Thursday, March 26, 2009

Phillies 2009 Promotions - Part 2

So Taguchi Bat Day - Bat day is always one of the best giveaways of the season. This season though, the Phil might have made a mistake. On July 24th, all fans 14 and under will receive a So Taguchi Model Louisville Slugger. This bat, modeled after the one Taguchi used all season long, has a tapered black handle but no barrel. When asked about using a bat with no barrel, Taguchi said, "Bat light. Easy to swing. Get through strike zone very quick. I get around on fastball. And I never break bat...so I have that going for me, which is nice."


Utley Soap-on-a-Rope - The majority of fans had no problem with potty-mouthed Chase Utley's premeditated spontaneous act of impulsive vulgarity. Then there are a minority of stupid fucks concernced citizens that wrote complaints such as, "Is there no platform that is sacred anymore?" or "How am I to explain such profanity to my child?" Hopefully all of these rightous morons show up August 20th against the D-backs when the Phils will hand out a "Chase Utley Soap-on-a-Rope" to all fans. So much soap will be handed out, all of the mouths in the Delaware Valley will be able to be washed out.


Greg Dobbs Pinch-Hit Sweepstakes - Last season, Greg Dobbs broke the single season Phillies record for most pinch hits in a season. But Dobb's subsitition capabilities are not limited to the field, and he's going to prove it to one lucky fan. The winner of a random drawing during the Braves game on August 28th will receive the "pinch hit" services of Greg Dobbs for one day next offseason. Does the wife want to go shopping for new furniture during an Eagles game? It it your anniversary but you'd rather sit at home, watch an old John Wayne movie, eat Doritos and get drunk? Is your wife going into labor and you don't really need to see that again? If you are the lucky winner, you can pick up the phone, tell Dobbs to loosen up and sit back and enjoy a pounder of Old Milwaukee as he takes care of all the crap you don't want to do that day. [Disclaimer: The Phillies assume no responsability if your wife likes Greg Dobbs better than you.]

Brett Myers Tattoo Removal Kit - I know there are some of you out there running around with bad tattoos - a tribal armband, a ladybug on your foot, a butterfly anywhere, any form of tramp stamp, an ex-wife's name or like Brett, a tribal wristband. But you're in luck, on September 3rd against the Giants, the Phillies will be handing out a "Brett Myers Tattoo Removal Kit" to all fans over 12 with a bad tattoo. The kit includes one gallon of "removal juice" (bleach), four sheets of "scrubbing pads" (low grit sandpaper), triple antibiotic ointment and three days worth of Advil.

Bobby Cox Talking Bottle Opener - On September 28th against the Astros, all fans 21 and over or with a college ID will receive the "Bobby Cox Talking Bottle Opener." Why would the Phils give away a product with the manager of a rival team on it? It's because when this bottle opener is used to crack open a cold one, it plays an audio clip from one of the most amusing and relatively common occurances of a Phillies-Braves game - Bobby Cox getting thrown out of the game. The following is a transcript of the audio clip:

Umpire - Ball four
Cox - That's a f****** strike.
Umpire - Enough Cox.
Cox - You're a f****** moron.
Umpire - That's it. You're outta here.
Cox - F*** you! I'm going home to domestically abuse my spouse.





Corey

29 comments:

Bob D said...

At least the So-Taguchi bat day is for those under 14, that eliminates the chances that said bat will be used to commit domestic violence.

Corey seems to have a problem with my statement "Is there no platform that is sacred anymore?"

I will only let Dobbs pinch hit as a blogger right here on WSBGMS just once, other than that only the septic tank needs cleaning.

The Myers Tattoo Remover can be used to remove all of those disgusting Met logos still being displayed.

As for the Cox bottle opener: isn't there no bottle opener that is sacred? I'll wash that opener with the soap on the rope.

GM-Carson said...

Where's my Fuquastomoy bag?!

GM-Carson said...

Go vote for WSBGM's in the Best Sports Blog Name Tourney. Round 2 voting ends tonight at 11:59, and we're down 51% to 49%.

Click here, click here, click here

furiousBall said...

I bet Brett drives a yellow Xterra too

LONG DRIVE: A PHILLIES BLOG said...

I would sharpen the Taguchi bat and use it to stab a sleeping Mets fan through the heart.

GM-Carson said...

Mets fans have hearts?

LONG DRIVE: A PHILLIES BLOG said...

Howard is one strikeout away from being charged with a "Howard" this game.

LONG DRIVE: A PHILLIES BLOG said...

Spoke too soon. There is the "Howard" trifecta. Homer first at bat then an error in the field the same inning and next at bat a strikeout.

LynnieMac said...

And...Ryan Howard has completed the Howard in the bottom of the 4th.

LynnieMac said...

And...I don't type fast enough apparently.

GM-Carson said...

I'm pondering "special Howards", as in multiple k's, homeruns, and errors all in the same game. He's quite capable of it.

dr. steve said...

I do hope our combined efforts can keep track of Howards across the league.

Also, WSBGMs is tied 50-50!

GM-Carson said...

I'm a boxscore junky, so I am going to attempt to tally "Howards" across Major League Baseball this season. However, any help from the peanut gallery (you guys and gals) would be greatly appreciated. My hope is to get Karl Ravich to say something about it on Baseball Tonight or something crazy like that. Maybe Jayson Stark will like the idea and post on it.

Andrew said...

ha, saw the "Howard" committed and came here. but it was already noticed! can't wait to keep count during the season!

GM-Carson said...

Great to see Eyre (my prediction for biggest disappoint this season) give up 5 runs today. Way to go!

Amanda said...

HAHhahah! This is great. I love the So Taguchi bat and Greg Dobbs pinch hit idea.

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dr. steve said...

I think we have some spam.

GM-Carson said...

That might not be spam, that might be a pissed off So Taguchi fan.

Maria said...

...or So Taguchi.

NE Phillies Phan said...

I'd actually buy that Bobby Cox bottle opener if it were available.

Burton said...

Your Japanese jibbelish is Spam. It transrates as adveltisement for a vegetable herbar supprement.

GM-Carson said...

A supplement you say? Wonder if that too is banned by baseball.

Burton said...

Probabry.

PWHjort said...

The word(s) "Bullshit" are usually used every time he gets thrown out.

GM-Carson said...

Shh, don't tell anyone, but I actually like Bobby Cox.

LynnieMac said...

HERETIC!!!

GM-Carson said...

I've been called worse.

PWHjort said...

Bobby Cox is a pretty hilarious character. I love watching him get ejected. I don't agree with a lot of his on-field strategies, but he's great at managing the club, which is what I assume managers are expected to do more than make good on-field decisions.