Thursday, November 30, 2006

Blockbuster

Pat Gillick has been blowing up my pager all afternoon. I told him not to call when I'm working, but he said he had an urgent message. When I finally got the chance to speak to him he was down right giddy on the phone. I thought Rich Dubee may have passed along some of the "good stuff" to him, but he was happy because he'd pulled off the blockbuster of all deals. No, he didn't cut a deal with the Hall-of-Fame committee to allow Pete Rose his rightful spot in Cooperstown, he did one better...Manny Ramirez is going to be a member of the 2007 Philadelphia Phillies.

How the heck did Patty G get the Bosox to surrender Manny to us? Fact is Manny wore out his welcome in Beantown and Wonderboy Theo Epstein was desperate to rid the Red Sox of him, so he took the pest deal with MLB ready talent available, and that deal happened to be presented by none other than Sir Patrick Gillick. Pat Burrell, Flash Gordon, and Gio Gonzalez are going to Boston in return for Manny Ramirez straight up. Boston still has a productive LF in Burrell now, plus they got the closer they need in Flash, and a solid starting pitching prospect out of the deal. The Phillies get one of the best offensive forces in baseball over the past decade and will serve as amazing protection for bombardier Ryan Howard. Good stuff!

Gillick wasn't done creaming his pants yet, he still had more transactions to tell me about...good thing too, because I was worried about not having a closer of our own. He informed me that he traded Aaron Rowand and Ryan Madson to the other colored Sox of the American League for Big Boy Bobby Jenks...closer crisis averted. Sweet, so now we don't have to worry about Rowand committing fielding suicide and we have a kick-ass closer from the White Sox to boot.

Then something occurred to me...our outfield is now Manny, Vic, and Conine! Gillick gave me a chill-pill with the news that he signed Trot Nixon to a 2 year 14 million dollar contract with an option year for 2009. Then to put the cherry on top of this whole day, he added set-up man David Weathers for 2 years 6.25 million. So, in the end we obtained Manny Ramirez, Bobby Jenks, Trot Nixon, and David Weathers and lost Pat Burrell, Tom Gordon, Gio Gonzalez, Aaron Rowand, and Ryan Madson...I'll take my 2007 World Series ring now.

~Carson

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Tag Team Tuesdays: 1993 Tribute

Beards, bellies, and biceps sounds more like professional wrestling than major league baseball, but in '93 both worlds collided. The '93 Phillies were a bunch of fun loving, curse like a sailor, drink like a fish, and play with your hair on fire style team. Not only did the city of Philly fall in love with them, they managed to capture the adoration of the nation. The squad went 97-65 on the way to the World Series, I still remember it like it were yesterday. To pay tribute to this rowdy bunch I have decided to stray from my typical Tag Team Tuesday format so that I could include more than two players. I've decided to go with what the '93 Phils embodied...a Royal Rumble. *All the following wrestlers were participants in the WWF 1993 Royal Rumble...thanks Wikipedia.

Rotation: Curt Schilling was the co-ace of the staff, and because he was/is a pompous ass he will be "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair for this Royal Rumble. Despite Schill being a butt nugget, he did win 16 games to the tune of a 4.02 ERA, this was his coming out season, as he's pitched brilliantly since then. Danny Jackson was a crazy dude that used to like to pump up the team by ripping off his shirt and flexing Hulk Hogan style, Hogan wasn't in the WWF in '93. Therefore Jackson will be Ted Dibiase "The Million Dollar Man" because he was so "money" with his 12 wins and 3.77 ERA. The age-less wonder Terry Mulholland was actually relatively young in '93, as he was still holding on as a lefty specialist this past season in his 40's. Terry also had 12 wins with a rotation low 3.25 ERA, he's our Repo Man for this this match. Tommy Greene was the other co-ace of the staff and he is being dubbed Mr. Perfect because of his no-hitter. He turned in a solid season with 16 wins and a 3.42 ERA. The final member of the rotation was "Big" Ben Rivera and he will be represented by Tito Santana because of alike Hispanic heritage. Ben may have won 13 games, but that's more a testament of the offense than his ugly 5.02 ERA.

Bullpen: Mitch Williams delivered that ill-fated World Series Game 6 9th inning Joe Carter homerun ball, and therefore is deemed the Undertaker...and you thought it was because of their striking resemblance. We may have never reached the playoffs without good ol' Mitchie-pooh though, as he saved 43 games with 3.34 ERA. Current member of the Phils broadcast booth, Larry Andersen, was winding down his career but was most useful in '93 while pitching in 64 games with a 2.92 ERA, he's our Bob Backlund. Also appearing in this bout were Roger Mason (Irwin R. Schyster "I.R.S.") with 34 games pitched and a 4.89 ERA and David West (Max Moon) with 76 games logged and 2.92 ERA.

Catcher: Darren Daulton is going to be Owen Hart for two reasons. First reason, ladies loved Dutch (my mom included) as he was a "Hart throb". Second reason, Owen died in '99, and Daulton claims we'll all be dead by 2012. So now that we've established that Dutch is a nut-job, we can remember that he produced terrifically in '93 with 90 runs, 24 homers, 105 rbi, and an .874 OPS.

Infield: John Kruk was a fan favorite from the '93 team and he is depicted by the '93 Royal Rumble champion Yokozuna because of their distinct slim figures. Kruks stats weren't slim though, as he batted .316 with 100 runs, 14 homers, 85 rbi, and a .905 OPS. Also in the infield was 2nd baseman Mickey Morandini who didn't add much with that bat, but played wonderful defense at a .990 fielding % clip, he is our Terry Taylor of the match. Boy-wonder, Kevin Stocker was a god-send in '93 as he came in to man short-stop and batted .324 with an .826 OPS, and will play the part of Rick "the Model" Martel. Splitting time between 2nd and SS was Mariano Duncan, our Papa Shango, while producing 68 runs, 11 homers, 73 rbi and a .282 average. In the hot corner was the hot-headed psychopath Dave Hollins being referred to as Dr. Demento. Hollins did give the Phils some offensive punch from 3rd with 104 runs, 18 homers, 93 rbi, and an .814 OPS.

Outfield: Lenny Dykastra was the leader of the outfield, the offensive sparkplug, the most roided, and biggest dipper on the team. The Dude roamed center field for the Phils and scored 143 runs while hitting 19 homers, knocking in 66, batting .305 with a .902 OPS, and stealing 37 bases. Lenny is filling the role of the Macho Man Randy Savage..."snap into a Slim Jim!". The rest of the outfield spots were platoons, ones that Jim Fregosi managed perfectly. Left field was manned by current Phils hitting coach, Milt Thompson and Pete Incaviglia. Thompson played superb defense and is Typhoon, half of the tag team Natural Disasters. The other half of the tag team was Earthquake which is Inky who hit 24 homers along with 89 rbi with an .848 OPS. Right field was patrolled by my favorite Wes Chamberlain and Jim Eisenreich. Chamberlain hit 12 homers with an .823 OPS and is taking the place of Virgil for the rumble (both were huge muscular black dudes). Eisenreich had a little syndrome known as Tourette's and will be fondly portrayed by the Berzerker. Besides uncontrollably swearing, Jim could hit too, .318 average with an .808 OPS.

Others: The skipper of the '93 Phils was Jim Fregosi and he will be represented by Jerry "the King" Lawler. The Phils also had two important bench players that season in the form of Kim Batiste (Fatu) and Ricky Jordan (Samu). All in all this was a great group of guys that looked more like softball players that went bar hopping after games than an NL pennant winning team, but they were. I will always love the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies.

~Carson

Monday, November 27, 2006

Eaton to Phils

According to ESPN, Adam Eaton has finalized a deal with with Phillies for 3 years, $24 million with a mutual option for year four. Which makes sense, because Adam Eaton sucked last year...

Eaton, a former number one draft pick (11th overall) by the Phils in '96, has battled numerous arm problems throughout the years as well as the stigma of being traded for Andy Ashby. He has compiled a career record of 54-45 with a 4.40 ERA, while never posting a season ERA under 4.00, never pitching more than 200 innings, and never winning more than 11 games. On a positive note, Adam hasn't balked in over 3 years.

Randy Wolf opted for the smog and silicone breasts of L.A., Miguel Bautista is old and sucky, Ted Lilly is more costly and equally as injury prone, Kip Wells used to be good, Jason Schmidt won't come east, Barry Zito is too costly and the Phils won't swallow their pride and bring back that switch-hitting monster Vicente Padilla. Basically, pickins are slim. And Eaton is better than Floyd.
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On a side note, from the ESPN story: "Phillies GM Pat Gillick flew to Seattle over the weekend to get the deal done. He and Eaton met on Gillick's 38th wedding anniversary." - Okay, maybe once you get to year 38 you just don't care anymore but I can't believe that Mrs. Gillick was okay with this. Chances are this little stunt is going to cost Pat some "quality time" with the Mrs. And for Adam Eaton???? Might have been Gillicks worst trade yet...
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Dellucci to Indians
"Dude you're getting a" Dellucci signed a three year deal with the Mistake-by-the-Lake Indians worth $11.5 million. He joins former Phillie and former cop-puncher Jason Michaels in the Tribe outfield.

Corey

Call of the Year

Time to honor the men who make watching Phillies games so enjoyable, the announcers, with their own award: Call of the Year

Runner-up:
1) Larry Anderson for this exchange with Scott Graham on radio
Larry: Here comes Nunez to pop up.
Scott: You mean pop out of the dugout to pinch-hit.
Larry: No, I mean pop up.

2) Scott Graham for his Graham Slam Ice Cream commercial. Not actually a baseball "call," but along with the WB Mason and Cherry Hill Nissan commercials, became an integral part of any Phillies radio broadcast.

Winner:
Chris Wheeler
for his total disregard for the health and well-being of children.

"That girl is okay, it scared her more than anything." Are you serious Wheels? The girl got hit in the face with a catchers mitt, that might have hurt. Jeez, I can't believe he didn't add "walk it off" or "don't rub it, pussy" to his list of callous commentaries. I guess you can add "child advocate" to the list of titles Chris Wheeler owns, including experienced broadcaster, HOF nominee, and latent homosexual. I wish someone would walk up to Wheels, smack him in the face, and say "I think it scared you more than anything." Enjoy your trophy, child-hater.

Corey

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Bullpen Crisis Averted

I am a self-appointed general manager, and therefore I need to address the Phillies offseason questions. First and foremost, the bullpen woes. I have found the answer...an octopus. You may be thinking I've lost my mind, but please listen to my reasoning. An octopus has 8 tentacles, or as we humans like to call them...arms. Greg Harris was an ambidextrous pitcher, Randy Johnson is 6'10", Kent Tekulve scraped his knuckles on the mound as he delivered his pitches, and Steve Kline is a side-wheeling left-hander, but none of them combined could compete with Mr. Octo Pus. Our octopus would be able to pitch from all different angles (side, under, 3/4, and straight overhand) and both left and right handed, plus his release point would be scary close to the batter with his "go-go gadget" extending tentacles. Charlie Manuel wouldn't have to play favorable match-ups (as if he even knows how), because the octopus would be an all-purpose reliever. No need to thank me for this outstanding find.

Speaking of relievers that scrape their knuckles on the mound more than a guerilla, Chad Bradford comes to mind. His delivery is very difficult for right-handed hitters to pick up, and he's had a solid career at retiring them. He's a free agent, and he is my first choice to fill one of our bullpen voids. Other relievers on the Phils radar are David Weathers, Octavio Dotel, Joe Borowski, Danys Baez, Rollie Fingers, and Goose Gossage. Any of those would be fine with me as long as the money isn't Gary Matthews Jr. ridiculous (5years 50 million). Or we could just go with the Headcase Known as Gavin Floyd in the setup role.

Since we're inking an octopus to be our cure-all to or bullpen crisis, we might as well see if we can get Octopussy to be our 3rd base coach since Art Howe stuck around for all of 3 nanoseconds. Problem being, Bond would be competition for Burrell in the female acquaintances department.

~Carson

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Play of the Year

While Carson sorts through the rumors and misinformation that haunts the Hot Stove League like an ugly ex-girlfriend (why did you date her, anyway?), I'm going to shift my focus and do a "year in review" type thing. I'm going to offer up the best of best, from the Phillies, the Pirates, and the first 6 months of WSBGM's. All winners of these prestigious categories will receive a trophy like the one pictured to the right, being held (and kissed very lovingly) by Lesbian...errr,...Ladies PGA tour member Kristie Kerr. Today, the first award is handed out for:

Play of the Year

Runners-up:
1) Aaron Rowand smashing his grill in centerfield - "For who? My teammates. For what? To win." The greatest catch in Phillies history? Probably. But not enough to win Play of the Year.

2) Shane Victorino running over Paul LoDuca - more home plate collisions and bench-clearing brawls would be good for baseball. Violence in sports is down. Hockey players don't fight anymore, you can't lead with your helmet in football, and Jeff Van Gundy hardly ever bum-rushes the court and grabs Alonzo Mourning's leg these days. Baseball can secure some of the "violent sports" market by glorifying plays like this. I'm just doing my part.

3) Ryan Howard crushing a pitch 800 feet to centerfield - just think what would happen if Ryan Howard got to face Gavin Floyd in a game. Forget Asburn Alley, I think he could reach Darien St.

winner:
Sal Fasano and his fake throw to second - enjoy your trophy, Sal, you big dumb animal.


Corey

Friday, November 24, 2006

Black Phillies Phlashback Phriday

It's the day after Thanksgiving where most men are still recovering from a turkey hangover and women are up and shopping before the sun wakes up (but Walmart is 24 hours). Yep, Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year. If you're looking for a gift for your favorite blog author- I'm asking Santa for XM radio. Anyway, I want to honor this wonderful day in a special way...cue the sound of African tribal drums...Black Phriday, subject- my brothers from another mother.

Current Soul-jahs on the Phils are Rollins, Howard, Roberson, Flash, and Bourn...well represented, don't let the man keep you down! Past Phillies that brought the funky vibe to the City of Brotherly Love were Lenny Webster, Tony Longmire, Chuck McElroy, Arthur Rhodes, Wally Ritchie, Lonnie Smith, Charlie Hayes, Kim Batiste, Marvin Freeman, and the list goes on.

Dick Allen is Soul Brotha #1 in my book. He was the Phillies power hitting 3rd baseman back in the 60's before that no-talent whiteboy hack came to town, what was his name, oh yeah Mike Schmidt, what ever became of him anyway? Dick, hahaha I just typed dick, came back to the Phils later in his career as a 1st baseman. Allen may be inducted in to the Hall-of-Fame by the veteran's committee someday, as he ended his baseball years with 351 homers, 1,119 rbi, .292 avg., and a .912 OPS...solid stats for a player in the 60's/70's.

One of my favorite Phils of all-time was Wes Chamberlain. I can't explain why, but I always liked him. He never lived up to the promise that his bulging biceps and linebacker frame suggested, but he was a member of the adored '93 team and that's enough for me.

Our first post ever on WSBGM's featured Steve Jeltz. He wasn't good, he was actually quite bad. Yet, we idolize him because of that superific jheri curl...get down with yo bad self!

Wait, Wally Ritchie was white? Well, so is his sister Nicole, that damn Lionel loves the white women!

~Carson

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Give Thanks

It's that time of year again where Americans take a break from our regular fast pace, cut-throat, greedy ways to show gratitude for what we have. We have baseball, and that's enough to keep this man going. The Pilgrims and Indians (feather not dot) sat down for an extravagant feast centuries ago to give thanks for the plentiful blessings that they experienced day in day out. We still have plenty to be thankful for, and today I will give a brief glimpse of the cornucopia of things that I'm appreciative of.

I am thankful for the best 3rd baseman of all-time, Michael Jack Schmidt. His defense was superb, his bat was explosive, and his hair was fantastic...love the white dude afro. I'm glad Schmidt was playing when I was growing up because he helped cement my love for the Phillies. He also was a key member of the '80 World Series champions and '83 NL pennant teams. I love a good old fashioned right-handed slugger...ya hear that Burrell?!

How can you not be absolutely ecstatic about the career of Ryan Howard thus far? '05 Rookie of the Year, '06 Homerun Derby champion, '06 NL MVP, and 58 bombs last season...those are the makings of a hall-of-fame career. I truly hope Howard can continue to this path to greatness along with Utley, Rollins, Myers, and Hamels and get the Phillies back into October baseball.

Larry Andersen is quite the fire cracker. You never know what he might say, but what he does add in the booth is comedy, and I am grateful for that. Because the only comedy coming from Chris Wheeler is the fact that I'm normally laughing at my or Corey's jokes about him. Larry helps keep the telecasts enjoyable, because Kalas just isn't the same since Whitey past. Also, Andersen was a member of the '83 and '93 NL pennant teams and despite pitching for many teams in his career, he is loyal to the Phils. That pic is a Larry Andersen mask that was a minor league give-away...I want one!

John Kruk...my hero! In fact I named my fantasy baseball team this past season in honor of him, One-Nut-Kruks. He was a foul mouthed, beer swilling, tubby, tell-it-like-it-is player that made the '93 Phils such a lovable squad. I am thankful for Kruk and that '93 team, because that's the only playoffs I remember in my lifetime. By the way I strongly recommend this book to anyone, it was the best baseball book I ever read and it kept me laughing the entire time.

I am overjoyed that Ed "Nutsack Face" Wade is no longer our GM. He was nothing more than a corporal crotchticular cowboy that did his best to ruin the organization. I'm still skeptical of Pat Gillick as GM, and still pissed off that they didn't offer the job to Corey and me. But at least we don't have to suffer through any more Greg Jefferies, David Bell, Curt Schilling, or Scott Rolen type deals...wait what about Nunez and Abreu?

Bring back the powder blue uniforms! Everyone keeps blaming the starting pitching, the bullpen, Manuel, Burrell, George Bush, North Korea, Borat, but the real problem is the jersey color. Seen wearing the spoken of powder blue uniform in this picture is Joe Morgan. Yep that same pompous, self-righteous ass-clown that does ESPN broadcasts. Morgan was a Phillie in '83 only, and I am thankful for the mute button on my television so that I don't have to sit and listen to 9 innings of his droning about how the game has changed and the players today don't execute perfectly like he used to...shut up Joe Morgan!

Happy Turkey Day to all. Unless you're a commi-bastard vegetarian then happy Tofu Day.

~Carson

Monday, November 20, 2006

Suck It, Pujols !!!

MVP! MVP! Those chants, as cliched and overused as they are, were not chanted in vain by Phillies fans this year. (The "Playoff" chants, well, that's another story.) Today Ryan Howard (20 first place votes) got the nod for NL MVP over St. Louis slugger and notorious crack-head, Albert Pujols (12 votes.) Lance Berkman was the second loser.

Howard joins Phillies greats Mike Schmidt, Chuck Klein, and Jim Konstanty as previous winners.

Their will be plenty of arguement over this choice. Many will say that Pujols should have won it because his team made the playoffs or that no one else on his team had a good year (ie: he carried them.) But you can't argue about .313-58-149. And it's hard to ignore how he brought the Phillies back from a mid-summer's death to a fall playoff run. Sure, Pujols is good, but Howard had a little something extra this year. That little something that pushed him over the edge, just when the Phils needed it. Where Pujols' power stopped at ten, Howard's went to eleven.


Corey

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Goodbye Alfonso...

...and I'm not talking Alfonso Ribeiro, cousin Carlton on The Fresh Prince. No, I'm talking about the other Alfonso. ESPN and FoxSports is reporting Alfonso Soriano has signed an 8-year, $136 million dollar contract with the Chicago Cubs.

My math sucks, but that is about $17 mil per year. Okay, that is fine. But 8 years is a butt-load of years, especially given this assessment from ESPNInsider Keith Law, "Soriano will turn 31 in January, so he's close to the end of his peak offensive years, and it's hard to ignore his .316 OBP in the previous two seasons."

The Cubs have been some greedy little pimps this offseason. They are snatching up all the good "tricks." A-Ram, A-Sor, K-Wood...even M-DeRos. I bet Jim Hendry walks around the Winter Meetings with Lil Jon-esque pimp cup...

Given the contract data, it's pretty safe to say the Phils were never really in this race for Soriano. I can't picture a GM who disposed of Abreu and his "overwhelming," "crippling" salary for some magic beans shelling out 8 year worth of major cash for this guy. Never gonna happen.

In the end, this isn't that bad for the Phils. The didn't hinder their future with a potentiallyl debilatating contract. The Mets didn't get him. They still have money for pitching, which is what they need anyway.
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Off-Topic Sports
Hey, it's the offseason, I'm going to mix it up a little.

The Good - 1) UNC goes to 3-0 with 53 point beating of Gardner-Webb (apparently only Webb showed up for the game) 2) LaSalle wins their opener versus mighty Mt. St. Mary's

The Bad - 1) The Eagles vs. the Titans 2) The Packers vs. the Patriots

The Ugly - 1) Favre injured shoulder 2) McNabb injured knee

Corey

Slide Show

With nothing much new brewing on the Phillies and Pirates rumor front, I decided to go searching for some thought-provoking Phils and Buccos images. Sure we could speculate what Gillick will land in a deal involving Rowand, or what piece of rift-raft Littlefield signs next, but that's been played out. Therefore, I hope this slide show of pictures leaves you feeling all warm, tingly, and excited...much like your mother does for me.

Speaking of your mom, wouldn't she look good in this? But seriously, I think I found the key to the Pittsburgh Pirates resurrection...or erection in this case. Imagine this fine deckhand wench being the Buccos mascot instead of the fruity parrot. She would surely put more butts in the seats, creating more revenue so Littlefield can spend it on more washed-up has-beens like Derek Bell, Pat Mears, and Jeromy Burnitz...I smell playoffs!




Is that a picture of your dad when you took him to the CIT to celebrate Fathers Day? As Phillies fans I guess we can appear to be a slovenly bunch, but dammit we're passionate! As Pirates fans, well as the picture suggests, we're simply irate. Our dedication to the teams will pay off soon...I'm thinking a STATE showdown for the NL pennant in 2007.

Thanks for sending this photo of your sisters, they'll make outstanding ballgirls. I'm sure they're accustomed to handling balls, and if not I'm available for sessions. Ok, now I've nearly insulted your entire family...sorry about that. On a serious note, the Phillies ballgirls do a bang-up job! Just think of all the druken fans that would be spilling their $6 beers jumping outta the way if it weren't for them.

As if the Phillies didn't cause enough "heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, nausea, and diarrhea" by their play, they had to go market their own hot sauce. I like the new Pepto Bismol commercials, but wouldn't it be funnier if their slogan was "squash the squirts".

I guess the Phillies really lost a fan niche when David Bell was traded, as this special day was created for all of his steadfast fans. By the way, it's time he come clean to the public and tell everyone that he's of the same breed as N'Sync's Lance Bass and Doogie Howser M.D.'s Neil Patrick Harris.

Rubber ducky, you're the one. You make bath time lots of fun. Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you. Every day when I make my way to the tubby. I find a little fella who's cute and yellow and chubby. Rubber ducky, you're so fine. And I'm lucky that you're mine. Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of you. Rubber ducky, I'd like a whole pond of you.

~Carson