Pat Gillick openly expressed his man-love for Alfonso Soriano, but ultimately fell short during the courting process as he signed with the slut-bag Cubbies. He made mention of Carlos Lee, but alas Lee is now launching rockets and milking bulls (yes, I know that's not really possible) in Texas. Patty G even flirted with Joe Borowski, Justin Speier, David Weathers, Ghandi, King Tut, an octopus, and even the 40 Thieves but failed to land any of them despite his efforts. One name that hasn't been seductively whispered by Gillick is Barry Zito, and that's precisely why the Phillies are going to sign him.
The Phils have a butt-load of cash to spend due to Abreu, Wolf, Rhodes, and Lieberthal being taken off the books. Eaton's salary essentially takes the place of Wolf's. Now, some of the current Phils are due for raises, but the payroll is still well below last season's as of today, hence Barry Zito. Zito is going to get somewhere in the neighborhood of 5-6 years 80-100 million. We were going to spend that on Soriano, so why not Zito instead? Don't worry about Gillick's nonchalant mack-daddy style with Zito, because that's exactly what Zito is. He's laid back, chilly-chill, pimp a hot lady (dated Alyssa Milano), strum on the guitar (played with Chris Isaak), and catch some waves with his buddy Eric Byrnes, so therefore he doesn't need the lavish gifts like fancy dinners, limos, diamond studded dog collars, and beef jerky laid out before him in order to get him to sign. He just wants somebody who is real to say, "Yo Zito, I got ya back bro, sign the line here"...and badda-bing Barry Zito is a Phillie. Trust me it's gonna happen.
Some of you probably are thinking I'm crazy to think the Phils have a shot at getting Zito, and some of you think I'm crazy for spending that kind of money on a pitcher that isn't named Johan Santana. Well, think of it this way, we'll be stacked in the rotation with Zito, Myers, Hamels, Moyer, and Eaton. That's right, that donut-eatin-sunna-bitch Lieber would then become trade bait, and he could reel us in something tasty. And Zito pitched exclusively in the hitter friendly AL to the tune of a career 102-63 record with a 3.55 ERA and 1.25 WHIP...I'll take that.
As Tony would say from Who's the Boss?, "Samantha!"