When remembering the past it's easy to recall the players that accomplished a feat (Tommy Greene's no-hitter), had an illustrious career (Mike Schmidt), or did a dubious deed (Mitch Williams World Series pitch). It's much more difficult to search the deep dark pockets of your mind where players like Jeff Baller reside. I was flipping through some baseball cards the other day and came across this card of Jeff Baller and remembered he was a Phillie. In fact Baller started and ended his career with the Phils. And oh what a career it was. His first season was in '82 and his final season in '92. That's 11 years and he was a relief pitcher, so 94 games pitched for his entire career shows the magnitude of this guy's suckiness.That averages out to about 9 games pitched a season...wow, he was durable! He also amassed lofty marks of a 5.24 ERA and 4 wins, that's like .3 wins a season...can you say "show me the money!". Of course if he were on the Phillies staff today Manuel would run him out to the mound every other game because he's a veteran...stupid Charlie! Jeff Baller's value wasn't in his performance though, it was in his look. Dude posed for a baseball card rocking the 80's mustache and some manly chesthair. This guy was obviously signed for his resemblance to Magnum P.I. (Tom Selleck). Yep, just like Burrell does today, Baller used to pull mad tail back in the day.
This is a picture of Jeff Baller today...you know he still makes the ladies hot. So, we can see that the man had it going on in the appearance department, but what about that last name. Baller would suggest he's either gay and can handle the sack with ease, or he's good at "ballin'" i.e. playing sports. Well, based on his stats I don't think he was much of a pitcher, so maybe this whole chesthair and porn-stache mojo thing is a sham. Or maybe he just wishes he were a baller much like that one hit wonder Skee-Lo.
"I wish I was little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her. I wish I had a rabbit in a hat, with a bat, and a six four Impala."