Monday, May 04, 2009

Tale of the Tape - St. Louis

People You Want To Smack
St. Louis - Nelly. It is hot in here. Not "herre," you ignorant jackass.
Philly - Employees at the Philadelphia airport. I don't like those people.
Advantage - St. Louis. I want to make him need that bandage on his face.

Leap of Faith
St. Louis - The first successful parachute jump to be made from a moving airplane was made by Captain Berry at St. Louis, in 1912.
Philly - Many Phillies fans believed that Charlie Manuel was capable of managing the team to a World Series title.
Advantage - Philly. Lots of idiots jump out of planes. Only one idiot led the losingest sports franchise in history to the promise land.

State Animal
St. Louis - The Mule.
Philly - White-tailed Deer.
Advantage - Philly. Mules suck. And "Beat him like a rented white-tailed dear" just doesn't make as much sense.

Stupid College Nickname
St. Louis - Billikens (St. Louis Univ.)
Philly - Griffins (Chestnut Hill College)
Advantage - Philly. If St. Louis University changes their name to the Quagmires, I'll change my vote.

Fans
St. Louis - Routinely exalted as the best fans in the country. They are so supportive, they would never boo their players. They would never throw batteries at JD Drew. They would not understand the sarcasm and cynicism that permeated "Campaign Cheer." It's all about "positivity."
Philly - They threw snowballs at Santa Claus. Santa!!!
Advantage - Philly. Thank God I'm not a Cardinals fan.

Giant Useless Thing
St. Louis - The Arch.
Philly - The Clothespin.
Advantage - St. Louis. You can ride in a little cart thing in the Arch. You get arrested trying to climb the Clothespin.

Site of the First...
St. Louis - Summer Olympics in the United States.
Philly - Continental Congress
Advantage - Philly. I hate the Olympics. Every four years people get excite about the 200M hurdles or the 100M freestyle or some other stupid sporting event? Why? Do people really revel in national pride because we win more medals than Croatia? I wish the Olympics would just go away.


The numbers never lie and this one is a blowout, 6-1. Phils sweep the two game series.

Corey

13 comments:

Dr. Steve said...

*looks around* Has the Howard chart been monitored carefully lately? Uggla is still the most recent person...

I'm just sayin...

Corey said...

the "Howard" chart has not been monitored carefully. GM-Carson is in a computer crisis (none at home and networked blocked at job) and i'm not the type to scour boxscores every day. so, all help is appreciated until carson gets back online in a week or so.

furiousBall said...

hey fucker! my aunt works at the philly airport.

Andrew said...

they're alphabetical, it appears, not in order of occurrence. I pointed out Aaron Hill two days ago and its up there

Corey said...

then smack her for me.

Dr. Steve said...

Hey Corey, can we get a date when GM Carson went MIA so we know where to begin the official Howard Stat Tracking?

I wish his computers well. Come back soon!

Zac said...

That was no catch... give Pedro his trip! Now Rowand's facebuster on the otherhand...

Chas said...

Hanley Ramirez with the Howard tonight. Will Ryan ever get on the board??

Aaron said...

Chan Blow vs. Johan........Really that's the pitching matchup.........Fuck.

Aaron said...

FREE JC!!!!!!

LynnieMac said...

Hm, 6-1. Just like the score of the game. You're right - the numbers never do lie.

Dr. Steve said...

There's a back catalog of Howards! Aaah!

Andy said...

Am I missing something? Because it seems like you counted the score wrong. 5-2 Phils, not 6-1.