I am a self-appointed general manager, and therefore I need to address the Phillies offseason questions. First and foremost, the bullpen woes. I have found the answer...an octopus. You may be thinking I've lost my mind, but please listen to my reasoning. An octopus has 8 tentacles, or as we humans like to call them...arms. Greg Harris was an ambidextrous pitcher, Randy Johnson is 6'10", Kent Tekulve scraped his knuckles on the mound as he delivered his pitches, and Steve Kline is a side-wheeling left-hander, but none of them combined could compete with Mr. Octo Pus. Our octopus would be able to pitch from all different angles (side, under, 3/4, and straight overhand) and both left and right handed, plus his release point would be scary close to the batter with his "go-go gadget" extending tentacles. Charlie Manuel wouldn't have to play favorable match-ups (as if he even knows how), because the octopus would be an all-purpose reliever. No need to thank me for this outstanding find.
Speaking of relievers that scrape their knuckles on the mound more than a guerilla, Chad Bradford comes to mind. His delivery is very difficult for right-handed hitters to pick up, and he's had a solid career at retiring them. He's a free agent, and he is my first choice to fill one of our bullpen voids. Other relievers on the Phils radar are David Weathers, Octavio Dotel, Joe Borowski, Danys Baez, Rollie Fingers, and Goose Gossage. Any of those would be fine with me as long as the money isn't Gary Matthews Jr. ridiculous (5years 50 million). Or we could just go with the Headcase Known as Gavin Floyd in the setup role.
Since we're inking an octopus to be our cure-all to or bullpen crisis, we might as well see if we can get Octopussy to be our 3rd base coach since Art Howe stuck around for all of 3 nanoseconds. Problem being, Bond would be competition for Burrell in the female acquaintances department.