Last Saturday I abandoned the blog and the Phillies for a week at the beach. I return today with a sunburn, a bigger belly, and some predictions to check back on. Before I left on my rendezvous I predicted some Phillies happenings over the week I would be away, and now I will revisit them to see just how awesome I am a predicting the future (in this case not).
*"The Phillies will ungracefully slip to sub .500." The Phils have miraculously held off the inevitable 10k franchise loss and actually are a game above .500 (45-44) and still in the playoff picture. I may have been wrong about them slipping to below .500, but they did get bent over in Colorado worse than Paris Hilton in a cellphone video clip.
*"No-Hit Nunez will test positive for a performance enhancing drug." Abraham swears he has steered clear of the dope throughout his illustrious career and even made me a one-day fan of his by heaving sandbags on a hellbent rain tarp in Colorado.
*"The AL will prevail over the NL in the mid summer classic winning their 42nd All-Star game in a row." Finally I got one right, but the AL's triumph over the NL was actually the 47th time in a row the NL was left sucking hind teat.
*"Ryan Howard will defend his Homerun Derby title and go on a 2nd half tear." Howard showed about as much power in San Fran as Rudy Giuliani has in the republican presidential candidacy, but he did start the 2nd half with a 3-5 effort last night.
*"Jose Mesa will surrender a run during the All-Star break." By my unofficial tally, Joe Table gave up a mind-bottling 27 runs during the 3 game All-Star break...told you he f'n sucks.
*"Six-Finger-Ant will finally give birth." Alf welcomed a behemoth baby girl into the world weighing 46 pounds 11 ounces, and he named his lil' princess Towanda Mychiad.
*"Charles Fuqua Manuel (sorry, can't say his full name enough) will make a piss-poor decision that negatively alters the outcome of the game." Lets just face the fact that almost every decision this man makes is "piss-poor", including his decision to even bother waking up and getting out of bed in the morning.
*"Brett Myers' and Tom Gordon's returns will be delayed yet again." Myers is tossing balls finally (before now he was only handling balls), meanwhile Gordon is doing a rehab assignment in Clearwater and pitching like Popeye without his spinach.
*"Pat Burrell will be in the midst of a 23 game hitting streak." Patrick is currently enjoying a ground-breaking 4 game hitting streak, and I'm sure he'll at least reach 23 games.
*"Patty G will acquire some turd torpedo from the waiver crap heap and try to convince fans that said player will make a difference." Gillick may not have gotten some new piece of poop, but we still do have J.D. Durbin after all.
*"Our bullpen will continue to have less value than a wheat penny." I need to take this time to apologize to all wheat pennies, as I was out of line in my posting of the Philadelphia Phillies 2007 bullpen in association with you, as you have served America many splendid years of valuable service and the Phils relief crew has done nothing worthwhile besides make Andrew Dice Clay's comeback appear meaningful in comparison.