Saturday, March 22, 2008

Secret Talents of the Phillies

Ever wonder what secret talents some of the Phillies players are hiding from us? Well, I have. Over the past two days I've been impressed while reading Chris Coste's The 33-Year-Old Rookie, thinking that this guy is a legit author, even if he's only writing about himself. That got my mind racing about concealed talents of other Phillies, so naturally I went and scoured the Internet for information. All research is brought to you by the fine upstanding fact based site www.ThisSchittIsMadeUp.com...enjoy.

*Chase Utley holds the time and capacity record for tree scaling in the state of California. He is able to ascend a tree in a matter of seconds, while also rescuing animals (3 cats and a wounded owl all in the same trip). When asked about his favorite save of all-time, he mentions the great Red Wood climb of '99 where he bailed out 2 misguided hikers.



*When Utley is busy going up trees, Ryan Howard is busy taking them down. Yep, Howard's secret talent is lumberjacking. There's a legend in Missouri that Ryan once cut down 133 trees in one day with nothing but a hacksaw. I wish he were a little more "green minded", but that's a remarkable stat nonetheless.



*As you know, I love busting on manager Charlie Manuel. However, I found out he may actually be a genius masked with an idiot's body and dumbass' voice, as he was the 3 time champion of the West Virginia high school chess tournament. Now, I should note that by the time most West Virginians reach high school age they've dropped out and went and planted themselves firmly in the woods somewhere, so his only competition was a blind mute, an armless girl, and some dude named Jim Bob Roberts.

*If you're like me, you probably speculate if Adam Eaton has a talent at all. Turns out he does; Eaton is quite the renaissance man when it comes to musical instruments. Eaton is an accomplished concert pianist, flutist, and is currently honing his skills on the French horn...always knew you blew Adam.



*Reigning NL MVP Jimmy Rollins seemingly expends his talents on the field 162 games a season, being the perfect blend of speed, power, and defense. To keep himself in tip-top shape, he added an interesting form of exercise to his offseason training regime back in the winter of '06. Singapore style karate is his new method of staying fit, and Jimmy has recently reached the level of chartreuse belt. So, not only does he have a secret talent, he is a secret weapon as well.

*In non-Phillie related news, Carlos Beltran, Jose Reyes, and David Wright of the Mets have a hush-hush talent for synchronized swimming. Call me sick, but I'm strangely intrigued by a man in a one-piece.

~Carson

17 comments:

furiousBall said...

Geoff Jenkins can fart the alphabet

GM-Carson said...

Shane Victorino can do the spaghetti noodle through the nose and mouth trick.

furiousBall said...

Ryan Madson can poop a perfect letter J

Bob D said...

Dubee can shape a battleship from the smoke of his joint.

BloodStripes said...

Pat the bat can burp and fart simultaneously.

LynnieMac said...

Wouldn't burping and farting simultaneously create a vacuum and cause him to implode?

BloodStripes said...

No not at all. Try it.

GM-Carson said...

I just farted and burbed simultaneously, which caused me to rush to the bathroom to promptly poop out a perfect letter "J".

furiousBall said...

A J-Roll if you will?

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