Screw this, I can't take it anymore. I'm a young healthy 27-year-old male that is about to become a father, I need to think ahead for my future. No more heartburn, fits of rage, spells of heavy drinking, high blood pressure, depression, swollen knuckles, hoarse throat, or shot nerves due to the Phillies. I'm switching allegiances today, no more Phillies, I'm going hat shopping!
First hat I'm trying on- Atlanta Braves. Why? My wife is a Bravos fan and seems to be a happy woman every season. Maybe this is because I'm despondent every season due to my Phils suffering through yet another year of playoff drought that she seems extra "chipper". Or, it is probably because for the majority of our lifetime the Braves have been perennial contenders. Verdict- I don't like the way the navy blue cap and red brim clashed with my skin tone, going to have to pass on becoming a Braves supporter.
Why am I even bothering to try on other hats? What have the Phillies done that has caused me to jump ship and go insane at the same time? Here's something- Charles Fuqua Manuel is still the manager of this ball club. He is a horrible manager, and I am not exaggerating. Quick example- yesterday I said this in the comment section on here before the game started, "My guess is that Lieber is on a stupid pitch count of 75-80 pitches because he's coming from the 'pen...I hate pitch counts...pussy pitchers." Over at BeerLeaguer, I said something similar, "Do you think Lieber is going to have a stupid pitch count of 75-80 pitches because he's coming from the 'pen? I say leave him in for 100 pitches or so if he's chucking well.". Chucking well Donut-Eater was, in fact he had 77 pitches when trusty Fuqua yanked him in the bottom of the 6 with 2 outs in the midst of pitching a 1 hitter. What happened next just befuddled me...Geary comes in and walks his man, so Fuqua naturally goes to our bullpen ace of walks Matt Smith and then Matt Smith walks his man. Apparently Geary and Smith are only 1 batter pitchers now, so Fuqua goes to the mound yet again and calls for Alfonseca. Alfonseca does a solid job finishing the inning without surrendering the lead and pitches the 7th nicely too. Manuel used 4 pitchers in the 6th inning though, when Lieber should have never been pulled to begin with. New setup man Myers and "The Arm" do a great job snapping off some breaking pitches in the 8th freezing the Reds' hitters, and now Manuel HAS to bring in his closer for the 9th. Why not leave Myers in? He's a "former" starter, I'm sure he could handle another 15 pitches or so. But no, Manuel goes to the man who continues to fail us...Tom Gordon, and fail us he did. Gordon gives up a jack with 2 out in the 9th to tie the game, then completely falls apart in the 10th to lose the game. Nice pitching selections Manuel, how many more games to plan on screwing up this season?
Next hat- New York Yankees. I can't believe my spirits have sank this low that I'm considering the Evil Empire as my refuge...something is seriously wrong here. I go to put on the cap, but my hair starts burning before I even get it fully on my head. I can't bring myself to do it, no matter how formidable the Yanks offense is, no matter how many championships they've won, and no matter how many homeruns A-Rod hits in April...I can't become a Yankees fan.
At this point, I'm about to end my shopping trip and try to forget baseball altogether. I'm still haunted by the Phils first 15 games this season. For the life of me, I would have never thought this team was possible of playing this poorly, 4-11, worst in baseball. Although I'd love Manuel's head on a platter, he's not close to being the only one to blame, as Pat Gillick constructed this shitfest, and the players we're supposed to count on are too busy counting greenbacks to worry about producing. The offense was #1 in the NL last season in runs scored, but this season they've seemed to develop an allergy to scoring. I want to bash my head against a wall every time the Phils load the bases and end up doing NOTHING. We're something like 2-25 on the season with the bases juiced...somebody go sign Robin Ventura please. And while you're at it, inject No-Hit Nunez with some HGH because he doesn't even have "warning track power", his must be considered "infield grass brawn". By the way, nice error by the supposed defensive specialist...freakin' useless!
Next stop, Baseball Heaven- a St. Louis Cardinals hat. I've heard rumors that this is the Mecca of baseball towns, that the fans sing and dance in unity before and after games, that the owner buys sausages and eclairs for loyal supporters, and fans partake in soul cleansing rituals that lead to soothing merriment within their hearts. That stuff sounds absolutely gay to me, I'll leave this hat for Corey and Skeeter, ain't nobody getting near my Pujols!
Well, I can't find a hat that suits me. I guess I'll just go back to what fits best, the Philadelphia Phillies. What can I say, I'm a glutton for punishment.