Saturday, October 11, 2008

Deciphering Simers

So notorious d-nozzle TJ Simers has thrown some written barbs towards Philadelphia and its fans. In response, Philadelphians have responded with "a bunch of angry e-mail." But should we really be mad at Simers? Shouldn't we take pity on the man? Consider that he has to write about sports in LA, a city that has second largest population in America but can't support a professional football team. Jacksonville has a football team for God's sake. So, why don't we take a closer look at some of Simers quotes and what he's really saying. I think you'll find he's just crying out for help.


Quote: Before the game, the scoreboard asked the fans to wave their towels and they did. Good thing they didn't ask them to jump off the Whitman Bridge.
Translation: I'm glad they didn't ask them to jump off a bridge, because they support their team so strongly, I think they would. In LA, we can't even get fans to show up until the 4th inning.

Quote: The Phillies' mascot brought out a mini-Dodgers helmet with dreadlocks hanging from it, set it on the ground and then with the crowd howling, smashed it to bits with something akin to a sledgehammer. It's no wonder kids around here grow up thinking violence is just part of the game.
Translation: Aggression scares me and the Phillies play with tons of it. Utley and Victorino are just looking for a catcher to roll. In LA, we would stop short of home and discuss the terms of our surrender with the opposing catcher. The last time a Dodger knocked someone over is 2003 when Paul Lo Duca crashed into teammate Shawn Green trying to get to a group of high school girls who were singing the national anthem.

Quote: When it came time to sing the national anthem, they brought out some choir boys. I presume they had to have the choir boys shipped in from out of state.
Translation: The last time the Dodgers brought out choir boys, they ended up being midget transexuals from the West Hollywood Church of Gawd. Greatest. Anthem. Ever.

Quote: It's an angry place, all right, everything old here in Philadelphia, crumbling and in ruin. Even the city's main attraction has a crack in it.
Translation: The city's biggest attraction is Pat Burrell's ass, isn't it? I mean, that's why I'm here.

Quote: The Dodgers hitters weren't much earlier this season, but even at their worst, they feasted on pitchers like Moyer and Blanton.
Translation: So, I'm just going to type random stuff now and hope no one reading this knows anything about baseball. It's times like this that I'm glad I write for a paper in LA...

Quote: if the Phillies win the World Series, it will be interesting to see if the locals burn the place down. And if anyone really tries to stop them.
Translation: Somebody else needs to destroy their own city for no good reason, it can't just be an LA thing.

Quote: Now as long as the Dodgers don't lose the advantage of playing a team that can do no better than Moyer...
Translation: My monkey just typed that. And by monkey, I mean leather-clad, ball-gagged man-slave I call "Monkey." He doesn't know anything about baseball either.

These are the words of a person who wishes he didn't have to write for unappreciative Dodgers fans . I bet he would give his left ovary to write for, or possibly even be, a Philadelphia sports fan. So, the next time he spews hate and insults, don't get angry, take pity on the fool.

Corey

20 comments:

GM-Carson said...

"Give his left ovary" should go down in the WSBGM's quote Hall-of-Fame.

Simers is a buttlickingcumdumpster, seriously, he is worthless. Blogs write funnier more original stuff than he does. His act is tired, screw him.

GM-Carson said...

The Phillies have announced that Charlie Manuel and Shane Victorino will not miss any games to deaths in the family.

Tonight could be a real statement game, in that it's in LA with Moyer pitching and the opportunity to go to 3-0 in the series which is nearly uncomebackable (I know I just made up that word). Manny has owned Moyer in the past, seriously owned, owned like Moyer has Man-Ram branded on his ass owned), but I have faith in Moyer the Destroyer.

Go Phils!

Gregory said...

I had never really read Simers until his first article about "Angryville." I thoroughly enjoy two of the last quotes from his latest piece of shit which read:

"IT ISN'T just a game here in Angryville, but a violent attitude to determine who is really tougher. Before Game 2, they showed previous playoff highlights between the Dodgers and Phillies to the sound of Edwin Starr singing "War."

They also passed out white towels to the fans with red lettering, which read: "Fightin' Phils."

First off, can't any playoff series be referred to as a battle, fight, war, etc? In all actuality, isn't it also a compliment to the Dodgers that there is a war to actually fight in? I'm sure if that were played in L.A. he would look at it as the Dodgers' strong desire to beat Angryville.

Secondly, the Phillies have been known as the Fightins since 1950 and at this point, maybe Simers should refer to his team as fighters if he wants to think about their chances and how they're going to have to play over the course of the rest of this series.

This guy sucks at his job and I don't even see how his readers, however many there are, stomach him. Favoring the hometown team is one thing, but he does it in a way that should make even the most diehard L.A. fan roll his eyes.

GreggyD said...

That comment would be from me. Was signed into the wrong account. Oops.

GM-Carson said...

Aww look, GreggyD grew up.

GM-Carson said...

A collection of Moments with Manny on More Hardball.

Los said...

I have my doubts about Moyer tonight ... I hope he can last 6 innings, and the Phils offense can go on another rampage.

dr. steve said...

There is nothing but negativity towards the Phillies. Where does this universal animosity come from?

C.M.R. said...

looks like moyer is being destroyed tonight

come on offense please make up for this

Corey said...

game over. see you for game 4...

dr. steve said...

I think the national media makes way too big a deal of hits. On Base Percentage is what matters. Hasn't Howard been on base AND scored runs in this series? Doesn't that matter more than this being his first hit in the series?

C.M.R. said...

welp that's it.

1.1 IP, 6 runs, 6 hits.

moyer has been destroyed. here comes the bullpen to blow it some more.

Aaron said...

WTF Moyer.

Aaron said...

Aren't you supposed to actually get hit by the pitch before you get mad about it.
F Russel Martin.

TheGirl said...

I wish punches would have been thrown. Or some batteries at least. Give 'em a taste of the Philly sports scene they crave.

Bob D said...

I was afraid of this start for Moyer. He seems to do very well when he takes his regular turn every 5th day. But the last 2 times out he was on day 7 or so, and he has a hard time to get going. He needs to work on his regular turn to be effective.

Maybe the offense could turn it on and score 13 runs tonight, but it looks as if we need a victory on game 4 or 5 to return home with a lead.

Aaron said...

come guys lets at least make them sweat a little bit here.

BloodStripes said...

Maybe tomorrow Phils.

dr. steve said...

Ok I'm not watching this game, but...

Why was Romero out there in a 7-2 game? In the 8th inning? When there is no chance? Why didn't Happ pitch the entire game? He's a fucking starter. Thats his fucking job.

It's back to Fire Manuel season.

GM-Carson said...

No more "Moyer the Destroyer" because the only thing he destroyed the last 2 starts were my dreams. Back to being Grand Pappy, don't mess with success I suppose.

Happ should have come in the in the 2nd inning and gone as deep as he could. That was a mistake by Manuel.

That game sucked.