Saturday, July 14, 2007

Vacation Predictions: Revisited

Last Saturday I abandoned the blog and the Phillies for a week at the beach. I return today with a sunburn, a bigger belly, and some predictions to check back on. Before I left on my rendezvous I predicted some Phillies happenings over the week I would be away, and now I will revisit them to see just how awesome I am a predicting the future (in this case not).

Vacation Predictions:

*"The Phillies will ungracefully slip to sub .500." The Phils have miraculously held off the inevitable 10k franchise loss and actually are a game above .500 (45-44) and still in the playoff picture. I may have been wrong about them slipping to below .500, but they did get bent over in Colorado worse than Paris Hilton in a cellphone video clip.

*"No-Hit Nunez will test positive for a performance enhancing drug." Abraham swears he has steered clear of the dope throughout his illustrious career and even made me a one-day fan of his by heaving sandbags on a hellbent rain tarp in Colorado.

*"The AL will prevail over the NL in the mid summer classic winning their 42nd All-Star game in a row." Finally I got one right, but the AL's triumph over the NL was actually the 47th time in a row the NL was left sucking hind teat.

*"Ryan Howard will defend his Homerun Derby title and go on a 2nd half tear." Howard showed about as much power in San Fran as Rudy Giuliani has in the republican presidential candidacy, but he did start the 2nd half with a 3-5 effort last night.

*"Jose Mesa will surrender a run during the All-Star break." By my unofficial tally, Joe Table gave up a mind-bottling 27 runs during the 3 game All-Star break...told you he f'n sucks.

*"Six-Finger-Ant will finally give birth." Alf welcomed a behemoth baby girl into the world weighing 46 pounds 11 ounces, and he named his lil' princess Towanda Mychiad.

*"Charles Fuqua Manuel (sorry, can't say his full name enough) will make a piss-poor decision that negatively alters the outcome of the game." Lets just face the fact that almost every decision this man makes is "piss-poor", including his decision to even bother waking up and getting out of bed in the morning.

*"Brett Myers' and Tom Gordon's returns will be delayed yet again." Myers is tossing balls finally (before now he was only handling balls), meanwhile Gordon is doing a rehab assignment in Clearwater and pitching like Popeye without his spinach.

*"Pat Burrell will be in the midst of a 23 game hitting streak." Patrick is currently enjoying a ground-breaking 4 game hitting streak, and I'm sure he'll at least reach 23 games.

*"Patty G will acquire some turd torpedo from the waiver crap heap and try to convince fans that said player will make a difference." Gillick may not have gotten some new piece of poop, but we still do have J.D. Durbin after all.

*"Our bullpen will continue to have less value than a wheat penny." I need to take this time to apologize to all wheat pennies, as I was out of line in my posting of the Philadelphia Phillies 2007 bullpen in association with you, as you have served America many splendid years of valuable service and the Phils relief crew has done nothing worthwhile besides make Andrew Dice Clay's comeback appear meaningful in comparison.

~Carson

19 comments:

Bob D said...

I read the Phils will fill thier pitching voids from within the organization. Does this mean Myers as a starter and Gordon as the closer? or both in the pen and a 4 man rotation? The only real valuable players we have to trade that may be given a thought or two are: Carlos Ruiz (even with Coste too valuable), Michael Bourn (we are better off keeping him especially for the future), Aaron Rowand (way too valuable), and the outfield sod (if Montgomery & Co catch wind of this idea we will see an outfield of gravel). Sorry but Burrell, Helms, Barajas, and others really have no value so why would someone want to trade a decent player for them? And on top of that I do not want to see one of our top prospects get traded for anyone that is a rent a player or just crummy. There are a few top players like Bedard who I wouldn't mind a trade for but it is only a FEW.

GM-Carson said...

Jimmy and Ryan go deep in the top of the 1st...welcome back from vacation Carson. Hopefully Howard's swing is ready for 2nd half domination. Hopefully Hamels can calm the hell down and pitch a decent game, he's all over the place right now.

GM-Carson said...

What the hell Hamels...a bases loaded single to the pitcher...I thought you were supposed to be "King", "Savior", better than Chuck F*ckin' Norris!

Corey said...

"Howard showed about as much power in San Fran as Rudy Giuliani has in the republican presidential candidacy" - Howard didn't hit many homeruns; Guiliani leads about every poll in the race for the republican nomination. might want to replace guiliani with chuck hagel or tommy thompson or gary coleman...

Jacobin said...

Thus far in his brief career, Hamels has had worse numbers in day games as compared to night games. Whether this is coincidence or there really is something behind it, he should go to 11 wins today. 8-4 going into the bottom of the sixth means your team should win... and then I think about what might come out of the bullpen and I worry.

BloodStripes said...

With a 4 run lead and Hamels done. We need a few more insurance runs with our bullpen. Right now bases loaded for Pat. Yes....bloop single....Burrell is on fire. Lookout! Somehow he hit that to right field. What the.......Burrell to right field? He is hot! Ha!

Jacobin said...

Burrell gets a standing ovation for going 3-3 with 4 RBI, and a walk. I'm not sure what to say. It's not everyday that someone hitting .224 (oops, raised to .227 with that last hit) and making over $13 million gets that kind of crowd reaction. Think his trade value will get any higher?

BloodStripes said...

Jacobin. Soon Burrells trade value will be giving us vertigo! He is on his way to a lofty .250+ batting average. Kicking ass.

Corey said...

this is NOT the way to hit under .200, pat burrell...

Jacobin said...

23 runs in two games... this team certainly can score. Of course, they still aren't sure who's going to pitch on Tuesday (probably Durbin).

SirAlden said...

Your Former Man Pat "the Bat" Burrell has surged from .201 to .227 as he went 3 for 3 with a walk and four RBI's.

He is as slow as a gravel truck with unexpectable tires cloging everyone behind him, but today he did good.

Go pick yourself up two Coors twins at the bar who don't understand all that math stuff about averages, but know that everyone is patting you on the back today because you did good.

You did good Pat. You did good.

SirAlden said...

INSPECTABLE

SirAlden said...

UN-INSPECTABLE

Bob D said...

Burrell may just prove us all wrong (especially after being bashed by us all here) and be batting 250 by next week. Which means he maybe a 300 hitter half way thru August.

Reagan316 said...

I just got back from the game today. My seats were in section 101 in center field right against the railing that overlooks the bullpen. I'm pretty sure I spent half the game looking Alfonseca's sixth finger. It's like a train wreck. Actually the whole bullpen is a train wreck. I wanted to toss a grenade down in there.

F'n awesome game today. Patricia grew a set of balls and drove in four. I called Rollins' leadoff home run too. Another double-digit run performance would be nice tomorrow for the sweep. We'll probably need 10+ runs anyway with Gavin Eaton on the hill.

das411 said...

Sweet win today, I could definitely get used to these Clay Condrey bullpen mop-up games so long as the real Condrey (or Geary or Rosario...) aren't around to give back the leads!

GM-Carson said...

Ok, so the Howard/Guiliani analogy doesn't work all to well. Rudy very well might get the republican nod, but he'll never win the presidency. Alright, enough politics, by bad.

Anyway, awesome game yesterday from an offensive perspective. Cole Hamels performance didn't inspire me at all though. He really needs to harness his ability and be more consistent on the mound.

Pat Burrell is confusing the shit outta me with this recent resurgence, and I'm ok with that. I'll never stop rooting for the guy, but I won't defend him either, he has earned the fans angst.

GM-Carson said...

And unfortunately yes, J.D. Durbin is scheduled to start on Tuesday. It's nearly unbelievable that we have both Durbin and Mesa on our staff...they're complete trash.

Speaking of Mesa, did anybody catch him doing the starting lineup for the Phils on Fox yesterday? He introduced himself as Joe Table, and then promptly butchered every players' name with the exception of Carlos Ruiz...go figure.

GM-Carson said...

Brett Myers update- Philadelphia Phillies CL Brett Myers (shoulder) threw a bullpen session in Clearwater, Fla., Saturday, July 14, according to the Associated Press, and will throw to batters Tuesday, July 17.