Sunday, November 26, 2006

Bullpen Crisis Averted

I am a self-appointed general manager, and therefore I need to address the Phillies offseason questions. First and foremost, the bullpen woes. I have found the answer...an octopus. You may be thinking I've lost my mind, but please listen to my reasoning. An octopus has 8 tentacles, or as we humans like to call them...arms. Greg Harris was an ambidextrous pitcher, Randy Johnson is 6'10", Kent Tekulve scraped his knuckles on the mound as he delivered his pitches, and Steve Kline is a side-wheeling left-hander, but none of them combined could compete with Mr. Octo Pus. Our octopus would be able to pitch from all different angles (side, under, 3/4, and straight overhand) and both left and right handed, plus his release point would be scary close to the batter with his "go-go gadget" extending tentacles. Charlie Manuel wouldn't have to play favorable match-ups (as if he even knows how), because the octopus would be an all-purpose reliever. No need to thank me for this outstanding find.

Speaking of relievers that scrape their knuckles on the mound more than a guerilla, Chad Bradford comes to mind. His delivery is very difficult for right-handed hitters to pick up, and he's had a solid career at retiring them. He's a free agent, and he is my first choice to fill one of our bullpen voids. Other relievers on the Phils radar are David Weathers, Octavio Dotel, Joe Borowski, Danys Baez, Rollie Fingers, and Goose Gossage. Any of those would be fine with me as long as the money isn't Gary Matthews Jr. ridiculous (5years 50 million). Or we could just go with the Headcase Known as Gavin Floyd in the setup role.

Since we're inking an octopus to be our cure-all to or bullpen crisis, we might as well see if we can get Octopussy to be our 3rd base coach since Art Howe stuck around for all of 3 nanoseconds. Problem being, Bond would be competition for Burrell in the female acquaintances department.

~Carson

7 comments:

GM-Carson said...

also Mr. Octo Pus would probably be the best fielding pitcher of all-time, slightly nudging jim kaat and greg maddox down a peg. they'd have to give him multiple gold gloves every year.

he'd be the best switch hitting pitcher too. yes even better than vincente padilla.

i need everyone to know that this post was created after the fact i drank 16 beers last night. not a big deal? i haven't drank in 2.5 years, so i'm a bit hungover to say the least. good ol' miller high life- the champagne of beers.

~carson

Bob D said...

With Lee and Soriano off the board, it looks like Helms maybe the biggest F/A bat brought in this year. Helms is decent to good offensively and a contact hitter. Now Gillick may shuffle up the OF with a trade of Rowand or Burrell (both SO alot) or both. Interestingly they have interest in Baldelli, the cost maybe high however.

With that done this team can go out and be aggresive in pursuits for RP. Bradford, Baez, Weathers, and a handful of others would be good to have. Even a high risk reclamation project such as Foulke wouldn't be a bad idea if they don't count on him of making the team. It would be good to have competition for the spots in the pen. Theres probably 6 spots and if there was 8 to 10 pitchers battling for those spots that would be good and they could stash a few in AAA.

Los said...

We definitely can't have Geary pitch as much as he did last season - we overworked the guy, and he did an admirable job.

GM-Carson said...

geary did a great job and it would be awesome if he repeated. thing is, relief pitchers are extremely inconsistent. we need some arms capable of outs out there in the pen. my guess is we sign weathers this week for 2 years 7 mil.

rowand is preime trade bait and may be able to net us a 5th starter, but then we need another outfielder.

~carson

BloodStripes said...

16 beers hey? Big night. You must have been smashed after 2 years on the wagon. Happy days DQ. Hope it was fun.

fans said...

Looks like Wolf is going to the Dodgers-even though Phils offered more money and years. Rumors are that Castro could be the 5th starter.

GM-Carson said...

wolf- 1 year 6-7 mil with an opyion for 2008...why the hell wouldn't he show some loyalty and stay here for the same deal? he's a cali boy, that's why he chose l.a. our offseason has been a big disappointment thus far.

i didn't really want baez, so go ahead and over spend o's.

~carson