Monday, December 04, 2006

Did you say Barry Zito?

Pat Gillick openly expressed his man-love for Alfonso Soriano, but ultimately fell short during the courting process as he signed with the slut-bag Cubbies. He made mention of Carlos Lee, but alas Lee is now launching rockets and milking bulls (yes, I know that's not really possible) in Texas. Patty G even flirted with Joe Borowski, Justin Speier, David Weathers, Ghandi, King Tut, an octopus, and even the 40 Thieves but failed to land any of them despite his efforts. One name that hasn't been seductively whispered by Gillick is Barry Zito, and that's precisely why the Phillies are going to sign him.

The Phils have a butt-load of cash to spend due to Abreu, Wolf, Rhodes, and Lieberthal being taken off the books. Eaton's salary essentially takes the place of Wolf's. Now, some of the current Phils are due for raises, but the payroll is still well below last season's as of today, hence Barry Zito. Zito is going to get somewhere in the neighborhood of 5-6 years 80-100 million. We were going to spend that on Soriano, so why not Zito instead? Don't worry about Gillick's nonchalant mack-daddy style with Zito, because that's exactly what Zito is. He's laid back, chilly-chill, pimp a hot lady (dated Alyssa Milano), strum on the guitar (played with Chris Isaak), and catch some waves with his buddy Eric Byrnes, so therefore he doesn't need the lavish gifts like fancy dinners, limos, diamond studded dog collars, and beef jerky laid out before him in order to get him to sign. He just wants somebody who is real to say, "Yo Zito, I got ya back bro, sign the line here"...and badda-bing Barry Zito is a Phillie. Trust me it's gonna happen.

Some of you probably are thinking I'm crazy to think the Phils have a shot at getting Zito, and some of you think I'm crazy for spending that kind of money on a pitcher that isn't named Johan Santana. Well, think of it this way, we'll be stacked in the rotation with Zito, Myers, Hamels, Moyer, and Eaton. That's right, that donut-eatin-sunna-bitch Lieber would then become trade bait, and he could reel us in something tasty. And Zito pitched exclusively in the hitter friendly AL to the tune of a career 102-63 record with a 3.55 ERA and 1.25 WHIP...I'll take that.

As Tony would say from Who's the Boss?, "Samantha!"



GM-Carson said...

Updates- the Phils inked a premiere defensive outfielder, Gary Matthews, to a 5 year 50 million dollar contract. Wait, that was Gary Matthews Jr., and he signed with the stupid Angels. We got Sr., also known as Sarge, for the booth to play along Kalas, Andersen, and that ass-hat Wheeler.

Gillick also signed pitcher Kane Davis to a minor league contract. He was originally signed by the Pirates and has pretty much sucked in the Majors, but he'll do no harm in Ottawa...unless he fights Gavin Floyd and they both get released as punishment, so like I said no harm.


GM-Carson said...

I actually just read a rumor the Phils are shopping Jon Lieber with the hopes of landing a free agent starter. Maybe my far fetched Barry Zito scenario works out, or maybe the un-named free agent starter is Hideki "Fat Toad" Irabu.


fans said...

Team announced today that Harry Kalas signed a three-year contract. Larry Andersen, Chris Wheeler and Scott Franzke will be back.

Scott Graham will not be back. Former Phillies outfielder Gary Matthews will be taking his place. (so Carson you were correct - probably not about the money though).

Los said...

I'm not sure there is any interest from anybody in acquiring Lieber. I think Zito would be a great fit here - he's a junkball pitcher, someone that can be placed nicely in between some of our power pitchers to throw off the other team.

There's gotta be some kind of hidden reason why Graham didn't come back. Any rumors?

GM-Carson said...

alyssa milano is on the list of chicks i would leave my wife for...

where are these zito rumors coming from ?


BloodStripes said...

Classic comment Corey. LOL.

Zito would be awesome for the Phils. Bring it on.

Sal said...


Beware of pitchers who have dated Alyssa Milano.

See: Carl Pavano.

Fu Manchu,

das411 said...

The lesser Schmidt is still out there too fellas (and Maria)...

GM-Carson said...

Schmidt has a tendency to break down and we've already signed a pitcher this offseason that does that (Eaton). Zito hasn't missed a start due to injury during his entire career...flippin' sweet!

Alyssa Milano is hot but I'm an Elizabeth Shue fan myself...fricken hot!

By the way I've read on various sites that Zito is being looked at by many teams, among them the Phils.

GM-Carson said...

Pirates in a 3-way- The idea: Jason Jennings to the Cubs; Jacque Jones, Carlos Marmol, Paul Maholm to the Rockies; Brad Hawpe to the Pirates. Hawpe is good, but I'm not sold on him being worth Maholm, but the Buccos do need offense.

Trot Nixon is now on the Pirates radar too.

More Rowand rumors- According to, Aaron Rowand was linked with Texas in a deal for a combination of pitchers Joaquin Benoit, Josh Rupe and Ron Mahay.

Padilla supposedly got 3 years 34 mil to stay with the Rangers- told ya he'd get at least 10 mil a season.


GM-Carson said...

carson, this is someone you find more attractive than A-Mil?

speaking of the zito rumors, i was on various websites too, but i didn't read a single mention of zito. all i saw was porn.


furiousBall said...

let's just sign alyssa milano to "round out" the rotation...or rub one out.

GM-Carson said...

"rub one out"- I haven't heard that used in regards to masturbation in quite some time...oh the memories, thanks Furiousball.

Elizabeth Shue was hot in "Leaving Las Vegas" and in "Cocktails".


GM-Carson said...

Gillick said he won't go 5 or 6 years for a pitcher...damn you Gillick! I want Zito!