Bug Zapper

Still a measly half game out of the Wild Card lead! Phillies are doing exactly what they need to do, which is win and worry about the other teams later (Padres, Reds, and Marlins). In fact, the team that worries me most is the surging Marlins which the Phils still have 10 games left with. They need to take care of business today first, and a sweep is by all means necessary. I expect the Phillies to be bug-zapping the gNATS today. And before they leave town, they should do the common courtesy of cleaning up the ashes of the fallen pests so that they can be reassembled for another clean sweep later in the season.

Curb Your Enthusiasm:
*Weak- Howard failed to hit a homerun last night to top Schmidt on the single season Phillies list. How dare he not go deep every game? Loss of power and pressure are the excuses he's sure to use.
*Uno- Hamels sucked last night. If he can't pitch a shutout every night, what good is he to this team? Seriously, giving up 1 run to the Nationals is one run too much.
*2hole- Victorino is hitting well in the 2hole but not well enough. C'mon Flyin' Hawaiian, you should be batting 1.000 sandwiched between J-Roll and Utley!

~Carson

P.S. If you didn't pick up on the sarcasm...you're stupid!

Blame Canada!

Say "good-bye" to Scranton Wilkes-Barre after this year and "hello" to North of the Border. That's right, the Phils Triple A team will reside for one season in Ottawa, Canada. While a stadium is being readied for an Allentown home for the Lil' Phils in '08, they'll partake of some Molson and bacon in the '07 season. This is a very strategic plan by the Phillies owners and Pat Gillick. Why? Well, they can now easily put blame on Canada when the Phillies fail to make the post season yet again. Canada has produced fine people over the years Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Larry Walker, Jason Bay, Phils prospect Scott Mathieson, and of course the famous porn star Peter North. However, I'm sorry to report that our friendly neighbors to the North are player-hating bastards! That's right, they want to steal American's glory and become the powerhouse of the world...but enough with politics. Bottom line, Phils being summoned from Triple A next season to join the parent club will have a longer journey.

Wads of Bliss:
*#48- Howard is now tied with my main man Michael Jack Schmidt for the all-time Phillies single season homerun record...and still has about 30 games to go!
*.5- that's all the further the Phils are from tasting the Wild Card lead.
*Loss- thanks Ryan Franklin for allowing your new schmuck of a new the Reds to lose last night.
*Nunez- finally broke his 0-fer!

~Carson

P.S. I don't really hate Canada, the opportunity was just too perfect to pass up.

Blaster Master: Ryan Howard

Ryan Howard is a beast. The man is mammoth. He has now flexed his tremendous power 47 times on the season. Without him inserted into the middle of the Phillies lineup they would be nowhere near the Wild Card. All this talk about how an MVP should be on a club that makes the post-season is bogus. That hasn't been the precedent set forth in years past, so why should it change now? Hopefully the Phils can secure a playoff berth and put doubts to rest about whether Howard is worthy of the MVP or not. Don't get me wrong, others in the NL are having fine seasons, but none as fine as the Blaster Master. Beltran has tons of protection with Delgado and Wright batting behind him. Pujols is awesome, but he too has Rolen. What does Howard have?...Pat "3rd Strike Looking" Burrell.

Gone:
*ZERO- no more scoreless inning streak for our fearless leader Thee Model Dictator. I'm just praying that Manuel doesn't use 1 surrendered run as a way of saying "Told you he shouldn't pitch more".
*Hits- Abe "No Hit" Nunez is back in full effect. My man is now 0-18 over the past handful of games, dropping his average to .189.
*+.500- Phils are now dead smack on the level of mediocrity at 65-65. For a few games they were hovering above .500 land, but since have returned.

~Carson

Idle Wild

Although the Phillies were rained out yesterday (idle) against the Mets, they still managed to pick up a half game in the Wild Card standings. This playoff picture in the NL is just as murky as ever. Baseball Minds in media around the Nation keep saying how inferior the NL is opposed to the AL. American League baseball bores me...screw the DH! The National League is going to stay highly contested until the bitter end, which makes for better baseball in my opinion.

Now, back to the Phillies...the way I look at this team now is so different from just a short month ago. Players have left, players have arrived. Bottom line, this team is keeping me interested. Ryan Howard is the NL's MVP as of today. The rotation went from huge question mark to now respectable. The bench was shabby, but now we've added Jeff "innate" Conine. A few weeks from now when the hypothetical playoff tickets go on sale, I'll once again get the credit card out and have them set aside (just like last season, to be devastatingly heart broken on the final day). So my query for Monday is, how caught up in the push for the NL Wild Card are you? I'm addicted, and as BloodStripes so eloquently put "Take another hit from the blog".

~Carson

Land Down Under

Phils come from a land down under,
Where runners score makes playoff wonder,
Can't ya hear, Can't ya hear Howard's thunder,
Pitchers better run, better take cover!

The Phillies certainly are coming from a "land down under" in their pursuit of the Wild Card. They continue to stay in the thick of it, but also continue to frustrate the hell out of me along the way...why ever would this change?!

Men at Work:
*Nunez- after peaking at .206, Abe has gone 0 for his last 15 to drop back down to .192, abysmal!
*Manuel- after doing some smart managerial moves in the Cubs series with the bullpen he totally blew last night! We now have two non-veterans (Matt "Generic Name" Smith and Thee Model Dictator) with far better ERA's than any of the "tried and proven". Although I beg to differ that White, Madson, Rhodes, and Fultz have "proven" to be much more than mediocre. I know conventional wisdom of baseball past says go with what you know, but it's time Fabio Castro get the chance more often!
*Corey&Carson- we are addicted to this blog. I'm starting to think this is my actual job. We're like comical geniuses up in here, much along the lines of Beavis and Butthead. Me being Beavis because of my excitability and after all I am the "Great Cornholio". Corey being Butthead, the name says it all, plus he holds asinine wisdom! BloodStripes, who is now an honorary member of WSBGM's can be Stewart (although we treat him better).


~Carson

Irresistible Force Meets An Immovable Object

vs.

Don't miss this epic battle. Not since David met Goliath, or Tyson met Holyfield or Cory Matthews met Harley (you know, when Harley tried to get Sean to hit Mr. Turner's bike with a baseball bat) have we seen powers like this collide.

Oliver Perez takes his best skills - giving up lots of walks, hits, and runs; losing 8 mph of his fastball in 4 months; wearing Randall Simon-esque neck jewelry; and being a total jackass to everyone on his team - and matches them up tonight against Jose Hernandez and his best attributes - striking out; and convincing 9 teams to pay him to strike out.

Don't miss this one.

Corey

Model Dictator-ville

I did Ricky Bottalico to Paul Simon, and Charlie Manuel to Queen, now it's time for Fabio Castro, as sung by Jimmy Buffet.



Sittin in the bullpen
Watchin the Phils win
Knowing the pen will give up the lead
Tossin a baseball
Against a brick wall
They act like pitching isn't a need

Wastin away again with Ramon Henderson
Waiting for my scoreless streak to hault
Some people claim that theres a GM to blame
But I know its Charlie Manuel's fault

I don't know the reason
Haven't pitched much this season
Nothin to show but this low ERA
It's close to zero
I'm this blogs hero
We're down ten so I might pitch today

Wastin away again with Ramon Henderson
Waiting for my scoreless streak to hault
Some people claim that theres a woman to blame
Now I think, hell it could be my fault

Tom blew out his shoulder
Arthur is older
Rheal had 'riods had to head on home
Still I won't be heading
Back down to Reading
This major league paycheck helps me hang on

Wastin away again with Ramon Henderson
Waiting for my scoreless streak to hault
Some people claim that theres a GM to blame
But I know its Charlie Manuel's fault



The legend of the Model Dictator grows.

Corey

Who But J. L.

"I want my Crispy Cream"

That's right, the donut eater goes for the Phils again tonight. He's won two of his last three starts, including the CG shutout. But beware, he gave up 11 hits versus the Cubs five days ago.

Tom Glavine and his occluded vasculature goes for the Mets tonight. As Method Man would say, "What the blood clot."

Prediction: Pat Burrell puts a Glavine changeup into the left field bullpen...but it's not enough as the Donut Eater gets glazed. Phils lose this one.
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Randy Wolf
We here at WSBGM's are not wrong about much. At least, we don't admit it. But here is another thing we called with absolute inaccuracy: Randy Wolf. I didn't think he would contribute anything to this team except eating meaningless September innings while auditioning for other teams. Instead, he's 3-0. Despite his less than mediocre ERA of 5.58, he's show steady improvement and Lidle-like consistency in 3 of his last 4 starts. The question now becomes, what will happen to Wolfy next year? He's making $9 million this year, and given his age, injury history, and 68-60 career record, how much could he make? I would not mind seeing him come back to the Phils next year. He's a Phillies lifer, drafted in the 2nd round in 1997, maybe a "hometeam discount" could be in the works.
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Geoff Geary
In honor of Geoff Geary's first career save, I'm going to re-post my favorite picture of him, hangin with Burrell, Utlely and some ladies. Go get some Gas Can. Yaaah!!!


Corey

Back in the high life again

I wake up this glorious Saturday morning with a smile on my face, hope in my heart, and determination in my mind. The Phils are making believers of the heart broken, downtrodden, skeptics of the Phillies fanbase (I am one of those). I still don't know if the Wild Card is going to be in Philly at seasons end, but I know that I'm enjoying the baseball that's being played right now. I "threw in the towel" on this season months ago, and never in my life would I love to be proven wrong more than right now. So Phils fans, take pleasure in the fact that the games still mean something and that this club didn't just roll over and play dead, rather chose to stick it out and be competitive.

About Time:
*Howard- It's about time the media starts hyping Ryan Howard up for MVP of the NL. His season right now is absolutely berserk!
*Sanches- It was about time he was shipped back to Scranton and another fellow ZERO ERA guy be called up in the form of Matt Smith.
*Geary- It's about time that we all recognize him for being consistent this entire season. He's not automatic by any means, but he's solid and you need pitchers like him in the bullpen.
*Manuel- It will be well past time when Manuel decides to slug an umpire for making repeatedly poor calls that screw the Phils! Last night Chavez bunted the ball into himself (out), and Reyes was caught stealing at 2nd (out), but the umps blew both calls.

~Carson

P.S. BloodStripes- if you do not own that Pennywise album, you are missing out of life brotha! It's my favorite punk album from start to finish!

Phillies Phlashback Phridays: Norm Charlton

Yet another delve into yesteryear, this time leading us to Norm "Knothead" Charlton. Knothead was a term of endearment bestowed upon Norm by my father for his propensity to take line drives off of his forehead. Although he only pitched half the '95 season in Philly with a nasty 7.36 ERA, he left an impression on my father and I, by leaving an impression of a baseball on his dome. Speaking of nasty, he was a member of the Nasty Boys of Cincinnati in the early 90's, with Rob Dibble and Randy Myers. Too bad he didn't save any of that filthy pitching repertoire for his Phils days.

Morsels:
*Legend & Lore continued- I don't give a hairy monkey's nipple if Fabio "Model Dictator" Castro is pitching when 89 runs up or down, 17.1 scoreless innings to start his Phillies tenure gives him legend status in my book. It's time Manuel gave him the opportunity to pitch in a pressure situation.
*Memo- Cole Hamels was left out of the loop in the clubhouse by not receiving the note stating that Phillies pitchers are no longer pitching ghastly. (I feel like Simon Cowell saying that word).
*Bounce Back- the Phillies need to forget about that unsightly loss and move on.

"Nasty, nasty boys. Don't mean a thing. Oh you nasty boys!"

*Why is it that Janet always seems to be needing a hand?

~Carson

Blowouts Suck

The Phillies got blown out by the Cubs today. The way I see it, we have three choices as to what to do: 1)Look on the bright side 2)Distract ourselves with something else and pretend today never happened 3)Make fun of David Bell 4)Get completely hammered. I'll help you with numbers 1 through 3. Here goes.
--------------------------------
Model Dictator
3 more inning of scoreless baseball. Orel Hershiser better watch his back, the Dictator is coming for your scoreless innings streak. And at the rate he pitches, he might get there before it is time to retire. Might.
--------------------------------
Distraction
Couple things I want to mention here:
1. I'm freakin' sick of Turkey Hill Graham Slam Ice Cream. Every commercial break of a Phillies radio broadcast I have to listen to that Radio-DJ-WannaBe Scott Graham read fake letters about how great his stupid ice cream is. Enough. I want more Cherry Hill Nissan commercials. The friendly Nissan Giant should kick Scott Graham's ass and take his ice cream.
2. When are we going to see the powder blue uniforms make an appearance. It's been way to long. Look how good it made Von Hayes look. Just think what it could do for Rick White.
--------------------------------
David Bell Hating
I still dislike David Bell, and calling him names makes me feel better about myself. Look at the hair on this fairy-stepping fruit. (By the way, H-Mo Bell's wife is attractive, which really makes me mad.)

--------------------------------
As for item number four, you guys are on your own. I know what I'm heading for...

Corey

Minor Threat

Not all wins are created equal, as evident by last night's 2-1 victory over the Cubbies. Myers looked hideous for the first handful of batters, opening up and throwing everything high and to the right. Then all of sudden he was ON! I don't know about the rest of you, but Myers is one of my favorite pitchers to watch when he's on, because he reminds me a big ol' right-handed power pitcher from back in the day. Last night's win also featured yet another yackem-jackem by the Mammoth himself, Ryan Howard. And to top it off, Joe Thurston, a name mentioned months ago on here, got a crucial pinch-hit in the 9th in his Phillies debut.

BloodStripes- the theme of this blog is a dedication to you my man! For being a loyal reader, commenter, punk fan, and now fellow Oracle with the predicted Howard homer.

Besides Chase Utley and Ryan Howard, the Phils are a collection of minor threats.

Minor Threats:
*Bullpen- Geary, Sanches, Fultz, Castro, Beard, Rhodes, and Madson are not very intimidating alone, but mix-n-match them strategically, and you have yourself a suitable relief core.
*J-Roll- manages to get himself out enough to keep his name out of elite short stops, but look at his numbers and tell me he isn't one of the best.
*Rotation- Hamels, Moyer, Lieber, Wolf, and Myers can all dominate on any give day, but at their perspective points in their careers don't really scare anyone, but don't look now...the Phils rotation is 5 strong.
*Outfield- Dellucci, Burrell, and Victorino each have their own style of play, and really are not all that opposing, but together they are succeeding.
*Catcher- Lieberthal and Coste are actually hitting fairly well from the catcher position and more importantly throwing runners out...ever Lieby.
*So can a bunch of minor threats be a major menace to the rest of the league?

~Carson

No Fear!

It's back to the real world today for me. That's right Mr. Carson Drama Queen is going back to school to teach all the little kiddies how to grow up and prosper. Meanwhile Dr. Corey Stubborn-and-Blind is doing residency keeping Central PA healthy. But have NO FEAR, I have my priorities straight and will continue blogging daily for your and most importantly my pleasure.

Droppings:
*Embrace the Beard- Rick White might seriously be capable of pitching every game. I hated this pickup at first, but he's turning out to be a staff saver and is performing above expectations.
*Jose "K" Hernandez- this isn't the best trade in the world, but it's better than nothing. He is versatile (almost any position) and right-handed. He didn't cost the Phils a prospect either (only $)...so if we're basically using him for pinch-hitting and an occasional start, I'm all for it.
*Myers- he needs to bounce back from his recent struggles and show that the Phillies rotation is now 5 strong.
*Moyer- I used to hate watching this guy pitch against the Phils, now I love it! He nibbles and throws slow and slower...I have bowel movements faster, so I know it's gotta be frustrating for opposing batters.
*Utley- that "rubberneck" worthy collision already cost the Phils Rowand, and it might cost them Chase for a few games now too...get well soon!

~Carson

Are We There Yet?

A win is a win...ugly as it may have been. Ugly may not be the word, because that Rowand/Utley collision was gruesome, and Rhodes closing was repulsive...but remember a WIN is a WIN! There were positives in the game last night: #1 The Phillies are finally at .500. #2 That Donut-Eatin'-Summabitch Lieber continues his resurgence (4 quality starts in a row). #3 Nunez is finally dead smack sitting on the Mendoza line...go get 'em tonight Abe! #4 Utley and Rollins are making a case for best middle infield in the NL. #5 Burrell had a great game last night all-around, batting, running the bases, and fielding...didn't think we'd be mentioning the last two did ya? #6 The Phils are trying to leap frog their way into the front of the Wild Card pack...keep going boys!

Worries:
*Flash Gordon was just put on the DL retroactive to August 13. As mentioned above Rhodes is not very good at closing, in fact good shouldn't even be mentioned in regards to that situation.
*Bench- Sandoval and Roberson are bad. At least Roberson has speed and is useful as a pinch-runner for Burrell. However, they have absolutely no pinch-hit value, batting .136 and .179...ouch! We need a pinch hitter pronto!
*Rowand- that collision last night thankfully did not cost the Phils Utley, but it may land Rowand on the DL or at least have him out of the lineup for an extended period of time. Although, Rowand isn't great at the plate, he's the best option we have because an OF of Burrell, Victorino, and Dellucci makes the bench all the weaker.

~Carson

P.S. So the question remains...are we there yet?

Why Not?

Question of the day: Can the Phillies actually win the NL Wild Card?
Answer: Why Not?!
Now, I know I answered the question with a question, but honestly that is the best way to riposte. As of today, the NL Wild Card shakes down like this...Cincy, S.D., 'zona, and Philly. That's right, at a record of 61-62 the Phils are only 2.5 back of the Wild Card and just got a bit stronger in the rotation. The Phils traded for a 43-year-old left-hander in Jamie Moyer. He's better than Scott Mathieson, which looks to be heading to the bullpen...we all knew it! Moyer's record is 6-12 this season, but he has the 2nd lowest run support in MLB. He's been pretty consistent over the years for the M's, and now hopefully comes to Philly to add a stabilizing force to the rotation so that we have 5 decent starting pitchers down the stretch run. Caution- Moyer's post-All-Star ERA 7.15, Home ERA (SafeCo) 3.80, and Road 5.29...let's hope Moyer is a bit rejuvenated by coming back to his home state of PA and back in the thick of a Wild Card race.

Nuggets of Joy:
*Lieberthal- I've been extremely harsh on him over the years, and would continue to be if not for his new role on the team. He's no longer the starter, and all of a sudden I don't mind him. In fact, I like him as a backup catcher, he's hitting better and playing better defense now that he's only starting about 3 times a week. I still want to see a Ruiz/Coste backstop next season, but for now Lieby is playing out his final games in Philly with class and production.
*Legend & Lore- Fabio "Model Dictator" Castro now up to 14.1 IP of ZERO run baseball for the Phils!
*Nunez- now batting a whopping .198...still don't like him, but I am rooting my ass off for him to break the Mendoza line.
*Howard- 43 homeruns...holy shittah!
*.500- finally, tonight against the Cubbies.

~Carson

The Phillies Hate Us

Dictators and Bi-Pitchers
The Dictator has now pitched 10.1 innings with the Phils without yielding a run. He hasn't given up an earned run since June 18th. Yet, he's only pithed seven times in the last seven weeks. I haven't seen underappreciation like this since Greg Harris went ambidextrious. Like a drunk girl with low self-esteem at a frat party, Harris went both ways versus the Cincinnatti Reds in 1995. The man had a specially designed glove that allowed him to switch back-and-forth, for God's sake! What's worse is that Harris had a 2.36 ERA with the Phillies in 1988 and instead of allowing him to show off his freakish talents in the City of Brotherly Love, they released him 1989. Of course, no Phillies team in the late 80's early 90's had much use for a versitile pitcher with a career 3.69 ERA. Kind of like a useless 21 year old lefty with a 1.66 ERA and a two month scoreless streak...
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For The Ladies
Here is your monthly Tom Gorzelanny picture. What can I say, sex sells.
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First Round Picks
Kyle Drabek, the first round pick of the Phillies,is obviously really good. So far with the GCL Phillies, in a league full of undrafted high school kids and 16 year old Dominicans, Drabek has gone 1-3 with a 7.71 REA including 33 hits, 14 K's and 11 BB in 23 innings.
Brad Lincoln, the first round pic of the Buccos, is not doing much better. He's 1-2 with a 6.75 ERA. At least he's pitching in the South Atlantic League...of course, he is 3 years older.
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Tonight's Games
Cole Hamels has thrown 21 innings and given up 2 earned runs in his last 3 starts. Opposing pitcher Ramon Ortiz gave up seven in his last start, which means he'll probably shut out the Phillies. It's a day game, so Burrell likely won't be that hungover.
In Cincinnatti, Paul Maholm takes the hill against our old friend Eric Milton. Both ahve pitched well lately. Lots of righties on the Buccos, lots fo lefties on the Reds. Advantage Buccos.
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The Wild Card Chase


Corey

Danger!

As Phillies fans we should be used to getting our hearts broken. Hell, if I had to write a love song, its title would be Breakin' My Heart 162 Times a Year. Right now many of us see the NL Wild Card right before our eyes for the taking, but it almost seems like the Phils don't want to seize the opportunity...rather tease. There are dangerous times ahead my friends during the next few weeks. Phils will stay within pissing distance of the Wild Card to piss it all away in the end. I don't mean to set a melancholy mood, because not all is lost. There still is a glimmer of hope, but it's quickly fading with every passing game/opportunity.

Ok, now that everyone is thoroughly depressed, I want to lift some spirits. I found this picture of a Phillies Mr. Potatohead. The coolest thing about it is its diversity. I had no idea the amount of culturally/ethnic diversity in the Spud Kingdom. Ruben Amaro Jr. would do well to take some sensitivity training from toy makers at Matel.

~Carson

Phillies Phlashback Phridays: Noles & Thon (Dickies)

Welcome to another edition of Phillies Phlashback Phridays. The players I've chosen for this week are real Dicks...Dickies that is. Dickie "Grassy" Noles and Dickie "Mara" Thon actually played together on the Phils '90 team. Noles only pitched 1 game that season, in which would be his last...thank goodness! Noles began and ended his lackluster career as a Phillie, also pitching for them from 78-81. Thon on the other hand, put in 3 solid seasons at shortstop for the Phils from 89-91. He even clubbed 15 homeruns in '89, which was a lot for a SS back then. So, on this fine Friday in mid-August I would like everyone to reminisce on our two lovely Dickies that graced Veteran's Stadium. *Danny Cox didn't join the Phillies until '91. That's a damn shame too, imagine the possibilities with 2 Dickies and 1 Cox on a team!

Tidbits:
*Buccos have a weekend series against the Reds. This is why as a diehard Phillies fan, I am an ally with the Pirates.
*Prophet- I predicted a solid outing by Lieber 2 days ago and Howard's 42 homerun yesterday...you may now address me as Oracle Carson.
*Boo- I am all for booing players when they deserve it, and as much as I like Pat Burrell...he deserves it.
*Nats- their offense looks bad, their pitching staff looks bad...this usually means that they'll pitch lights-out versus the Phils and put up 8 runs a game.

~Carson

P.S. How's our boy Model Dictator doing?

Break on through...

It's time the Phils break on through to the other side. The other side of .500 that is. As of today, their record stands at 59-60...about as middle-of-the-road as you can get. Since the Trade Deadline, Purge, Salary Dump, Awakening, or whatever you want to refer to that time as, the Phils have started to make believers out of their beleaguered fanbase. This may all end up being some colossal tease, but I for one am enjoying it. I'm just glad the games still mean something at this juncture. With that said, I will not fully jump on the Wild Card bandwagon until the Phils reach .500 then break that barrier for good for the season.

I believe in giving credit where credit is due. For example, the Safety Dance is the best song of all time! Around the Phillies blogsphere many have been referring to Jon Lieber as a fat, slobbish, donut-eatin'-Sunnabitch. Well, if he's fat, so am I, because we're pretty much the same size. And if he's chowing down on some pastries, I can commiserate...I have a soft spot for the sweets too, I believe they call them man-boobs. Over his last 3 starts, Lieber has pitched 24 innings and given up 3 earned runs...pretty damn good!

Legal Matters:
*Bribe- the Philadelphia police department and MLB front office are spearheading an investigation into the alleged bribing of opposing pitchers that face Abe Nunez. My gut feeling...he's guilty!
*Shoulders- Aaron Rowand has filed a missing persons report on his vanished shoulders. Hey, Aaron, I bet your neck ate them!
*Discrimination- Brian Sanches has complained to the Phillies brass that Ruben Amaro Jr. has been teasing him calling him "fake-o" and "poser", because of his lack of "z" on his name. Discrimination has no place in the world today, come Amaro, get with the times!

~Carson

Teaching Others To Suck

Settle down Carson, this is not a Sky Lopez tribute column. I'm talking about hitting, or the lack thereof, or the teaching of the lack thereof...? Anyways, baseball careers can be fleeting, so these guys have to have a plan. The Dude owns carwashes. The Wild Thing owns a bowling alley. Darren Daulton is crazy. Well, one good plan, if you are a sucky hitter (I'm looking at you Abe Nunez), is to become a hitting coach. Here is a short list of a few of my favorite former Phis and Bucs, with the team that they are/were the hitting coach for:

Rob Ducey - Harrisburg Senators, Staten Island Yankees - in a quote from the NY Daily News, Ducey had this to say about hitting, "[the players] have to understand that hitting is difficult, and that they may not be successful." Great motivation, Douchey.
Rich Schu - South Bend Silver Hawks - lifetime .246 hitter. Of course, he did have a stellar career with the Nippon HamFighters. Apparently spent most of his time teaching the players how to grow a mustache while in South Bend, so he didn't last very long.
Jeff Manto - Pittsburgh Pirates - Manto played with 8 teams during his 10 year career, but not very well with any of them. He has a .230 lifetime average. That and the fact that he went to Temple makes him a total loser, and at the same time extremely qualified to be the hitting coach of the Pirates.

I'm sure this list could be expanded, but this is all I could come up with offhand. I know Don Slaught and Greg Gross were/are hitting instructors, but they didn't suck enough to make the list.

Corey

Planet of the Apes

What is going on in the City of Brotherly Love? It appears to me that the Phils have taken offense to all the Mets fans showing up in their home park, and have been beating the hell out them since arrival. The Phillies offense has gone apeshit! Just when the fanbase started to doubt whether this team was actually better or not, they rise to the occasion and start knocking the crap out of the ball and opposing pitchers (Pedro & Orlando).

Since the trade deadline and the departure of Sir Walks Alot, the Phillies offense has catapulted from 4th in the league to now #1 after last night's bombardment of runs. If not for some faulty starting pitching and bullpen meltdowns, the Phils would actually lead in the hunt for the Wild Card. As of today, they are still on the outside looking in at 2.5 games back on Cincy. So, to me the Wild Card remains a possibility because the starting pitching is slowly getting better with Hamels continuing progression, Wolf's return to health, Lieber pitching more like his old self rather than the Dunkin Donuts spokesman, and Myers being Myers. That's 4 starters that will at least give you a chance to win. Mathieson is still learning, and the Phils are still learning about him...as he may be best suited for a relief role. The bullpen needs Flash to get healthy and Rhodes to keep pitching pissed off! The offense needs to keep going out there and putting up 5 to 6 runs a game, and all may end up being well in Phillyville.

More Ape$h!t:
*I'm not going to bash Bobby Abreu for his approach to hitting, I'm just going to say it obviously did not mesh with what the Phils offense is built upon...aggressiveness. David "Dude I'm getting a" Dellucci has played above expectations and has outperformed Abreu and fits in better with the Phils current hackers.
*Jimmy "Super Fly Snuka" Rollins is the accelerator of this offense. When he's on, the offense is on, and vice versa.
*Randy "Howling" Wolf likes to swing the bat, and I love pitchers who aren't afraid to try and get a hit or work a walk for themselves.
*Shane "Flyin' Hawaiian" Victorino is fun to watch. His style of play fits in beautifully with the New Look Phillies. I love watching him run around the bases!

~Carson