Saturday, September 02, 2006

Monkey Nipple Mystery - Solved !!!!

There was some debate a while back as to the identification of a certain monkey and their nipple. Some said Sal Fasano. Other pointed their fingers at Sid Fernandez. But at last, the identity of that nipple is revealed, and it plays for the Phillies. As John Rocker so elequently put it: "Randall Simon is a fat monkey." Of course, now that Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands knighted Simon in 2003, he is now, and forever, known as Sir Fat Monkey.

Last time most of us heard of Sir Fat Monkey, he was getting released by the Buccos and prophetically saying, ""I'm a fighter. I promise you're going to see me again. You don't have to worry about that." Well, I did worry, because despite successful stints with the Orix Buffaloes, the Tijauna Dirty 'Stutes and the Oklahoma RedHawks I thought I may never see Randall Simon in the majors again, let alone as a Phucco. But now my worries are relieved, because the Genius GM formerly known as Pat Gillick brought his whack-a-mole (err, whack-a-sausage?) style of hitting to Philadelphia. That is, swing first, think later, take never.
Rain Out
You think rain outs are bad? Last night, I was carbon-monixided out. That's right, the punk rock show I went to last night was cancelled half way through because the venue filled with smoke, carbon monoxide, and other relatively harmful fumes because the exhaust system broke, funneling air in from the neighboring building, which obviously is a mass-suicide-via-carbon-monoxide-poisoning dealership. Hell, two bands played right through, and the Phillies couldn't play in a little tropical storm? It wasn't even a hurricane.
Bring back H-Mo Bell
I hate David Bell as much as the next guy, but I'm left wondering this morning: Why did the Phillies trade David Bell, if the plan all along was to play Abe Nunez? H-Mo Bell and his fairy-hopping antics were irritating, but they were much more palatable than No-Hit Nunez and his daily battle with the Mendoza line. How bad does he have to be, how much does he have to suck, for the Phillies to sit him down. Abe Nunez has hit over .250 twice in ten years. He's not going to "snap out of it" and start hitting. He's already in "it." He sucks. Get rid of him. Ahhhhhhhhh....
Today's Games
1) Penn State v Akron - 3:30 - Did you know Beaver Stadium is in Happy Valley? Well I did, and despite the rain, I wish I was there. Randy Wolf probably does too (see below.) We Are, Penn State.

2) Phillies v Braves - Donut Eater v Villareal - 1:00 - Most likely will get rained out again, unless Doug Glanville can design, engineer, and construct a roof for the Cit by this afternoon.

3) Phllies v Braves - Mathieson v Davies - when it stops raining - last time Kyle faced the Phils, he looked more like Laura Davies, giving up a robust 6 runs in 4 and 2/3.



GM-Carson said...

Corey- glad you're not dead. Left Alone may be rockin' good band, but not worth dying for.

Thanks for clearing the hairy monkey nipple mystery up...I'm glad it's that sausage whackin' Simon!

By the way, Screw Penn St....keep them off the blog, ha!

For me personally I hate that H-Mo Bell worse than Nunez. Since the trade they've put up very similar #'s, with Nuni actually having a slight advantage. I don't want either them as a Phillie, but I'm glad the fairy-footed bitch Bell is gone!

Hopefully they can get in some baseball today.


BloodStripes said...

Why am I not surprised that something like that happened at a punk rock venue. They must be similar little hovels worldwide. Gotta watch those mass-suicide-via-carbon-monoxide-poisoning dealerships. Glad you made it out, bet you were loving it. Baseball teams are soft!

Wow....Doug Glanville IS the rarest of creatures!

BloodStripes said...

How funny were those very surprised cheers when Pat made that good sliding catch. They were very much "wow-did'nt-know-Pat-could-do-that" kinda cheers.

GM-Carson said...

How great would it be if the Phils took the double-header and could pull even with S.D. today? This rain sucks though. I'm having a huge Labor Day picnin, but it's all under tent now...stupid rain!

Glad to see Utley find his stroke again, it was really starting to worry me. I know players go through tough stretches, but Utley's was happening at a very wrong time...we need him!

Blood Hell BloodStripes!

BloodStripes said...

If the Phils draw level for the lead today I will be ecstatic. Is there another DH tommorrow? I think I heard LA on the radio say 4 games in 24 hours. is that right?

Utley is back!!!

Bloody rain. I hope it does'nt spoil your fun too much. A Phils win or 2 will keep the spirits up.

GM-Carson said...

If the Phils win all game this weekend, I don't give a bloody scab if it rains the whole time. I don't know if tomorrow is a two-headed monster or not...I'm hoping not, but who the hell knows with MLB?!

*Utley is saving the day!

GM-Carson said...

I'm going to give Corey and I a pat on the back and a smack of the ass right now for having the funniest Phillies blog out there. Other blogs are great, don't get me wrong, but as Phillies fan you often need a good laugh and not so much damn that fricken hairy monkey nipple is hystarical!

GM-Carson said...

Holy Heck-a-Mecca, tomorrow is indeed a double-header. How unfair? This is bullshit!

BloodStripes said...

He sure is. He was safe just then. Vic with 3 hits, Ryano hitting .300 now. I sincerely hope you are right about a run of excellence. I really think we are in for a few good years.

LA just said Burrell is .325 with RISP, last 32 games.

Loaded for Looch! Cmon!

BloodStripes said...

Model Dictator is warming up!

What the........?

BloodStripes said...

Victorino is Bloody Awesome!

He has the tools the Phils need out there. What was the name of that other CF....Aaron who?

BloodStripes said...

12 LOB.....Arthur 'Dirt' Rhodes blew it again. That BS stat is gonna mean 'blown season' soon.

fans said...

I'm going to need to re-group before watching tonights game. That was awful - after the great defense of Burrell and Vic and the homers of Chase - to watch Rhodes blow another save was not easy.

I hope they can come back and score a ton of runs - since we have Mattheson as the starter and he'll be giving up a million.

BloodStripes said...

Save opps for this BP right now needs an 8 run lead. Next game is scary with Mathieson in. Breathe deep fans.

Maria said...

Arthur Rhodes needs to be shot. Than Charlie Manuel. Terrible game. You'd think Charlie had learned from his mistake.

Where in the world is Fabio Castro?

BloodStripes said...

Don't you know Maria. His season is over! He gave up a run the other day.

But seriously.......USE CASTRO CHARLIE! If you want a lefty that is well rested, there is a guy name Fabio sitting there with a great LEFT ARM who can throw GOOD PITCHES. Charlie.......Charlie........are you with us Charlie........WAKE UP!!!!!

GM-Carson said...

This is complete Bull Shit! I hate Manuel. I'm going to kick the person who defends his dumbass in the nuts! Rhodes should not be used in that situation! Manuel is too damn dumb to figure that out. It's amazing it's taking so many Phillies fans so long to figure out that Manuel does not think properly to win a game...he's an asshole! I'm so pissed off right now. I know this is only a game, but it's such utter shit! Dammit I need to calm down...where's an asprin?

GM-Carson said...

Watch out...Drama Queen is back in full effect! I'm not playing nice anymore...I'm going for the throat. I'm here to tell every single fricken idiot that thinks Manuel is a decent manager to "shut the hell up!" and then spit on their face and kick their dog! I hate stupid people!!!

BloodStripes said...

It may only be a game but its life DQ. All else is just frivolous detail remember. This is important! I say all this with tongue in cheek, but I'm also serious. You gotta find that level ground and remain happy somehow. You know what I mean.

Have a yeungling DQ. All will be O.K.

Oh my, Mathieson is out after 6 pitches for Brito! Bloody hell!

BloodStripes said...

Charlie looks dumb cause he is to loyal to some of the players. He does'nt want to hurt their feelings or something. Get tough dumb-ass. You are dealing with men.

Bring on the rants Drama Queen. Us loyal readers love it.

Maria said...

These games me want to rip my hair out. Charlie Manuel has no right being in baseball. If they lose tonight....

Whelkman said...

Does Beer Leaguer still want Manuel in the Hall of Fame? They're especially fond of his "bullpen management".

I was hoping the "strategy" of using Madson for one batter was a joke and that he was really pitching the whole inning, but the joke was on me. Back-to-back, Rhodes mushes another ninth inning loss in our faces, destroying the 60-0 record we had winning in 8th and beyond.

BloodStripes said...

There are still some Manuel defenders there saying Rhodes was the right move. Or at least the only option.

Not like us hot-headed Model Dictator fans. But as I said over there. Mathieson was given another chance today with a 7+ ERA. Brito came in with a now 9+ ERA. I wanna see rule 5 Castro get a go with a 0.49 ERA after 18 innings. He has earnt a look in considering everyone else has had alot of work and need a rest

Whelkman said...

You'd think that would be obvious to all, bloodstripes.

This game is looking messy. I'm pouring the drinks early.

BloodStripes said...

Enjoy Whelkman. 9+ runs oughtta give our man Fabio a chance today. We'll need every one of those runs if he does'nt pitch.


Maria said...

Fabio's in. Ha. 13 run lead. Charlie Manuel is an idiot. Oh Well.

It's like redemption. The Phillies probably felt they have to score 51892 runs just to make sure they would win. & they did it.

BloodStripes said...

Take Fabio out after 6 straight retired and White loads the bases with singles.

Fabio is good!

GM-Carson said...

But wait, Castro wouldn't be able to get any outs if he were in a pressure situation right? I hate stupid people. Seriously, that's my new phrase because anybody who defends Manuel is a straight up idiot! I'm so pissed I don't even give a shit right now!

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