Friday, October 27, 2006

Phillies Phlashback Phridays: Gregg Jefferies

Not all memories are good memories, Gregg Jefferies being a prime example. Jefferies was much like the Phillies of the mid to late 90's...lackluster, unspectacular, insignificant. He was a Phillie from 95-98, and the thing I remember most about him was his hissy-fits. Every time he made an out, he would throw a bat, slam a helmet, curse someone out (many times himself), beat up the Phanactic, or roughly fondle himself. Why am I being so tough on him...he signed a 4 year 20 million dollar contract, big money back then. That makes Pat Burrell look like a bargain. Why the hell the Phillies signed him to such a preposterous deal is beyond me. It's not like Gregg was a top-shelf free agent that was going to help turn a piss-poor organization around, rather he hampered them.

Over his 4 year stay in Philly he hit 37 homeruns (less than 10 per season avg.), scored 261 runs (65 avg.), and drove in 203 runs (50 avg). He had a decent batting average, but had no power and limited walks. Therefore, those are really bad stats for a guy splitting time in left field and first base. Fellow goofy helmet wearing R-Tard John Olerud even managed to muscle up more than Jefferies...those damn helmets are just fricken heinous! Why do I punish myself and the readers of this blog with such odious "phlashbacks"? We must be aware of where we've come from in order to see where we're going, even if it means remembering butt-bags like Gregg Jefferies.
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Phillies Phastphorward Phriday: Aramis Ramirez

I decided to give this week's version of Phlashback Phriday a futuristic spin. And in that "phuture" I choose to see Aramis Ramirez sporting the magnificent Phillies pinstripes. I have been floating A-Ram rumors and speculation around the Phillies blogsphere since July and now I'm hoping all my hard work comes to fruition. I have leverage nobody knows about. You all know Corey and I are self proclaimed GM's, but we also hold the power to make this A-Ram pipedream come true.

We've managed to get our grimy mitts on a genie bottle and we are now down to one wish. That wish being SIGN ARAMIS RAMIREZ TO PLAY 3RD BASE! The first two wishes we used up when we were kids. Corey used his wish to add girth to a certain area of his body, and no it's not his ankles but it does rhyme with rock. I used my wish on becoming the world champion in Mario Cart...gosh we were stupid kids! Luckily, we saved our final joint wish until later in our lives where as we're obviously more mature now and not as foolish...who the hell am I kidding?

In all seriousness, A-Ram would be just what the doctor ordered. And Corey is a doctor, so there ya go. A-Ram is a contact hitter, only 63 k's in nearly 600 ab's. He also hits for average, smacks homeruns, and knocks in runners. He had 119 rbi's last season on a dismal Cubs team. He's also had 3 straight season with an OPS above .900...and did I mention he plays 3rd base! So he is the perfect fit for the 5th spot in the lineup. He's only 28 years old and is also improving defensively...he is the answer!

Benjah- it's ok to spread a little man-love when dealing with players as attractive as Aramis Ramirez. Plus he could be added to the list of Phuccos. So without further ado, I present to you the Phillies 2007 starting 3rd baseman and 5-hole hitter...Aramis Ramirez. Just give us the damn World Series rings now, I'll take a size 11.5.

~Carson

18 comments:

GM-Carson said...

i take serious to offense to one thing you wrote this morning...not the cheap shot at my johnson, that was expected from a schlong-obsessed douchebag like yourself, hell, you're in the closet more than R Kelly...no, it's the fact that you called john olerud an R-tard. what the hell did olerud do to you. the guy wore his freakin batting helmet in the field because he had a freakin brain tumor removed. are you mad he beat cancer? were you rooting for the tumor? are you pro-cancer these days? lay off my boy olerud. dude, is the helmet wearing king of the apple stete. respect.

i hate the butt-nugget gregggg jefferies too. bitch stole money.

a-ram is not coming here. anyways, what the hell is wrong with awful abe nuni?

corey

BloodStripes said...

Jeffries is a knob jockey. 20 mil? What a rort. Thieving bastard. He did'nt earn any of it.

I like the phast phorward. '07 looks mighty fine with Ramirez in the lineup. There is a need for a big bat at 3rd and there is a need for more Phuccos in the world. So bring it on!

GM-Carson said...

Corey- you are a grundle-groping goop-guzzler! By the way, this little bicker-fest we have going on between us is quite amusing. I had no idea John Olerud was your boy...that explains a lot (you being a HUGE fan of the "apple" state).

Anyway, get off my cloud brotha, and let a homeboy dream big. If I think A-Ram is gonna be a Phillie, then let me to my lil' delusional fantasy.

~Carson

GM-Carson said...

Way to go Corey, I've been sitting here feeling like an asshole for taking a cheap shot at a standup guy like John Olerud. For the record, I liked Olerud and was only going for a laugh, and as insensitive as I may seem on here, I do not want to come off malicious on a dude who beat cancer. So I am now "Asshole of the Week"...hey, we all say stupid things sometimes.

~Carson

BenJah said...

as much as i love the phucco list, i don't think it needs aram! tough to argue against him as a player...except for his defense, attitude, attention span and neck-mole-hair...but, BUYING him would make us more like your bespited spankees. ooooo, not that i mind so much, but i was just hoping we would do something more creative.

as from yesterday: "Good discussion by all on here today. I like how we can voice our opinions, joke around, but still feel as though we've been heard"

i agree, carson, it's why this site is so good. plus, i think everyone dishes AND takes sh!t well, w/out taking it personally. just rappin philly style.

Bob D said...

There that split personality again

GM-Carson said...

hah! neck mole hair!

definitely split personality. here's an easy way to tell carson and i apart if we don't sign our name. i oppose cancer, carson openly roots for it. small difference, but noticable anyway.

corey

GM-Carson said...

Corey- I'm feeling a cheap shot coming at me in tomorrow's post. Guess I've set myself up for it.

~Carson

GM-Carson said...

44 votes in last Saturday's pole, and it appears as though the readers of WSBGM's would like to sucker-punch JD Drew the most for his disgraceful act of refusing to sign with the Phillies after they drafted him...go to hell Drew, and your brother too!

GM-Carson said...

I'm four beers and 40% done with the saturday poll. so far, charlie manuel, john olerud, gary gaetti, ralph wiggum, a cancer lover, a puerto rican hooker have been mentioned. should be a good one. get your voting finger ready...

corey

GM-Carson said...

Oh, I got a finger ready Corey, but it's more so for flipping your high and mighty ass off. Just because I poked fun at cancer in a round-about way you gotta go and get all uppitty on me...give yourself "The Digit"!

~Carson

BloodStripes said...

Its a Philly phlashback, phast phorward phight night. I dont want any slapping, biting or kicking, just a good clean phight. Go!!!

Bob D said...

This is awesome!

Now what was the topic? You forgot Randall Simon the Sausage Assassin for your poll.

BENTZ said...

Hogwash...a team with a regular season record worse than the Phillies just won the World Series. This (and my hatred for the Cardinals) is going to irk me all off-season...

GM-Carson said...

Son-of-a-bitchin' Cardnials win the world series?! I hate Scott Rolen even more now, and wish I could change my vote from last week's poll from JD Drew to that lil' punk bitch Rolen...loved to knock that H-Mo out!

~Carson

GM-Carson said...

Update- I took my class on a field trip to a Maize Maze yesterday in York, PA, and there were posters up for this special wrestling event. Guess who the "legendary" wrestle making an appearance was...Tito Santana, the same dude that was a member of the Strike Force that I did a post on for Tag Team Tuesday. Funny stuff!

~Carson

Maria said...

I'm glad an NL team finally won the World Series and in 5 games no less! It will be the Phillies next year.

Aramis Ramirez is a dream...I hope he comes here. He'd fill so many holes.

GM-Carson said...

hahahaha, Maria said "fill so many holes"...that's dirty