Thursday, December 14, 2006

Best Rant

When it comes to the Philadelphia Phillies I'm a bit obsessed, fixated, even to the extent of maniacal. Therefore a tendency to become consumed by every win and loss, every inning, every play, every pitch and swing haunts me and I go into fits of rage. Over on BeerLeaguer I was doing one of my patented tirades of seething fury and was aptly nicknamed "Drama Queen". This rant and rave mentality is funny to me and hopefully to others, as I do it for poops and chuckles. So in the style of "The Year in Review" where we've crowned winners for best call, best baseball card, best play, and best song parody, I bring to you the best rant.

Runners-Up:

1) 2006 Phillies Season prediction- the playoffs are a mirage, fantasy, a magical happy-land that doesn't exist in the Phillies world. Very pissed off fans. 85-86 wins, and that's my optimism coming through. Team will score plenty of runs, but will surrender even more. No playoffs yet again...only in dreams.

2) Recipe for Disaster: 1 lock of Mitch Williams' hair, 1 smashed Chris Wheeler microphone, the threads from the Joe Carter homerun ball, Danny Tartabull's contract, a clump of Rheal Cormier's hemorrhoids, the Julio Franco, Ryne Sandberg, and Curt Schilling trades, Mike Lieberthal's glove, 1 Dave Hollins' spider bite, a pinch of John Kruk's and Lenny Dykstra's chew, 2 Tomas Perez whipped cream pies, a slathering of pine tar from Jim Thome's batting helmet, Jose Mesa's blown saves, and a dash of Doug Jones' "filthy" array of changeups. *Season to taste with salt, pepper, and plenty of sarcasm.

3) If I have to read one more "it's a long season", or "it's a marathon, not a sprint" comment about the current horrendous state of Phillies baseball, I'm going mail the bastard some anthrax in an unmarked envelope.

Winner: Do not ever defend Charlie Manuel. If you do, my fist is not responsible for the damage it will inflict on your face. I have had enough of people defending every dumbass move that Manuel makes. Manuel has chosen Arthur Rhodes to come in and successfully sabotage the Phillies chance at victory for the past 2 games and at a Wild Card. I'm beyond angry at the present time. I've become psychopathic in my quest to inform every half-wit out there that it is indeed Manuel's fault for putting Rhodes in those situations. I'm not an idiot, so I understand that Manuel can't actually go on to the mound and pitch himself, thankfully, but I do recognize that he is in control of who does go to the mound, and his choices are beyond wrong! I dare somebody to challenge my reasoning. I want somebody to say that Rhodes was the right choice. Because I have so much angst built up that the poor fool who decides to pop off at the mouth in defense of Manuel may end up a victim of a violent crime. Screw you if you think Manuel is not at fault, and then take a toothpick and shove it under your fingernail. Then to alleviate your mind of the pain take your fist and begin pummeling yourself repeatedly in the facial region you stupid crotch-sniffing rim-job!

Ok, I may be good at blowing off some steam with the keyboard, but nothing compares to the insult-laced diatribe Chevy Chase let loose in the best Christmas flick of all-time National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

"Hey. If any of you are looking for any last-minute gift ideas for me, I have one. I'd like Frank Shirley, my boss, right here tonight. I want him brought from his happy holiday slumber over there on Melody Lane with all the other rich people and I want him brought right here, with a big ribbon on his head, and I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?"

And don't forget the ever-popular: "Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Chanukah."

~Drama Queen a.k.a. Carson

18 comments:

BloodStripes said...

Haha I remember that winner. A seething rant. What a flogging we took reading that one. You were breathing fire! It was in all truth a tough loss and a very crappy day for Phils phans. We were all spewing but not as much as you.

GM-Carson said...

I was ready to kick someone's ass that day. There was no talking sense to me, I was a raving lunatic. I'm trying to mellow out though, as I plan on attending anger management classes with Brett Myers and the Phanactic this January.

~Carson

BloodStripes said...

LOL.....I just re-read the days comments. You said were bi-polar too (because the Phils soon had a good come from behind win) and Corey mistakenly thought you were David Bell and prescribed you a morning after pill. Hahhaaa!!

GM-Carson said...

We sure do say some funny twisted sh*t here. I love it though, it's all for fun, except when I'm bashing David Bell...I hate him!

~Carson

BloodStripes said...

Phillies maniacs! I hope Whelkman comes back for the season.

I wonder who our new bash boy will be? Nunez is bound to cop a bit. Maybe Eaton for earnig too much. Pat should get his usual share. Someone is gonna have to step into the roll because Bell, Rhodes and Floyd are now gone. Thinking of Rhodes tells me its gonna be a releiver. Hhmmmm Madson could be on the radar if he doesn't improve.

GM-Carson said...

Even though Bell is not a member of the Phils (thank you God!) he will continue to get his fair share of bashing. As the season plays out I'm sure some Phils will step up and prove themselves worthy of such cruelty.

I was thinking about Whelkman too just the other day. I wonder what happened to him, I hope he returns.

~Carson

furiousBall said...

two words for you...

Lance Parrish

goDuke said...

Nice work on the Clark Griswald quote. Its always good to read that one. I can't wait to catch that on tv soon... it'll be on alot I'm sure. In addition to Burrell getting his usual share of bashing, I figure Helms will get some too... I'm sure he's gonna have a down year since we just signed him and his numbers will be the same as we were used to bashing David Bell for.

GM-Carson said...

David Bell made more money than Helms and was billed as a difference maker and a "winner"...I hate that butt-dart!

I just watched Christmas Vacation the other night...love that movie.

~Carson

GM-Carson said...

I mentioned Toby Hall would be intriguing to the Phils and it is an official rumor now.

Also, the Pirates rejected Lieber for one of either Torres or Gonzalez. Good for the Buccos, bad for the Phils.

~Carson

furiousBall said...

I believe the Buccos sent this poster to the Phils

GM-Carson said...

furiousball- nice link.

so is there going to be anymore phils action before christmas?

BENTZ said...

Looking at the ridiculous contracts handed out to startng pitchers, who, frankly, suck, it's nice to know that the Phillies have a surplus. I think Gillick waits this out a little while before pulling the trigger on sending Lieber out of town. Teams will realize that there is simply no one out there to start unless Ryan Franklin wants his shot again (lol!!) and might need to pay up more to get an established starter. Great position to be in!!

BENTZ said...

Just a comparison:

March 2006 starting rotation: Lieber, Myers, Lidle, Madson, Floyd (with knowledge of Wolf returning in July)

March 2007 starting rotation: Myers, Garcia, Hamels, Eaton, Moyer (assuming Lieber gets dealt).

Feel free to switch this around slightly, but anyone has to consider this a sizeable upgrade, one that may be hard to be matched (in terms of the upgrade) this offseason.

GM-Carson said...

The Phillies 2007 starting rotation is substancially better.

Reasons why-
1. Hamels for an entire season, and he will most likely improve off of rookie campaign.
2. Myers for a full season (hopefully no more wife beating) and he is at an age where it's likely he'll slightly improve too.
3. Garcia- he's better than Wolf, Lieber, Lidle, Madson, or Floyd...plus he's good for 200 innings and that means a lot.
4. Moyer- he's a crafty old fart. He might start to slip, but I'll gladly take a 4.50 era from him with 200 innings.
5. Eaton- if healthy, Gillick is going to look smart, if not, well then you know the rest.

~Carson

GM-Carson said...

I heard it was Torres the Phils asked for and the Pirates said no. Torres for Lieber doesn't seem fair, doesn't seem fair for the Phils that is...one ok relief pitcher is not enough for a starting pitcher. Now Otsuka is more than ok, he's dy-no-mite! Cards, Rangers, and Brew Crew are still being linked to Phils for Lieber.

~Carson

P.S. Phillies Phlashback Phridays makes a it's a special return tomorrow because of the holiday (Chanukah)

michael said...

so the phils lost Livingston

http://philadelphia.phillies.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/news/article.jsp?ymd=20061214&content_id=1761344&vkey=news_phi&fext=.jsp&c_id=phi

weird circumstance. looking forward to the phlashback tomorrow

GM-Carson said...

About Livingston- that kinda blows! Essentially what the D-Rays are doing is bottom-feeding then turning a profit. See, because they suck so bad, they get to claim off waivers before other teams. They had no intent of keeping Livingston, rather they picked him up so they could then deal him to a team higher up on the waiver wire that wouldn't have gotten the chance to get him...good business tactic, but apparently shady as well.

~Carson