There's a butt-load of things I would like for Christmas, but I doubt anybody buys me a Kiss pinball machine, 1980 Firebird, or that life-size Barbie doll, so I'll simply focus on my Phillies Christmas list. I'll even go as far as to sit on Phanta Claus' lap...oh you naughty Phanatic.
As I feel an uncomfortable nudge while on Phanatic's lap, I wish for Pat Burrell to be physically and mentally mended. His wrist and foot ailed him all last season, so being healthy would go a long way towards getting him back to 30+ homeruns and 100+ rbi. Fans like our buddy Los have booed the crap out of him, so he could use a brain break, which I'm sure could be accomplished through a can of Skoal, some Rolling Rock, and a stripper.
Since I'm in the demanding mood, I want that ass-hat of a manager canned. I know Manuel will only be fired if the Phils get off to a crappy start yet again, so I don't really want to see him go. But deep down in my heart I want Charlie to get the heck outta Dodge...or Philly, whatever.
I want some bullpen help. I want a setup man, not Ryan Madson. I want a lefty, a righty, and another righty, and another righty, and...you get the point. The rotation is much improved, but our relief sucks! If Goose Gossage is available...sign him. Oil Can Boyd- sign him. Steve Howe- dig up his corpse and inject some crack into him and he'll be good to go.
I want the pompous a-holes from PhilliesPhans to come out of the closet and admit they do indeed live in their mothers' basements, drink Tang, listen to 8-tracks of Engelbert Humperdink, strategize about methods to solving a Rubik's Cube, playing Dungeons and Dragons, all while spanking the monkey to baseball stats.
I'd love for the Phillies to make a return to the postseason in 2007. I was 13 years old the last time they were there and I was being bothered by a thing called puberty (Corey just entered this stage of his life last week). I'm heading towards 30 now, so are the playoffs really too much to ask? I think Gillick is making some good moves in order to give the team a great opportunity to compete, and with some more tinkering I believe this item on my list may just be fulfilled.
Santa can stuff my stocking with some nifty knick-knacks like a set of Phillies bobbleheads, season tickets, banishment of Chris Wheeler from the booth, a Mike Schmidt autograph, a Ryan Howard homerun ball, and the return of Soul Brotha #1- Steve Jeltz.
Rudolph and crew would be kind to deliver the Phils a winning April. Consecutive 10-14 Aprils have doomed us the past 2 seasons. The old adage "you can't win a pennant in April, but you can lose one" is frustratingly true. In 2007 the Phillies are coming out of the gates guns blazing like the crowd at the BET Awards.
We've been busting on the Phanatic a lot on here recently. Truth is we love him though- he is our hero, he's our boy, he's our 2nd favorite great big green friend (the Jolly Green Giant is 1st...sorry). Therefore, I wish the Phanatic a speedy recovery from his bout with alcoholism. And when it's all said and done, I'll buy him a pint of Guinness. Ok, that was just wrong of me, but funny nonetheless!
In all seriousness, on top of my Christmas list this year is the return of David Bell to the Phillies. He has beautiful flowing hair, a great arm, wonderful range, a powerful stroke, tremendous clubhouse leader, and not to mention he does all the little things right. By the way he is so totally NOT gay. Ok, now take everything you just read and make it completely the opposite and that's how I really feel about David Bell.
Hope you enjoyed my Phillies Christmas list, and I encourage you to add your own wishes in the comments section. Happy Holidays!