When it comes to the Philadelphia Phillies I'm a bit obsessed, fixated, even to the extent of maniacal. Therefore a tendency to become consumed by every win and loss, every inning, every play, every pitch and swing haunts me and I go into fits of rage. Over on BeerLeaguer I was doing one of my patented tirades of seething fury and was aptly nicknamed "Drama Queen". This rant and rave mentality is funny to me and hopefully to others, as I do it for poops and chuckles. So in the style of "The Year in Review" where we've crowned winners for best call, best baseball card, best play, and best song parody, I bring to you the best rant.
1) 2006 Phillies Season prediction- the playoffs are a mirage, fantasy, a magical happy-land that doesn't exist in the Phillies world. Very pissed off fans. 85-86 wins, and that's my optimism coming through. Team will score plenty of runs, but will surrender even more. No playoffs yet again...only in dreams.
2) Recipe for Disaster: 1 lock of Mitch Williams' hair, 1 smashed Chris Wheeler microphone, the threads from the Joe Carter homerun ball, Danny Tartabull's contract, a clump of Rheal Cormier's hemorrhoids, the Julio Franco, Ryne Sandberg, and Curt Schilling trades, Mike Lieberthal's glove, 1 Dave Hollins' spider bite, a pinch of John Kruk's and Lenny Dykstra's chew, 2 Tomas Perez whipped cream pies, a slathering of pine tar from Jim Thome's batting helmet, Jose Mesa's blown saves, and a dash of Doug Jones' "filthy" array of changeups. *Season to taste with salt, pepper, and plenty of sarcasm.
3) If I have to read one more "it's a long season", or "it's a marathon, not a sprint" comment about the current horrendous state of Phillies baseball, I'm going mail the bastard some anthrax in an unmarked envelope.
Winner: Do not ever defend Charlie Manuel. If you do, my fist is not responsible for the damage it will inflict on your face. I have had enough of people defending every dumbass move that Manuel makes. Manuel has chosen Arthur Rhodes to come in and successfully sabotage the Phillies chance at victory for the past 2 games and at a Wild Card. I'm beyond angry at the present time. I've become psychopathic in my quest to inform every half-wit out there that it is indeed Manuel's fault for putting Rhodes in those situations. I'm not an idiot, so I understand that Manuel can't actually go on to the mound and pitch himself, thankfully, but I do recognize that he is in control of who does go to the mound, and his choices are beyond wrong! I dare somebody to challenge my reasoning. I want somebody to say that Rhodes was the right choice. Because I have so much angst built up that the poor fool who decides to pop off at the mouth in defense of Manuel may end up a victim of a violent crime. Screw you if you think Manuel is not at fault, and then take a toothpick and shove it under your fingernail. Then to alleviate your mind of the pain take your fist and begin pummeling yourself repeatedly in the facial region you stupid crotch-sniffing rim-job!
Ok, I may be good at blowing off some steam with the keyboard, but nothing compares to the insult-laced diatribe Chevy Chase let loose in the best Christmas flick of all-time National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
"Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"
And don't forget the ever-popular: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Chanukah."
~Drama Queen a.k.a. Carson