Sunday, August 12, 2007

Angry Blogger Arrested

I spent last night behind bars because of Adam Eaton. Thank goodness for lifelong buddy Corey, or I may still be in the dank cell in Philly...he posted my bail. Don't worry bro, I'll pay you back later. Why was I arrested? How was it Adam Eaton's fault? Here's how the story goes...

My ever mounting hatred of Adam Eaton reached its apex last night after allowing 6 runs in less than 4 innings. I couldn't take it anymore, the man is a disgrace to a Phillies uniform, he is pitching so crappy that he'd be released if it weren't for his outlandish 3 year 24.5 million dollar contract. Patty G was even quoted after the game as to saying, "Yeah, he sucks. I should have never signed him, but hindsight is 30-30." Wow, he's as retarded as Manuel! Anyway, back to the story, so after watching Charlie take the ball from Eaton's limp hand in the top of the 4th, I hopped in my car and headed down to the stadium in a fit of fury. There I waited for about 3 hours for the opportunity to take back what's ours...the Phillies money. See, in all honesty, I thought I was doing the honorable thing that any upstanding law abiding citizen would do, but the cops didn't see it that way. I was lurking in the depths of the night darkness behind a black Hummer when I saw Eaton emerge from the clubhouse tunnel. I quickly encountered him and demanded he retire. He must of thought I was drunk, because he chuckled and asked if I had a pen...like I wanted an autograph from this no-talent ass-clown. Well, turns out I did want an autograph, so I let him sign my t-shirt with the Sharpie I had in my pocket, but that's not important to the story. After giving me his John Hancock (that's sounds dirty) he continued walking towards his vehicle, so I politely tapped him on his shoulder and demanded he retire once again. This is where it gets ugly...Eaton told me to "bug off" or something to that effect, and then I bitch-slapped him, took his wallet and car keys and sped off in his Porsche Cayenne. No, I wasn't robbing him, that's unethical and immoral, rather I was going to go max out his debit card and sell his Porsche on AutoTrader.com to try and get back some of the money he stole from the organization. Unfortunately, his Cayenne was equipped with the OnStar GPS tracking device and I was apprehended by the boys in blue before I got off the Schuylkill...damn traffic! And that my friends is how an angry blogger was arrested. Funny side note- my trial date is the same day as Jay Baller and Julio Mateo's.

P.S.- I'm not trying to get arrested for real, so in case you're retarded and read this thinking it's true or may happen, please know it was a farce.

~Carson

17 comments:

GM-Carson said...

Eaton's 1st inning era- 7.50. Eaton's era over his last 10 starts- 7.96. If we don't make the playoffs, he's a huge reason why. Don't get me wrong, the blame goes beyond Eaton, but he is seriously one of the worst pitchers in MLB this season...disgusting.

Peter N said...

Gee, you seemed like such an honest guy. How long will you be on probation?
P.S. I know humor when I read it, and I also can sympathize with your fristration....a few Red Sox players (pitchers) come to mind. Hey, great post! Peter N.

GM-Carson said...

Thanks Peter. At least your Red Sox have won a championship recently and are perrenial contenders now. I'm hoping for a BoSox/Phils World Series personally, but that's doubtful because that would mean the Phils actually have to get into the playoffs.

Bob D said...

You forgot the part where Jacobin will be prosecuting you and/or his abuse of powers got you out of jail.

When Manuel took Eaton out of the game that had to be the largest cheer of the night.

GM-Carson said...

How can I say this without overstating my point...hmm...oh, I've got it, "I hate Adam Eaton!". There, that was succinct and poignant.

Corey said...

2 more yeas of this crap.

go here to look at eaton's contract numbers and make yourself sick.

GM-Carson said...

Very informative site Corey. Thanks again for bailing me out bro!

Jacobin said...

Hmm... since the hypothetical crime would have taken place in Philadelphia, it would have been out of the jurisdiction I'm in. I can only surmise that the charges would be loitering and prowling, harassment, simple assault, robbery (wallet), robbery (auto theft), as well as theft by unlawful taking (two counts, graded differently for wallet and vehicle). The robberies are going to be felonies and the car theft is automatically a felony, but how much was in the wallet would determine the grading of that theft (more than $2k would get you to felony). Overall, it would be a significant amount of time in jail that one could face from such an encounter, which means the moral of this story is:

Gavin Eaton isn't worth the effort, just like he isn't worth $8 million per season.

Los said...

We could probably get David Wells on the cheap ... sure, he's no better than Eaton at this point ... but he's also no worse.

GM-Carson said...

This is the type of fake story I would love to be spread across the internet as a big hoax and get its way back to the ears of Adam Eaton.

Bob D said...

Be afraid, be very, very afraid!

BenJah said...

i've always tried to follow the law myself.....that is until i saw the "cops" at the bottom of the post. i've never wanted to be arrested and put in cuffs so badly in my life!!

Whelkman said...

been to Cot's several times but first time I noticed Moyer negotiated his own contract.

GM-Carson said...

Taking 2 out of 3 against the Braves is still a success so it is imperative that Grand Pappy pitch well tonight while the offense scores some crushing blows off of our buddy-Buddy Caryle.

Jacobin said...

That was a big win and wonderful to get considering how Steve Smith was extra terrible tonight. Why is this guy still the third base coach?

DPS said...

gm-carson,

Received your comment over at my Phil-Sox blog. Not only am I checking your blog out, I'm putting a link to it on mine. Would you consider doing the same for me?

http://philsox.blogspot.com

I also added a post on mine, commenting on your site and, in particular, this post of yours, which I found hilarious!

Go Phils!

Marc said...

Oh my gosh. Wow!