Friday, April 13, 2007

Easing the Pain: Volume VII

The Phillies aren't only challenging my patience and better judgement this season with their ever mounting mound of losses. They're also testing my wit by forcing me to find creative avenues for making losing seem funny. Bottom line, losing isn't amusing (ha, that rhymed), but misery is, and we've got plenty of that to go around.

Not Funny- Our slugging trio of Howard, Utley, and Burrell have a collective 3 homeruns, while our trash-talking pipsqueak shortstop J-Roll (or as that ass-hat Sarge calls him "JR") has 5 4-baggers.
Funny- Midgets, oops I meant to type "small people", wrestling muscle-bound grown men.

Not Funny- Our resident fatty Donut-Eater Jon Lieber wasting away (his talent that is, not his actual girth) in the bullpen.
Funny- Anything with the "fat guy in a little coat" Chris Farley. For a good laugh/distraction I recommend watching Tommy Boy, Beverly Hills Ninja, Black Sheep, or the SNL Chris Farley collection.

Not Funny- Our corner infielders' fielding, as Wes Helms and Ryan Howard have botched more plays this season than I can count on Antonio Alfonseca's hands and feet.
Funny- Gangsta Rapper Eazy-E...that dude spit some clever rhymes in his time. "Well I'm Eazy-E, I got bitches galore. You may have a lot of bitches, but I got much more. With my super duper group coming out to shoot. Eazy-E, mutha-suckas cold knocking the boots."

Not Funny- Sal Fasano netted us a criminal. Minor Leaguer Hector Made has been caught and suspended for 50 games for violating the banned substance policy.
Funny- Just Say No! While you're saying "no", pop in the hilarious Cheech and Chong's Up in Smoke...it's okay to watch, just don't partake.

~Carson

35 comments:

McD said...

I think we should begin the countdown to Phillies loss #10,000. Its a milestone no other team in the world can claim! Go Phils!

And Wes Helms' play is starting to make me miss David Bell just a little bit. I know that is blasphemy to you, but at least Bell could field the ball!

GM-Carson said...

McD- I almost disowned my dad when he said the exact same thing this past Sunday about Helms/Bell. Do not miss David Bell! Miss Scott Rolen, miss Charlie Hayes, miss Placido Polanco, miss Rick Schu, but never, and I mean NEVER miss David H-Mo Bell!!!

Ok, I'm done ranting.

Skeeter said...

Midgets getting beat up NEVER gets old.





ever

GM-Carson said...

I need to illegally download photoshop, so I can put Corey's face on some midget pictures. He deserves a good burn, as he's been dissin' me quite a lot.

icarus236 said...

I'm really upset about the Hector Made suspension. The whole point to trading all of those veterans was to bolster the farm system. Instead we got a guy who is the back up second baseman at A Clearwater and still needs to do steroids. What's up with that?

GM-Carson said...

All those trades (Fasano, Cormier, and Bell) have come back to suck. Cormier brought us Justin Germano who was lost to waivers early this spring (claimed by Padres). Bell got us Wilfredo Laureano who was cut from minor league came this spring. What a waste! I know David Bell, Sal Fasano, and Rheal Cormier aren't prizes by any means, but those trades should have at least got us serviceable minor league fillers. The Vincente Padilla one is the worst of them all though.

McD said...

Carson - Sorry for getting your blood pressure up, Helms' play last night has made me dilusional!

Corey said...

do you want fasano, cormier or bell on this team? obviously not. so why would other teams. i can't believe we got live bodies for those stiffs. we joke about trading players for bats or balls or piles of dog feces, but sometimes it is true. you can't expect some other team to give somebody of value for our shit. those trades were good just because those players are no longer here.

GM-Carson said...

McD- it's all good in this hood. Some of the funniest stuff I type is when my blood pressure is boiling.

This weekend series against the Ass-tros really scares me, especially with Roy Oswalt on the mound tonight. The offense needs to step the hell up and score some runs for the pitching. The defense needs to stop leaking like a sieve.

GM-Carson said...

I will admit ridding this team of Fasano and Bell and getting warm bodies back in return was an accomplishment on Gillick's part. Cormier and Padilla had trade value though, and to have nothing in the organization to show for those 2 trades hurts. Look at our positional "prospects"...they suck!

furiousBall said...

I cringe every time I consider comparing Helms hitting stats to David Bells...if they are the same or close, I would probably weep openly like a wee girl...or like David Bell

Jacobin said...

We traded Sal Fasano for a lousy 2b prospect that is roiding it up to establish himself as a .269 hitter in 4 seasons of A ball. Shit, they could have traded the fu manchu for a bj from a dirty, one-eyed Thai hooker and it would have been a better deal.

But why don't we look at it like this, both Fasano and Barajas have 9 years of major league experience. Barajas is clearly the better catcher with his lifetime .239 batting average... Fasano only can boast being a .221 hitter!

We traded a fat guy with funny facial hair for an A-ball drug user. And then we go out and sign Rodrigo Richard Barajas (born in Ontario! WTF?!?) who was injured much of last year. Although I should note that during that injury-shortened season, Royal Canadian Plate Squatter Barajas hit a career high .256!!!

Why does Pat Gillick hate Chris Coste?

GM-Carson said...

I'm beginning to hate Pat Gillick!

GM-Carson said...

Did You Know? The Phillies started the season 1-6. Just one team in the last 30 years started the season 1-6 and made the postseason: the 1995 Cincinnati Reds.

So, I wonder how are chances look now that we're a stellar 2-7.

GM-Carson said...

It's official, the Phillies are off to their worst start in 20 years...yikes!

chuckm said...

I know this is hindsight and "small sample" but Akinori Iwamura (.433/.553/1.120) was there for the taking for cheap and would look really good at third-base and in the 6-hole right now. It isnt like the Phillies have a cant-miss 3B on the farm

GM-Carson said...

ChuckM- being the fantasy baseball guru that I am, the fact that Akinori Iwamura is doing well for the D-Rays doens't escape me. I don't think we should have doled out ludicrous Dice-K like money to get him, but it barely took Wes Helms like money to get him. Helms still will end up being an improvement offensively over David Bell, but Helms is a butcher over there at 3rd. Iwamura can hit and came to America already with supposed Gold Glove worthy defense. So yes it is hindsight, but it's also a mistake that we didn't bid on him.

klkatz said...

I miss Dale Svuem!

kentucky phils phan said...

i don't understand whats wrong with us...it deffinitely isn't talent, we have plenty of that...it almost seems like we lack heart somtimes, and basic baseball smarts.

chuckm said...

This is getting to be too much. Myers shits the bed for the second start in a row, Lieber is a useless slob and Manuel, for whatever stupid reason benched Pat Burrell while Werthless K's 4 times.

Jacobin said...

2-8... suck.

das411 said...

Just remember (guys + Maria), those '95 Reds were also managed by Davey Johnson...

and I'm predicting it right now, when Gordon goes down (which I'm guessing will be the first save opp vs those damn Nats, one of them games next week) we're going to have to look far and wide for a shutdown closer...and he will have been in our rotation all along...

Just imagine, a rotation of:

Garcia - RHP
Hamels - LHP
Lieber - RHP
Moyer - LHP
Eaton - RHP

is probably still better than any in this division...but are there any closers better than a pissed-off, Eck + Gagne + Smoltz-ified BRETT MYERS???

BenJah said...

i agree with 'kentucky phils phan': it isn't talent so much (well, it probably is in the bullpen), it's the heart that we lack. it's like these guys said, "ok, we have the phans by the balls now with the highest expectations ever. we'll show them!!"

gillick sure played the lottery over the winter: he picked up guys who he thought would surprise everyone, but who ended up playing EXACTLY the way everyone knew they would. seriously, when has wes helms EVER been mistaken for an everyday 3rd baseman?? except for 2 months in 2004, when had werth ever looked like a legit major leaguer??

GM-Carson said...

Carlos F'n Lee hits 3 bombs in the same game...shitty!

Jon Lieber as a relief pitcher...shitty!

Brett Myers as a staff ace...shitty!

Jayson Werth...plain ol' shitty!

GM-Carson said...

Minor League News- J.D. Durbin claimed off waivers...yippie more shit to pile on the shit-heap.

BloodStripes said...

I'm getting up in 8 hours to watch Hamels get his first win. If no win. It could be time for Phils phans to............slit your own throat!

GM-Carson said...

BloodStripes- I try to be a funny guy, and have a good time with life, but the Phillies are simply depressing right now. This season is about as sucky as it gets.

BloodStripes said...

Its totally rooted! Its time to put Fuquas head on the block and bring in the........state executioner.

Say to Gillick........12XU

because......Phillies life is killing me, me, me, me, me, me.......Phillies life is killing me!

BloodStripes said...

Was it Chuckm who saw the Stooges the other night? How awesome. Are they using walking frames or still on their own two feet? Come down to Oz Stooges. Was listening to New Race the other day. Killer! Members of the Stooges, Radio Birdman, MC5. Too good!

I just wanna be a dog!

BloodStripes said...

Search and destroy!

GM-Carson said...

Wow, you're fired up today on some old school punk music...blast some Ramones to make it complete brotha!

GM-Carson said...

Kick out the jams!

BloodStripes said...

LOL!!! Shit yeah!

I'm affected......My brain is hanging upside down. I think I need some......Psycho therapy. If Hamels or the Phils dont get a win, I just might......wanna stiff some glue. Or maybe we should just......beat on the Fuqua. With a baseball bat oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, oh!

GM-Carson said...

BloodStripes- I think you just sparked the next WSBGM's song parody "Beat on the Fuqua"...thanks bro!

BloodStripes said...

No wucken furries mate!