Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Screen Play: Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde (Phillies Version)

Mr. Hyde- Today is the day the Philadelphia Phillies turn things around for the better. Pat Gillick is an intelligent GM, and his offseason addition of Adam Eaton will be the guy that steps up and rights this ship. Last season began much the same way with a poor 1-6 record. Do remember though how nicely things ended, as we were in a race for the NL Wild Card up until the bitter end...now that's excitement.

Dr. Jekyll- Things are going to turn around for the better? Badda-bing Badda-bong, pass that stuff you be smoking over here brotha. How can you possibly be so naive? You got one thing right, this season is off to the same appalling beginning as '06 with identical loser 1-6 records. However, things didn't end "nicely". As I remember we still fell short of the ultimate goal which is to make it to the postseason.

Mr. Hyde- The offense is simply struggling right now, but we have far too many superstars on this team for them to continue in this lackluster fashion. I recall leading the NL in runs scored last season. Ryan Howard and Chase Utley are offensive forces to be reckoned with and their minion of Rollins, Burrell, Victorino, and the lot are stellar performers.

Dr. Jekyll- We have a bunch of individuals that put up nice numbers as a solo act, but don't seem to mesh as a team. The Phillies are not capable of situational hitting, but they are quite accomplished in the art of sh*tting. Besides, this offense would have to rack up 10+ runs a game to make up for what this pitching staff will surrender to the opposition. Look at our bullpen, you got an aged reliever named Flash that is barely a twinkle anymore and a bunch of guys that wouldn't make it on the Yankees Triple A roster.

Mr. Hyde- Our bullpen only accounts for a third of the game played, and there's enough talent out there that will get us by. Our dominant starting rotation will work well into the 6th, 7th, and 8th innings of ball games leaving little need for the bullpen. Flash Gordon has only appeared in 2 games this season, he'll be fine. Ryan Madson, Geoff Geary, and Antonio Alfonseca have all experienced success in the past and there's no tell-tale sign saying that won't happen again. Charlie Manuel and his coaching staff have the ability to get the most of their players because they take a friendly approach and treat these men like buddies, not just ball players. Through this coaching style Manuel is able to keep the players loose and their spirits up. The Phils are just bursting at the seems ready to explode on the Mets today.

Dr. Jekyll- You're just annoying me now! Are you trying to say retarded statements, or are you just plain dense? Our bullpen sucks, and that's putting it mildly, our offense as a collective group are a bunch of chokers, and our manager may be as foolhardy as a prison guard trying to make nice with Hannibal Lecter. The Phillies are failures, they have the most losses of any sports franchise in the history of sports...the freakin' Bad News Bears make us look deplorable.

Mr. Hyde- I do not like your tone, as I am trying to point out the positives of this team and you sit there tearing everything I say apart. What happened to your optimism, why do you have a calloused heart?

Dr. Jekyll- My soul has been devoured by the dastardly devil often referred to as the Phillies. I can't taking losing anymore. This team does have talent, but where is the desire? I'm sick of looking at this squad on paper and thinking that they should win...I need to look at them on the field and witness them win. I'm going crazy, I'm having night terrors and waking up in a cold sweat due to these bastards. I've become consumed with everything Phillies and my life will not be complete until they WIN!

At this moment Dr. Jekyll begins strangling Mr. Hyde, which essentially leads to the death of "both" of them.

The End.

~Carson

25 comments:

GM-Carson said...

The Phillies better start winning soon because I'm running out of creative ideas for making losing seem commical.

furiousBall said...

or comical ...you asshole

GM-Carson said...

The return of the A-Hole. I was wondering how long it would be until I got dissed again.

Oh wonderful FuriousBall, could you please break out a funny story from your past that will shed some laughter on this dismal land of Phillies Phans.

The Big Dog said...

Fellas, been reading the blog a lot lately and I feel your pain. If you were Pat Gillick, what would you do at this point to stop the hemorrhaging? Do you stand Pat? Do you make a trade? Do you deep six Fuqua? Well, if I was in the same shoes, I think you have to look at this with the glass half empty. They just aren't playing that well and the bullpen is anemic. Plus, you need to deep six the monkey on their back, stat. You can't start 3-10 and hope to pick it up in May, as bad starts have bled into just enough not to make the post season the past few years. Plus a move throws the gauntlet down and symbolizes that this is unacceptable. Which it is. Right now, you need to put a spark in the line-up to help manufacture runs and need to give a serviceable arm to the bullpen...I don't know what is available, but I think that you need to move Rowand. He is a useless anchor in this offense....move Victorino to centerfield and give Michael Bourn some PT...hell, Bourn has some speed and I honestly think that that will help manufacture some runs. Or at least light a spark....then, you really need to move Lieber before he cancer's the club house and has some trade value. Everyone is looking for bullpen help, but you need to get some for him, somehow, someway....there has to be a team that needs a starter, right? Maybe if you move those 2, you can add a bullpen arm, another rightfielder (I don't know if a Werth/Bourn platoon works)....but it really lays it down that the buck stops here. Before it's too late.

GM-Carson said...

Today is a pivotal game. We don't just need a win, we need a fundamentally sound win. Playing a solid game for 9 frames with smart baserunning, quality defense, good starting effort by Eaton, bullpen success, and overall offense dominance. I know I'm hoping for a lot, but this is what the team needs to get back on track.

McD said...

The Phils have to win this series with the Mets! This slow start is different from years past due to the fact that all of these loses are coming against divisional rivals!

I still think the problem with this franchise is the ownership. The manager, GM, players, and even stadium has changed over and over for the past quarter century, but the ownership has remained essentially the same. It is the one constant. Monty and his boys have shown they are not capable of producing a winning team.

I hate to sound repititive, but people are bitching about the wrong thing. The poor play, the poor coaching, and the poor decisions made by the GM are all symptoms due to the inept leadership at the top. Nothing is going to change until a new owner with a true desire to win (like Steinbrenner or John Henry) is brought into town.

It will be more of the same until the new Messiah arrives.

GM-Carson said...

From FoxSports- GM Pat Gillick said the Phillies may take another look at right-hander Dustin Hermanson, a former Chicago White Sox closer released by the Cincinnati Reds at the end of spring training because of concerns about a back problem that sidelined him most of last season. And, for the right price, the Houston Astros may be willing to move struggling right-hander Brad Lidge after booting him from the closer role.

*Hermanson is washed up, but may have a few bullets left in his arm. Lidge is very intriguing as he obviously needs a change of scenery.

Jacobin said...

Lidge is a headcase, and we know how well the Philadelphia scenery works for pitchers who don't have their melons properly adjusted. Gavin Floyd sure worked things out...

What should Gillick do? Go down to the clubhouse before today's game, approach Fuqua as if he's going to whisper something to him, and then drop him with a knee right to the nuts.

GM-Carson said...

Gillick should send an airplane over Shea Stadium during the top of the 1st saying "Surprise, you're fired!". Then we can watch that fat R-Tard cry publicly.

The Big Dog said...

jacobin, that was one of the funniest things I have ever read...the whisper-deke...."hey Fuqua, come here buddy, got a little secret..." (umph!! right to the twins)

michael said...

the phils should get Macha or Girardi on the phone NOW!

Reagan316 said...

I was taking a drink right when I read Jacobin's comment about kneeing Fuqua in the nuts and damn near spit it all over my computer screen.

At this point we should be trying anything and maybe a kick in Fuqua's nuts is what we need to turn things around.

Skeeter said...

After Gillick kicks Manuel in the nuts, Hamels should ninja-kick Gillick in the head for not getting a bullpen to secure him wins.

Jacobin said...

I just figured that Gillick seems like a decent guy, and I know I'd like to kick that goober in the giggle berries. Not to mention that if you put your boot up his ass, you might cause further brain damage.

Skeeter said...

GIGGLE BERRIES!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA

McD said...

Joe Girardi would be a great fit in Philly. But of course he will never be chosen by the front office because he has a brain.

michael said...

i think Girardi would be great, he's a young guy who gets how to win games. philly has twice as much talent as florida last year and he almost got them to the playoffs just think what he could do here.

BloodStripes said...

I was for Girardi coming to Philly the moment he was axed by Florida. He did a great job there. It's exactly what the Phils need. A brain on the bench and someone with a bit of fire. Fuck Fuqua off and hire the man!

BloodStripes said...

The Phils have had plenty of time to realize how shithouse they have been so hopefully they come out today with a new and improved attitude that will start them on a winning trend.

C'mon Phils....lets go!!!!

Jacobin said...

I'd be cool with Girardi, but you know who wouldn't be? Phillies ownership. Girardi would be like the Jim Leyland hire they declined to make (during that sham interview process that culminated in the ascension of Fuqua). They do not want a manager that might open his mouth and bitch about the organization's shortcomings. The propensity to tell it like it is helped lead to Girardi's exit from the Marlins. And such behavior completely doomed the possibility of the Phils hiring Leyland a few years ago. This is an organization that obsesses about its public image, yet never seems to realize that if they'd just put a winner out there everyone would be happy.

GM-Carson said...

I agree Girardi would be better than Fuqua, and of course Leyland would have been the "best" choice. But I personally like Terry Pendleton. When Bobby Cox retires after this season, he'll be taking over for Atlanta. He was also interviewed back when Fuqua was, and I told Corey I think Pendleton would be a good fit in Philly- nice combo of smarts, fire, and laid-backness.

By the way, just got back from my wife ultrasound and we're having a "Lefty". Yep, I'm having a BOY! You can start looking for him in a Phillies uniform on the Cit's mound in about 20 years.

GM-Carson said...

Minor League News- Triple A 2nd Baseman Brent Abernathy has been traded to the Nats for future considerations, while Joe "I can't lay down a bunt" Thurston was promoted to Ottawa to replace Abernathy at 2nd.

Skeeter said...

Awesome news on the boy, Carson. Congrats. When I have a kid (first of course I have to get a freakin wife) I pray it is a boy. I want a Cole Hamels.

klkatz said...

Through 7.. Eaton looks pretty good... he might be the guy...

Jacobin said...

Hot damn! It's nice to beat the Mets... of course we left another 14 runners on base.