Friday, January 11, 2008

Phillies Wars - Episode I

A long time ago, in an Internet far far away, there was boredom around the blogosphere. The Hot Stove had cooled and pitchers and catchers were not close to reporting. And one lonely blogger, desperate for readers, set out to entertain at least himself with comparisons between Phillies baseball and Star Wars characters. Today, Episode I.....

Charlie Manuel as Yoda - Yoda was the greatest teacher for young Jedis, just as Charlie Manuel is an accomplished hitting coach. The similarities between light sabers and Louisville sluggers are obvious. And you can't argue with their results; Yoda got Luke to lift a spaceship out of the marsh with his mind while standing on his head and Manuel got Burrell to hit a few balls to right field. I'm more impressed with the latter, to be honest. Also, it's a toss-up for who does less with the English language. "Keep your hands inside the ball you must..." And I know what you're thinking, "Corey, you make fun of Fuqua for his mental ineptitude, but you'll compare him to possibly the wisest character in the series???" Yeah, because Yoda wasn't in charge of the Jedi, he was just a member of the council. You could make the argument he was their hitting coach...

Pat Burrell as Han Solo - Burrell drinks, smokes Marlboros, dips Skoal, and before he got engaged, probably pulled a ridiculous amount of tail. Basically, he's the coolest Phillie. And Han Solo might be the coolest character in Star Wars. He has the fastest ship in the galaxy, smuggles goods for money, hooks up with a princess, and rolls through space with a wookie. Also, when Solo was frozen in carbonite, he had the same home to first time as Burrell.

Jamie Moyers as Obi-Wan - I don't think anyone else is equipped to play the part of the wise old mentor. Moyer has Hamels. Kenobi has Skywalker. Moyer looks inconspicuous and non-threatening. Obi-Wan was hermit in Episode III. But we know Master Kenobi can wreck people, and Moyer can paint the corners with Jedi precision. As far as Jedi mind tricks...

[Charlie Manuel bobs his way to the mound to speak to Jamie Moyer.]
Charlie: Well, Jamie...
Jamie: [Waves his hand in front of Charlie] You don't want to take me out of this game.
Charlie: I don't want to take you out of this game.
Jamie: [Waves his hand in front of Charlie] Go sit down.
Charlie: I'm gonna go sit down.
[Manuel bobs his way back to the dugout.]

Antonio Alfonseca as Jabba the Hut - They're both fat...end of comparison.


Corey

18 comments:

bsg said...

I know its only episode I, but "wheels" has to be a EWOK, how else to explain that thing on his head and how he always seems to interrupt Harry at the wrong time, weren't the ewoks always speaking in weird tongues at the strangest times.AND YOU CAN'T FORGET THE OWNERSHIP AS THE EVIL EMPIRE!!!!!!!!!

Bob D said...

Wookie!

Wasn't Yoda quoted as saying "May the Roids be with you!"

SirAlden said...

Cole Hamels looks like Luke Skywalker

Jimmy Rollins - Cool Billy Dee Williams, Lando Calrissian

Chewbacca - Wes Helms!

Jar Jar Binks - Ruben Amaro!!

Darth Vader - David Montgomery!!!

BloodStripes said...

Just watched Game 6 again.

Go Phightin's!!!

Kevin McGuire said...

Wow, Charlie Manuel as Yoda? There must be something wrong here. It's my understanding that Yoda is the great Jedi Knight and the smartest Jedi there is. I would think Charlie would be more of a Jar Jar Binks while the role of Yoda should be re-thought.

Kevin McGuire said...

I agree with the earlier comment though about Cole Hamels. If Moyer is Obi-Wan, then Hamels has got to be Luke!

Corey said...

"YOU CAN'T FORGET THE OWNERSHIP AS THE EVIL EMPIRE" - are you in my mind??? siralden, you also have some right, some wrong...

the role of ewok has been taken by someone else, but wheels has his place elsewhere.

bsg said...

jedi mind tricks, .......now only if it would work on ptB helms,dobbs,. etc. for the whole season!!!.............

bsg said...

Since it's phlashback phriday,maybe you should compare one of the teams from the mid-late 80's w/ "SPACEBALLS" That might be more appropriate," May the schwartz be with you!!!!"

BenJah said...

jroll can't be lando! lando was a traitor. by that logic, billy 'the rat' wagner should be lando.

i'd also compare howard more to chewbacca, based on size and power. also, both are invaluable but neither moves with much athleticism.

hamels is definately skywalker!!

how about rowand as anakin: he was great and powerful, and then he got greedy (in free agency) and turned on us. also the comparison b/w anakin's reckless but talented flying style and rowand's reckless but talented defense makes itself.

david montgomery would be the emperor.

GM-Carson said...

My guess is that Wheels will be Princess Leia. And I love that we're all such nerds for the Phils and Star Wars that we're actually debating this...this is why I love WSBGM's.

Jarex said...

the only hole in your plot thus far is that Jedi Moyer would not be able to use mind tricks on master Charlie. Maybe he's talking to Coach Du B D 2, a mindless droid.

GM-Carson said...

I am wrong in my guess about Wheels being Leia, as I got a sneak peek at tomorrow's post. You all will have to wait until this weekend to see who fills out the rest of the characters for Episodes II and III.

SirAlden said...

I hate Ruben Amaro alot.

Bob D said...

Amaro in an interview indicated interest in both Feliz and Lohse. Rumors say Feliz for $8mil, and Lohse $12mil x 3yrs (down from 4yrs). If both happens then I would say the Phils are the team to beat, even if the Mets land Santana.

Bob D said...

Excuse me that should be even if the 'Death Star' land Santana.

GM-Carson said...

I will puke in my mouth then swallow it if the Phils sing Feliz. He's a step backward at 3rd. Dobbs/Helms aren't very good, but Feliz is worse. In fact he's just like No-Hit Nunez except with the occasional homerun.

SirAlden said...

Feliz sucks. Butch Hobson's stupid younger moron brother at the plate close your eyes as swing and 20 times in 500 abs you hit a homerun.

Inge, and Crede are good targets.

Beltre if the Mariners need to save mad cash to sign Bedard long term.