jon said...

That Mr. Rogers rant is absolutely classic. It shattered my childhood perspective, but it's still classic. Nice work.

Reverend Paul Revere said...

I'm sorry, but there is just absolutely no logical justification for picking Pink over Christina Aguilera. None.

Andrew said...

I disagree. I like TMac. Obviously no one, ever, anywhere, could replace Kalas and Ashburn. But TMac actually shows a lot of emotion when big plays happen. Something you don't realize until its gone. Wheels sucks and has no emotion. In DC, Bob Carpenter talks about 100x more often than TMac about things 100x less interesting. In Baltimore, Jim Palmer has good stories, but sounds like he could care less about telling them.

Give TMac a chance, he's not that bad. He just has HUGE shoes to fill.

Andrew said...

And I think the Pedro signing is going to be worthless for the money he's asking. His numbers at CBP are terrible. His numbers in general over the last 2 years are terrible. Why doesn't he just retire and start the HOF process?

Reverend Paul Revere said...

P.S. Tom McCarthy blows.

GM-Carson said...

It's time that Andrew discloses that he works for the Phillies PR department.

My dad and his friend taught be to call Mr. Rogers a not so nice term for gay man when I was a kid. Damn dad got me in trouble in kindergarten.

GM-Carson said...

I usually don't get all hot and bothered by trade rumors, but I'm poppin' wood at the thought of Halladay in red pinstripes.

GM-Carson said...

Jayson Werth was named as Beltran's injury replacement. Now all 3 of the Phils outfielders are All-Star bound. The Phils have the best outfield in the majors, and that's fact not opinion.

GM-Carson said...

Chris Coste is a Phillie no more. He was just designated for assignment by the Phils and was snatched up instantly by the Astros.

Wow, this shocked me. I know Bako was getting the starts at backup, but I still didn't see this coming.

Andrew said...

yeah, Phillies PR pays well...


Wow, both the Coste news and the Werth news surprise me greatly. I thought Coste would be part of a trade deal at some point, not simply DFA. And Werth deserves the all-star nod (he may never get one again) but to beat out the others on the final ballot shocks me! I love it though!

Jay Ballz said...

I would absolutely take Aquilera over Pink...but I'd go Krimpet over a Big Mac any day!

I miss Coste already.

GM-Carson said...

The writing was on the wall with Coste who barely played since Bako was called up. I don't think Charlie trusts him behind the plate defensively or calling a game anymore. I wish him well. Great guy.

Corey said...

mets trade church to braves for francoeur...and francoeur just swung at the first pitch he saw in a mets uniform.

Dr. Steve said...

Might I suggest I am still in total SHOCK that Adam Dunn has not hit more Howards.

Aaron said...

The Coste move is surprising. Why not just send him to the minors?
The more i think about Halladay the more I really want it to happen.
I think Brown, Carrasco, Donald and a lower level prospect could get it done. I would make that deal.
Our entire outfield is in the all-star game....we can do without Brown. Donald is blocked in the infield by rollins/utely and at least for 1 more year Feliz. And I don't believe in Carrasco, he hasn't shown me anything yet. I think he is the Latin Gavin Floyd.
Can you imagine Hamels and Halladay pitcing twice each in a 5 game playoff series.

I DO NOT WANT PEDRO! I don't like his attitude, I don't like that he's old and i don't like that he hasn't been a good pitcher for 3 years.

And my final thought this evening, Ed Wade will not be satisfied until he signs the entire minor league system he had while he was in Philly, Costanzo, bourne and now Coste.

GM-Carson said...

So the Braves now have a completely new outfield from last season, with Garret Anderson in LF, McLouth in CF, and Church in RF.

Bob D said...

I believe the Jays are also asking for Happ in the trade of Halliday thus a possible Pedro signing.

Good luck Coste you did well here in Philly, I hope you get more playing time in Houston.

Big Mac over krimpets....sorry.

I don't like the Phils to trade prospects, but for Halliday I like the idea. I do not like any other pitcher that is out there and available. The Phils minor leagues is just packed full of legitimate prospects to the point that the Phils could trade away 3-4 to get Halliday without too much damage. I do not like the team to trade prospects for a 2nd rate pitcher (like the Blanton trade last year). Go for the top of the line pitcher.

And get rid of Bruntlett

Aaron said...

Brad Lidge still sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Steve said...

What about the Phillies taking contracts from Toronto? I mean, remove a prospect or two from the list, and add heavy contracts.

Aaron said...

God speed Coste. Philadelphia will always love you.