Manger- Charles Fuqua Manuel
This is our skipper, our strategist, the one who has the final say...crap, better change the title of this post to "I'm fearful he's our leader". Good ol' Fuqua has been made fun of more than Jerry's Kids, and for good reason...he's a moron! I'm willing to concede he's a great guy and a good players' manager because they like him, but his in-game decisions drive me bonkers, and his bullpen management is like watching an Aborigine trying to work a computer. Despite the shortcomings of our head coach, the Phillies will still make the playoffs this season which may possibly lead to a generously gifted Manager of the Year award and a contract extension...this is the price of victory I suppose.
Hitting Coach- Milton Bernard Thompson
Milt has an easy job- "coaching" Utley and Howard how to hit...woah, tough! Milt has done a good job since taking over at the helm of hitting coach as he has helped the offense improve in runs scored, batting average, OPS, and actually cut down on their strikeouts. His major focus this season should be teaching Nunez the fundamentals of hitting, like- swing bat at ball. Maybe No-Hit can scrape out a .220 average this season...success!
Pitching Coach- Richard Peter Dubee Jr.
Lets revisit that name...Richard a.k.a. Dick and Peter a.k.a. Dick, so we got Junior Dick Dick Dubee sculpting our staff with the nuances of the art of pitching. And lets not forget that last name Dubee, or shall I say "doobie"...I know Benjah appreciates this guy. Personally, I think Jaime Moyer does a better job at coaching the pitchers, but Dubee does have a cool name.
Bullpen Coach- Ramon Gaspar Henderson
What does Ramon do besides answer the bullpen phone and tell a napping reliever to start warming up? Well, he has been the pitcher to the past two Homerun Derby Champions (Abreu & Howard), and he's good at holding relief pitchers captive at the request of Manuel...remember the plight of our Model Dictator Fabio Castro.
1st Base Coach- David Earl Lopes
Dude was a speed demon back in his day, and his job is to get Victorino to use his speed to its full potential. Rollins is a smart base theft, as he hardly ever gets caught, but he's not even the fastest player of the team, that would be the Flyin' Hawaiian. Vic used to swipe bases left and right in the minors, but that hasn't translated to the MLB level. Lopes needs to teach him the ins-and-outs of pick-off moves, good counts to run on, and all the other stuff that gave Lopes the upperhand when he was getting fidgety on the base paths back in his playing days. Hell, maybe even Pat Burrell will steal a base this season...nah.
3rd Base Coach- Steve Smith
Who the hell is Steve Smith?
Bench Coach- James Francis Williams
Jimy, that's with 1 m, has plenty of MLB managing experience and is the likely replacement for Manuel should this team get off to another dreadful start. This team is not going to falter out of the gate, so all of Manuel's r-tard relatives can breath a collective sigh of relief and get back to their cousin loving, Skoal packing, Old Milwaukee drinking, trailer park ways. Personally, I look forward to watching Jimy and Fuqua trying to have a conversation during the game. Picture this- Jimy's dentures almost are popping out while discussing strategy and Fuqua is giving that "I have an extra chromosome" look he's so famous for...priceless.
Catching Instructor- Michael Frederick Billmeyer
This guy does nothing, seriously nothing...I want his job!